You’ve been taught there are 21 questions you should ask before you commit and 77 questions to discuss before you say “I Do.” Relationships have to be built on honesty. But when you’re answering those questions, do you know how to strike the balance between TMI (Too Much Information) and telling the truth? Here’s help:
First Dates Are For First Impressions
I had a recent client come to me for my matchmaking services. I sent that client out on a mock date. He had been out of the dating game for almost 20 years, and I knew that he’d need to brush up his dating skills before being matched with a potential partner. I didn’t want him making deadly dating mistakes that could turn off the woman of his dreams.
…first dates are for first impressions. They’re not interviews or therapy sessions for you to tell all your secrets and reveal all your quirks.
Turns out, my instincts were right. In as little as 60 minutes, the gentleman told his date every detail of his past including his financial status, his medical history, his horrible divorce, why he was unemployed and why he was currently single. “I just want to be open and honest with you,” he told her. Yikes! TMI!
What he didn’t understand is that first dates are for first impressions. They’re not interviews or therapy sessions for you to tell all your secrets and reveal all your quirks. Telling someone your weird hangups before they’ve even had a chance to like you, isn’t being authentic and vulnerable, it’s oversharing.
During a first date, you really want to focus on getting to know someone, but they shouldn’t walk away with knowing every little detail about you. Your bad habits, traumatic breakup and embarrassing moments should only be shared with someone who knows, likes and trusts you, and there’s no way to build that level of rapport in 20 minutes while sipping a caramel macchiato.
To help you avoid spilling the beans on date one, make a list of “hands-off” topics for first dates. If someone asks you a probing question like, “How much do you make” or “why did you break up with your ex” and you don’t feel comfortable talking about that yet, let him or her know you’d love to answer that question once you’ve gotten to know them better.
Increase Information as the Intimacy Grows
Intimacy means “in-to-me-see.” As you feel the trust between you and your new partner grow, you can trust him or her with more information about your life. But it’s one thing to tell someone you’ve been married before. It’s another thing to tell him you got married three weeks after you met and divorced because he had a secret family on the other side of town. TMI!
True intimacy takes time to develop. So when should you share those dark secrets of your past so that the other person knows what he or she is getting into?
Test The Waters Before You Tell Your Truth
Before you go spilling details about your first marriage and how your spouse gave you an STD, made you file bankruptcy after your divorce and why you’re currently taking a low-dose anti-depressant, I recommend you check to see what your date’s feelings are in general about those topics. This will help you see if your date is a safe person to share your secrets with or if he’ll just overreact and judge you.
For example, you could casually bring up celebrities, who are facing the same issues you are, and then watch your date’s reaction. Projecting your secrets onto someone else first will let you hear your date’s raw, no-holds-barred reaction. Based on what you hear, you can decide if your date is a non-judgmental person who can handle your story or if you should just be friends and end your relationship.
This strategy can protect you from rejection. For example, a woman was falling head over heels with a man she’d just met and wanted to be open and honest with him about receiving treatment for alcohol addiction. Before she told her truth, she asked him what he’d thought about a recent celebrity who’d just checked in to rehab.
The man she thought was “The One,” made a bunch of disgusting comments about how immoral alcoholics were. She learned this man wasn’t going to be a good partner for her the easy way, instead of being dumped after she revealed her secret.
To avoid TMI dates, I want you to be an open book with the person you’re dating. Just let them read the story of your life one chapter at a time.
BMWK, have you ever been on a date with someone who shared too much information too soon? Tell us your story!