I’m a classic Type A personality – ambitious, irritated easily, always in a rush, always looking for something to do, never really take time to relax. And my husband? Let’s just say opposites attract. If this dude had his way, he’d stay horizontal for the rest of his life and could someone pass the popcorn?
We bring those same personalities to the table when a disagreement (big or small) arises.
I gotta be right. I gotta prove my point. I gotta tell him, in no uncertain terms, what I feel is unacceptable behavior. He withdraws, tries to get back to his “relaxation mode” as quickly as possible and I get frustrated because he isn’t listening or seeing things from my point of view.
So I became a student of our relationship. I asked myself:
- When do our disagreements usually happen? At night, after the kids go to bed, is prime argument time because we haven’t seen each other all day.
- Who “started” the argument? Usually me. He’s way too laid-back to be starting arguments.
- Why do our disagreements usually come up? We’ll be talking about a problem but he is too tired or unwilling to go toe-to-toe like I am, so I get upset and question his commitment to solving the problem.
So what we have here is the classic case of “Y’all need to fix this!” Here’s three things I’ve done to try to make sure arguments (large or small) enhance our relationship, not tear it apart:
First – I looked inward. This is probably the hardest step to take because when you sense there’s a problem in your relationship you tend to look outward first. But alas, if both people tried to bring their best selves to the table, I guarantee you 80% of arguments would never happen. That’s a fact. (‘Cause I made it up.) I realize that yes, I pick the WORST time to talk to my husband about issues (11 p.m., but that’s when I get my second wind!). If I could work on my timing, then maybe that will alleviate some of the problems.
Second – I tried to separate my husband’s actions from my perceptions. Just for a silly example, if he yawned during an argument – is he being rude or is he just tired? This involved giving my husband the benefit of the doubt when I really didn’t want to.
Third – I had to learn to listen all over again. I am the QUEEN of interrupting and not listening to what my husband is saying because I am too busy formulating my response in my head. Now I have to take a deep breath and repeat back what he says without any inferences or judgment. I force myself to just listen to what he’s saying, rather than trying to interpret his comments.
You’ll notice that I don’t mention anything where I try to change him or try to make my arguments stronger so he has no choice but to agree with me. I can’t MAKE anyone change and I can’t MAKE anyone agree with me. I can only control what I do and how I respond to a situation. Expending energy to change someone is pointless. Focus on you and things will only get better from there.
How often do you argue in your relationship? What other pointers do you have to help couples fight fair?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for more insights on love and family.
Excellent read. You’ve nailed it. Folks inability to see the them in the equation, making assumptions and rehearsing (creating your response before your spouse as even had an opportunity to present their position) will destroy any relationship.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Most of us women are thinkers and we tend to think too much. I certainly can relate to this because this was my behavior for the first 2-3 years of our marriage. “Just for a silly example, if he yawned during an argument – is he being rude or is he just tired?” That was my story. Going way too far. Then I had to learn the personality of my husband (even though I had been with him for 7 years, I knew nothing until we got married). I am a Believer, so I will say it like this: the Holy Bible says that we should know those that we labor amongst. Since marriage is our first ministry and, therefore the main place that we labor, we certainly better get to know each other so that we do not misjudge, mis-take, or miss the point the other is trying to make. Time is a teacher. We can laugh about it now. Husband: “Yawn” (after working all day)… Me: “So what are you trying to say, I’m boring you?” Live, love and learn!
I am unmarried but can totally relate to this column. Self-evaluation is the key for me as well as cooling off. I get irritated easily because I am serious while he is easy going. To avoid unnecessary attitude and hurt feelings, I take a breather and evaluate my behavior/reaction to the situation. Tends to work majority of the time. Thanks for a great read!
argument,start when you take off your thinking hat,and it catch you off guard,and the voices,are forcing upon you…and you have know defence,you ‘re being push in the corner,and you going to come out fighting…think before you speak,words do hurt.Ladies,men think different then we do,When they have a disagreement,about something ,they get in,and get out,the conversation is over as far as they concern.Oh, no. We as women,demand direct attention…We linger to long on the same drama,not knowing,when to shut up…for not completely listening to the whole situation. So,There it’s…Where is the grown up?
This is very informative. I am learning loads. I am glad its honest and real.
Well although self-evaluation is important. It’s important for both of you. Just because he’s laid back doesn’t mean he’s in the right. Although your goal shouldn’t be to get the one-ups on the other not talking is an issue too. In my 5292 days of being married(14.5 years)..don’t assume the role as instigator because you have a Type A personality because even when you are coming from the correct perspective your role you have given yourself will always make it like you are the issue when in fact it takes both of you.