I’m a classic Type A personality – ambitious, irritated easily, always in a rush, always looking for something to do, never really take time to relax. And my husband? Let’s just say opposites attract. If this dude had his way, he’d stay horizontal for the rest of his life and could someone pass the popcorn?
We bring those same personalities to the table when a disagreement (big or small) arises.
I gotta be right. I gotta prove my point. I gotta tell him, in no uncertain terms, what I feel is unacceptable behavior. He withdraws, tries to get back to his “relaxation mode” as quickly as possible and I get frustrated because he isn’t listening or seeing things from my point of view.
So I became a student of our relationship. I asked myself:
- When do our disagreements usually happen? At night, after the kids go to bed, is prime argument time because we haven’t seen each other all day.
- Who “started” the argument? Usually me. He’s way too laid-back to be starting arguments.
- Why do our disagreements usually come up? We’ll be talking about a problem but he is too tired or unwilling to go toe-to-toe like I am, so I get upset and question his commitment to solving the problem.
So what we have here is the classic case of “Y’all need to fix this!” Here’s three things I’ve done to try to make sure arguments (large or small) enhance our relationship, not tear it apart:
First – I looked inward. This is probably the hardest step to take because when you sense there’s a problem in your relationship you tend to look outward first. But alas, if both people tried to bring their best selves to the table, I guarantee you 80% of arguments would never happen. That’s a fact. (‘Cause I made it up.) I realize that yes, I pick the WORST time to talk to my husband about issues (11 p.m., but that’s when I get my second wind!). If I could work on my timing, then maybe that will alleviate some of the problems.
Second – I tried to separate my husband’s actions from my perceptions. Just for a silly example, if he yawned during an argument – is he being rude or is he just tired? This involved giving my husband the benefit of the doubt when I really didn’t want to.
Third – I had to learn to listen all over again. I am the QUEEN of interrupting and not listening to what my husband is saying because I am too busy formulating my response in my head. Now I have to take a deep breath and repeat back what he says without any inferences or judgment. I force myself to just listen to what he’s saying, rather than trying to interpret his comments.
You’ll notice that I don’t mention anything where I try to change him or try to make my arguments stronger so he has no choice but to agree with me. I can’t MAKE anyone change and I can’t MAKE anyone agree with me. I can only control what I do and how I respond to a situation. Expending energy to change someone is pointless. Focus on you and things will only get better from there.
How often do you argue in your relationship? What other pointers do you have to help couples fight fair?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for more insights on love and family.