When we’re wounded in a past relationship, it’s easy to say, “That’s it! I will never trust anyone again. It’ll just be me and Jesus. He’s the only one I can depend on anyway.” You then carry around that embitterment and distrust in every relationship and new interaction. But in doing so, you miss out on the joy, comfort and support that a healthy relationship brings.
Here’s the truth: You have trust issues, not because people aren’t trustworthy. You have trust issues because you don’t know how to choose trustworthy mates. You can eventually work through those issues and open your heart to love again. But before you do so, you need to sharpen your character discernment skills. Here are three practical tips to help you pick better, trustworthy partners.
- Pay closer attention to his traits.
We’re so used to choosing people based on who they appear to be on the outside, when it’s the hidden, inner character flaws that usually cause the pain and destroy the trust. Stop getting so excited that the new person you’re dating said he’s looking for a wife and just bought a new house. A man’s success, personality, good humor, education, religious activity or good looks won’t tell you if he’s going to be trustworthy. Pay attention to his actions; is he faithful, attentive to your needs, forgiving, kind, generous or a good communicator? Think back to the reasons your last relationship ended. What were the issues that came up? Make a list of those things, and consider them your “red flags.” The moment those traits start to reveal themselves, you should pump the breaks.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but I want you to utilize your natural inclination to distrust others and be more discerning.
- Ask smarter questions
Build your trust in him by asking questions that will reveal the real him. Go beyond daily chit-chat and flirtations. Dig deeper with questions about how he solves problems, what stresses him out and what his attitudes are about gender roles. Get him to tell you stories about his interactions with friends, colleagues, family, etc.
Because you already have trust issues, you may naturally suspect he is lying or exaggerating every story. So settle your suspicions by paying attention to his body language when he’s talking to you—after all, 97 percent of all communication is non-verbal.
- Trust yourself first
What happened the last time you just knew something wasn’t right about a person? We get so used to dismissing our instincts by explaining them away only to find out—and often to our disappointment—we were right all along. You may not trust him yet, but I encourage you to trust yourself. Don’t ignore the signals your body and emotions are sending you. If something doesn’t feel right, investigate. On the other hand, learn to relax if your instincts tell you otherwise.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but I want you to utilize your natural inclination to distrust others and be more discerning. I want you to pay attention to the pain you went through from the last relationship and trust your gut for the next one. Maybe then, you’ll avoid choosing the same man with a different face. Maybe then, you’ll be confident when you do find the right person, whom you can trust with your heart. Maybe then, you can take down your walls and love again with 100 percent faith in him. And maybe then, you’ll realize you never really had trust issues at all.
BMWK, do you have “trust issues?” Have your trust issues ever worked to your advantage or disadvantage?