“But Dr. Aesha, he really is a good man!”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this phrase from a woman when I asked her why she continued on with a relationship with a man who wasn’t treating her the way she’d like. She would insist he was a good man, but I’d always have to point out there’s a difference between a good man and a good boyfriend.
There are many signs you may be dating a good man who is bad boyfriend material, but I just want to share with you my top four signs:
- He makes you feel insecure. For example, one day he may practically propose to you, and then the next day he says he’s unsure about the future but enjoys your companionship.
- He hurts you when he has sudden mood swings and shuts you off with no explanation.
- He makes you afraid because he has a temper, and the smallest mistake can make him lash out in anger.
- He embarrasses you because he criticizes you and points out all your flaws in front of his friends. Now no one in her right mind would willingly fall in love with a man who treats you this way, would you?
So how do you end up in situations like this? Based on what I’ve seen my coaching clients deal with, there are two main reasons:
You tend to become attracted to someone based on who he is on outside
He has a great career, charisma, a good sense of humor, the respect of his peers,and goes to church every Sunday. You take these as signs that he’s relationship-ready, and why shouldn’t you? You’ve been taught to make sure a man has goals, financial stability and a relationship with God before you become involved with him. But while these qualities are necessary for compatibility, there is one major criteria you’re overlooking—who they are on the inside. When you enter into a relationship with someone, you don’t solely experience what’s on the outside; those inside qualities will often impact you the most.
You are willing to overlook certain character flaws in him
Dr. John Townsend, noted relationship expert and author, put it this way: “We simply have a tendency to ignore bad behavior if there is something important we need from the person.” Your desire for connection, closeness and even chemistry can blind you to the character issues that will lead to conflicts within a relationship. By character, I’m not talking about a man’s morality or integrity. Instead I like the way Dr. Townsend defines character as “that set of abilities we need to meet the demands of reality.”
It’s easy to get caught up in a fantasy about the future when you’re getting to know someone, but character will determine if your relationship has what it takes to make it in the real world. If you only focus on whether or not a man has a college degree, all you’ll learn is that he knows how to matriculate through an institution of higher learning. It doesn’t mean that he has what it takes to make it through the institution of marriage. And that requires honesty, a commitment to monogamy and fidelity, the fortitude to handle the tough times in life without running away from you, the strength to follow through on his promises and a capacity for spiritual growth, among other things. While it’s true that everyone has character flaws, some things just shouldn’t be ignored. If the man you’re dating looks good on paper, but doesn’t consistently make you feel safe, cherished, respected and secure, he’s not a good boyfriend.
BMWK, have you been in a relationship with someone who was a good man but a bad boyfriend? Share your story below!