It’s been on my heart lately to discuss breakups. Not just in the romantic ties, but in friendships and other types of relationships. There are times when it’s absolutely necessary to cut someone off, but we as believers cannot be known for broken relationships.
There are a lot of hurt people in the Body of Christ/ the Church because of their brothers and sisters in the faith. We are breaking things off with people in a way that leaves room for hurt, anger, and a whole lot of confusion to come in. I know this too well because I have broken up with a few boyfriends in the past “out of the blue” in their words.
For me it was time to exit the relationship, but my way of breaking up wasn’t always clear. That doesn’t glorify God. I’ve struggled with being too nice and holding back feelings and the words that needed to be said, but I had a hard time communicating them out of fear. It wasn’t until several months after my most recent relationship ended that I realized that there had to be better ways to go about breaking up. I’m believing God to mend the hearts of those I’ve hurt and to help me better empathize with someone before correcting, pausing or ending a relationship.
When we carry out an assignment without leaning to Godly instruction, we have the potential to mess up the other person and ourselves. The hurt we’ve just put on someone in the breakup may have added another bag of hurt on their weighed-down shoulders. Too many of us are also carrying those bags of other people because we helped pack them. We don’t want to be totally responsible for another person’s pain, but we can’t control how someone feels. If they’re hurt, there’s not much we can do about how they choose to deal with the hurt. However, we do have a choice and control over how we initiate the conversations that leads to termination of the relationship. I thought for a while: is there a tactful, graceful way to go about this?
God gave me these points recently that I only wished I was brave enough to have utilized in my past:
Be honest: with yourself and with your partner. If it’s not going to work anymore, the feelings are not the same, etc., you have to be real with yourself about why your relationship needs to end.
Be responsible: for your mistakes, actions, and faults as well. We often may think of the other person’s faults for why you’re breaking up, but consider your ways too and admit them. You are also responsible for your well being, and if the relationship compromises that in a negative way, you must take the proper steps to protect yourself.
Be mindful: of the place you’re both in, the other person’s emotions, timing, etc. Go when God says go, as the word says, we should not act on our anger. Think with righteous judgment on when to break up with your partner. There’s never a “right time,” but there are certainly more appropriate times than others, so use wisdom.
Be strong: on your position in the decision. Don’t waver if you have to move one; have no fear about being single, being alone for a season, your partner negotiating with you to stay for any reason, etc. Stand your ground.
Be sensitive: to the Spirit by praying and meditating on the Word before having the talk with your partner. Have peace within your spirit about moving on and moving forward with this.
Be forgiving: of the past, what they’ve done, and of yourself. Unforgiveness holds so many of us back from moving on and being happy in our future, with or without a partner.
There’s no set formula on how break up with a friend or date, but it goes a lot smoother when you include the peace of God. Don’t be held back from doing what is good and right by someone. If you haven’t done so in the past like I have, you must forgive yourself and pray for the other person’s healing. There can be closure to this, God can and will help you if you allow Him to.
“Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” –Hebrews 12:14-15 NLT
Singles, has it ever been difficult to break up with someone? How did you get through it?