I can remember falling off of my bicycle as a kid and my older cousins, uncles, and my dad would say, “Get up! Be a man!”
As a kid I would tell them, whomever it was at the time of incident, “But I’m a boy, not a man.” They would look at me with anger in their eyes and again say, “Well go’on and be a cry baby then!” Mind you, I recall one time where I wasn’t crying at all. Not a tear or even a drop of sweat to play the role as a tear were on my face. But alas, I was still called a cry baby. It confused me then and still confuses me now.
My lovely and gorgeous wife Cherise shared a YouTube video with me called The Mask You Live In. I was slow in watching it because I thought oh great, another documentary about black men and our failures. Little did I know this particular documentary was about boys of all races, colors, and creeds … I was impressed to say the least.
[youtube id=”hc45-ptHMxo”]
Compared to girls, research shows that boys in the U.S. are more likely to be diagnosed with a behavior disorder, prescribed stimulant medications, fail out of school, binge drink, commit a violent crime, and/or take their own lives.
Like many of the boys in the video, I was called a coward, punk, virgin (oh no … not that), weirdo, freak, scaredy cat, told crying is for girls, etc. Those words hurt much more than the sticks and stones I had thrown at me. I could easily heal from those. But the words took years for me to heal. In elementary school, I was told by my fellow students that only girls give their mommies a kiss. I didn’t want to be called that so I stopped kissing my mom at drop-off. Well, I would kiss her a few blocks away and then act like a man in front of the school. But even then, it hurt my mom’s feelings because in my family a kiss on the cheek or lips was a sign of love towards your family member no matter female or male … but ONLY if they were family. We didn’t share kisses with outsiders, that is just strange.
I mean our society puts a huge emphasis on ‘being a man.’ So much that it never allows our sons to just be little boys. I mean God forbid they enjoy their childhood and not be rushed into becoming a Spartan at the age of one.
Every word that follows ‘be a man’ is preceded by an action of roughness or statement emphasizing manhood. In turn that blank slate of a human being (little boy) is being taught to think and / or believe a man is rough and says harsh words to show his manliness. Here are some articles that I found on the subject of ‘manhood’:
- What Does It Mean to Be a Man? 80+ Quotes on Men & Manhood
- How to be a man … Wiki How
- Traits of a Real Man
- What is a Man?
These were the most informative articles on how to act like a man but none of them taught me how to ‘be a man.’ I then went on to search the world wide web (specifically Google) on how to be a man. I am a firm believer that no search engine can teach a boy to be a man. For example, I have several associates and acquaintances that are in their 30’s and 40’s that read articles and Google ‘how to be a man’ but still have the minds of boys. Only a man can teach a boy on how to be a man. I feel we are failing our boys … not some of us, all of us. Whatever happened to “It Takes A Village to raise a child?”
Anyway, here are the results of what I found via Google on being a man:
- What is a man? – about 6,320,000,000 results
- What makes a man? about 2,820,000,000 results
- How to be a man? about 3,810,000,000 results
- How to not be a man – about 7,680,000,000 results
- How to stop being a man (my favorite … such a foolish topic)
The Mask You Live In asks: As a society, how are we failing our boys?
After seeing the sentence above on the website I sat in silence and thought about how I treated my son compared to my treatment of my god-daughter. They were polar opposites of course. I had fallen into, what my wife and I call, the ‘should be’ of manhood. Example, my son would fall and I would say, “You’re OK. Get up,” or “That’s not a real cry. Stop faking it for attention.” Having this reflective moment allowed me to see that I was showing my son what I was shown as a kid. It helped me to see that I wanted my son to know that he is still a boy, male, and man even if he falls and cries a few tears. I mean he’s 2 years old. What do you expect from a child that has a very limited vocabulary … Shakespeare? No! You expect an emotional response to a physical situation. Now when he is old enough to use words to express himself crying after falling down or hitting his knee will be discussed. But until then he will get support, love, and an appropriate amount of comfort from me .. his dad … a man.
My point in all of this was not to explain manhood but to get us as a community of many to join together as one and show our boys on how to be men. To find out more about The Mask You Live In follow them on Facebook or Twitter.
BMWK – What words are you speaking over your son(s)? Do you see words as harmless or hurtful? How have words impacted you from a kid to an adult? Are you loving your son(s) just as much as you are telling him to be a man?