by Shenia Coleman Kirkland (www.1peachymama.com)
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Saturday, October 15th was Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Awareness Day. One in four women have or will experience a miscarriage, a stillbirth or a newborn loss in their lives. And, I am one of those women. This is my story:
About seven and a half years ago, my husband and I were anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child. I had a delightful pregnancy! And, we were both pensive about our goals as parents and deliberate about our perspectives regarding childrearing. During my pregnancy, we each wrote several letters to our unborn daughter about the hopes, dreams and expectations that we had for her. We wanted her to know how very much we loved her before she was even born. As I was being wheeled into cesarean surgery after laboring unsuccessfully for 30+ hours, I remember saying to my husband that our lives would never be the same. I couldn’t have been more right.
Our eager anticipation of our daughter’s birth was soon met with confusion and horror when she stopped breathing in the delivery room. After being resuscitated by the medical staff, our angel was immediately taken to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). The next two and a half weeks were a complete roller coaster. The doctors performed test after test, in an effort to identify what caused her to stop breathing in the delivery room. But, the tests revealed nothing.
All of the panic, emotional stress and stress on my body (because I insisted on staying in the NICU as much as possible so I could nurse and hold my baby), took its toll. I was not eating. I could barely sleep. And, I was constantly on the go, just hours after surgery. After spiking a 105-degree fever, the doctors insisted that I take it easy. (This, of course, was easier said that done”....) And, I was treated for a post-surgical infection.
When our daughter was six days old, the neonatologist in the NICU noticed a small indentation near her tailbone. And, he was alarmed. An ambulance was dispatched to take our baby to the nearest Children’s Hospital NICU. Even though I was still recovering from a post-surgical infection and had not yet been discharged, I remember telling the doctor very matter-of-factly: “I’m leaving the hospital now whether you discharge me or not. My baby is not leaving this hospital without me.” Recognizing the urgency of the situation, he acquiesced. I insisted on riding in the ambulance with my newborn daughter. And, I hysterically sobbed the entire time”.....
Our baby underwent countless tests, brain image scans, and even an invasive surgery within the first three weeks of her life. On a daily basis she seemed to be doing well. Then, like clockwork, a test would come back with results that gave cause for concern. Passing each hurdle seemed to be met with yet another test. After two and a half weeks of bearing the weight of the unknown, we were thrilled that she was getting stronger and stronger. She was nursing well, gaining weight and seemed to be thriving. Hubby and I were finally feeling the excitement and joy of every new parent preparing to bring their child home. It was then that we received the worst news possible”....
Out of the blue, one of the doctors came to us somberly and said that he needed to speak with us. He took us into a small room and suggested that we sit down. Then, he told us that one of our daughter’s tests revealed that she had a very rare disorder, which (as he put it) is “not conducive to life.” I will never forget those words”..... And, our lives would never be the same”.....
Please be sure to revisit tomorrow for more of my story: “Making Memories with a Terminally Ill Child”.
Until next time”....
Much Love, y’all!
Shenia Coleman Kirkland
CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ENTIRE SERIES
Shenia Coleman Kirkland is an attorney, law professor, novelist, screenplay writer and motivational speaker. She chronicles her journey from a driven corporate attorney (and feminist) to wife and work-at-home mother on www.1peachymama.com, in which she discusses the tenuous balance between motherhood, marriage and maintaining a sense of self. She would love for you to follow her on Twitter @1peachymama.