In this week’s episode of Being Mary Jane, aka #BMJRealityCheck, a conversation ensued between Mary Jane’s brother Patrick and his daughters’s mother Tracy.
After receiving news that she would be released from a halfway house, Tracy was ready to rekindle her relationship with Patrick based on the fact that Patrick stated that he loved her. Tracy interpreted that statement to mean that they would get back together.
Patrick’s response was brutally honest and blatant:
I never promised you anything. I do love you because we have a child together and that’s it. I told you this before, but you keep lying to yourself. We had sex and had a baby. You mistook a nice guy who cares for you for Happily Ever After. You want me to be that guy that left you when I am hoping we can just try and raise our daughter.
As you can imagine that monologue didn’t sit well with Tracy and she immediately stormed out of the house.
But, it highlights 7 brutal relationship lessons that bear repeating:
Lesson #1) Sex does not a relationship make
Just because you have sex with someone doesn’t mean they want you, love you or desire to pursue a relationship with you, it was just sex.
If you desire more then you need to require more. Set your expectations up front, discuss your desires, and don’t waiver. Without establishing a prerequisite, you are participating at your own risk.
Lesson #2) Don’t read between the lines
If you aren’t in a mutually agreed upon relationship with someone and a person says they love you it doesn’t mean that they are “in love” with you. And it doesn’t mean they want to pursue a relationship with you.
If the person uttering the words I love you hasn’t quantified a deeper meaning of their statement, take it at face value. If you are unwilling to request the context in which “I love you” was stated, then take it as is and keep it moving.
Lesson #3) Your child is not leverage
Playing house got you in this situation. Don’t assume that because you have a child with someone that they are in love with you and/or desire a relationship with you. The only relationship the two of you have is as co-parents.
Lesson #4) Don’t turn a fantasy into a relationship
Based on Patrick’s response, it was quite clear that this wasn’t the first time this conversation had taken place between the two of them. Tracy allowed her desires for the relationship to blur her perception.
She took the words “I love you,” which were obviously stated in the context of “as a friend,” to mean more. She mentally turned her fantasy into a relationship that didn’t exist in reality. If the feelings aren’t mutual, remove your desires out of your mind.
Lesson #5) Believe What People Tell You
- If someone tells you that you all are just friends, believe them.
- If someone tells you that they don’t want you, believe them.
- If someone states they aren’t attracted to you, believe them.
- If their words and actions don’t line up, hold them accountable.
Require them to state their intentions and decide accordingly how you would like to pursue. BUT, if someone states any of the above, believe them and KEEP IT MOVING!
PLEASE don’t be like Tracy and hear what you want to hear. CHOOSE to hear the truth, pick up your emotions, your feelings and your pride and keep it moving. Don’t settle. Free your mind and emotions to meet someone who will truly appreciate and value you.
Lesson #6) Stop all the drama
Stop Being the Victim! Patrick and Tracy never had a “relationship”. They had sex and it produced a baby. Nothing more and nothing less. Don’t make an interaction a relationship.
Lesson #7) Love yourself
Love yourself enough that you won’t fall in love just because someone is nice to you.
When it comes to relationships instead of being black and white, we tend to operate in the gray area. Attempting to feed more into the relationship than what it warrants. And we end up hurting ourselves.
Choose to be brutally honest with yourself regarding your relationships. Conduct a thorough examination and ask yourself a few questions:
- Are your relationships really what you have made them out to be?
- Do you have the right expectations of your relationships?
- Have you made an “association” a relationship?
- Are you honest with your true desires for your relationship?
- Are the feelings mutual or are you holding on or hanging around hoping things will change?
If you aren’t honest with yourself, someone else will be and it may end up being a lot more painful. Honesty allows you to set the right expectations while saving you time and heartache.
Choose to learn the lessons from others so you won’t make the same mistakes. This episode of Being Mary Jane #BMJRealityCheck was the reality that a lot of people needed.
BMWK, are you honest with yourself regarding your expectations for your relationships?