by Harriet Hairston
Gary Chapman’s book, “Loving Solutions” discussed four marriage myths that lead people to divorce court in the United States:
- Myth 1: My state of mind is determined by my environment.
- Myth 2: People cannot change.
- Myth 3: When in a bad marriage, there are only two options: live a life of misery or get a divorce.
- Myth 4: Some situations are hopeless (…and mine is one of them).
These myths–as discussed in Part 1–are myths for a reason, and however you’d like to put it, they are the “kool-aid” that married folks don’t need to be drinking if they want their marriage to survive and thrive.
The counterpunch to these myths are six principles–what Gary Chapman called “Reality Living.” If these principles are adopted and lived effectively, they have the potential to not only revolutionize your marriage, but YOU as well!
Reality #1: I’m responsible for my own attitude.
No matter where we find ourselves, we can choose what attitude to adopt regarding our circumstances. For instance, our home was foreclosed on, we moved to NC to be closer to family, we’re living with Mr. Incredible’s mother, the job market tells me I’m overqualified…I could go over a litany of negatives that I’m working with. And at one point, I almost succumbed to negativity and depression.
Yet now, I have adopted an attitude of gratitude. Things may not be the way I want them, but I’m grateful for time with my sons and family, meeting new people, getting a new church home, a closer walk with both Jesus and Mr. Incredible…I choose to look at the bright side.
Trouble is inevitable, but misery is optional.
Reality #2: Attitude affects actions.
If I choose to walk around with a negative attitude, I make myself part of the problem, not the solution.
I may not be able to control my environment, but I’m responsible for what I do with my environment.
Reality #3: I cannot change others, but I can influence others.
This is where control and manipulation tactics are defeated! The moment we realize we’re being controlled by manipulation, we tend to rebel, no matter how right the other person may be. Yet influence states that every action and word will have an effect on our spouse–for better or for worse. Choose to influence your spouse for the better with your actions.
Reality #4: My actions are not controlled by my emotions.
All I can do is quote Gary Chapman on this one. His statements are profound:
In our efforts to be true to our emotions, we have taken destructive actions that have confounded our emotional sense of well being. The more positive road is to acknowledge our negative emotions but not follow them.
A series of positive actions holds the potential for turning the tide in a troubled marriage.
Amen to that!
Reality #5: Admitting my imperfections doesn’t mean I’m a failure.
This requires both spouses to admit they are imperfect and have failed each other in some way. When this happens, the barriers erected against intimacy fall down.
Reality #6: Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.
We can love our spouses even when we don’t have the warm fuzzy, romantic, erotic feelings towards them. Love is an action and choice we make to complete the action. It is a verb, not a noun, and it has the potential to not only change our marriage, but US for the better!
BMWK, what kinds of realities are you living to combat succumbing to these crazy marital myths that so many subscribe to?
God bless!
~ Harriet