Lately, Hubs and I have been doing some focused work on our marriage and not unlike many couples, one of the most sticky areas for us is communication. A 2013 poll of 100 mental health professionals found that communication problems was the most common reason that couples headed for divorce. That’s a pretty big deal considering that communication can be improved…if both parties are willing to work on it.
Hubs and I are making big strides in this area and let me tell you… it has made a HUGE difference. We spend less time being annoyed with each other and things are just easier. I’d be lying if I said we didn’t have misunderstandings or moments where we just want to blow up but we’re much better equipped to handle these moments now. Here are some tips that we’ve used to help us better communicate:
Please and thank you: We teach our children to use their manners but often forget to use them ourselves. Don’t make demands. Asking nicely is always the best way to get what you want and showing gratitude is the icing on the cake.
Pause for the cause: If you’re discussing a hot button issue, it’s okay to take a break. Words hurt and while we can forgive and be forgiven, it’s best to avoid saying things out of anger that we can’t take back.
Choose your words wisely: Pay attention to the language you’re using when speaking to your spouse. Explain your feelings without blaming or generalizing. For example, you could say: “When you do __, it makes me feel like __” instead of “you always __”.
Pick your battles: An oldie but goodie. Maybe it drives you crazy that he re-folds the clothes after you fold them or that she forgets to take the clothes out of the washer when they’re done. You’re an imperfect person married to another imperfect person and he or she probably does 20 awesome things that outweigh that crazy maker.
Show and tell: Don’t assume that your spouse knows what you want. Say what you want or need. You like the bed made a certain way? Show her. You wish he’d bring home fresh flowers? Tell him. Your spouse has a better chance of hitting the mark if they know what they’re aiming for.
And on that note: To make sure you understand what your spouse is saying, repeat it back to them. This gives your spouse a chance to hear how you understood what they’re saying and to clarify if necessary. This one change has worked wonders in helping my Hubs and I communicate better.
Write it down: If the subject is too touchy or you just want to get your thoughts out without interruption, try writing a letter.
At the end of the day, effective communication is an essential part of a happy marriage and it’s something that can be improved if needed. We’re in this for the long haul y’all…so let’s get to talkin’!
BMWK – What say you? What are your tips for improving communication in your relationship?