by Shenia Coleman Kirkland (www.1peachymama.com)
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Saturday, October 15th was Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Awareness Day. One in four women have or will experience a miscarriage, a stillbirth or a newborn loss in their lives. And, I am one of those women. This is my story:
About seven and a half years ago, my husband and I were anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child. I had a delightful pregnancy! And, we were both pensive about our goals as parents and deliberate about our perspectives regarding childrearing. During my pregnancy, we each wrote several letters to our unborn daughter about the hopes, dreams and expectations that we had for her. We wanted her to know how very much we loved her before she was even born. As I was being wheeled into cesarean surgery after laboring unsuccessfully for 30+ hours, I remember saying to my husband that our lives would never be the same. I couldn’t have been more right.
Our eager anticipation of our daughter’s birth was soon met with confusion and horror when she stopped breathing in the delivery room. After being resuscitated by the medical staff, our angel was immediately taken to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). The next two and a half weeks were a complete roller coaster. The doctors performed test after test, in an effort to identify what caused her to stop breathing in the delivery room. But, the tests revealed nothing.
All of the panic, emotional stress and stress on my body (because I insisted on staying in the NICU as much as possible so I could nurse and hold my baby), took its toll. I was not eating. I could barely sleep. And, I was constantly on the go, just hours after surgery. After spiking a 105-degree fever, the doctors insisted that I take it easy. (This, of course, was easier said that done”....) And, I was treated for a post-surgical infection.
When our daughter was six days old, the neonatologist in the NICU noticed a small indentation near her tailbone. And, he was alarmed. An ambulance was dispatched to take our baby to the nearest Children’s Hospital NICU. Even though I was still recovering from a post-surgical infection and had not yet been discharged, I remember telling the doctor very matter-of-factly: “I’m leaving the hospital now whether you discharge me or not. My baby is not leaving this hospital without me.” Recognizing the urgency of the situation, he acquiesced. I insisted on riding in the ambulance with my newborn daughter. And, I hysterically sobbed the entire time”.....
Our baby underwent countless tests, brain image scans, and even an invasive surgery within the first three weeks of her life. On a daily basis she seemed to be doing well. Then, like clockwork, a test would come back with results that gave cause for concern. Passing each hurdle seemed to be met with yet another test. After two and a half weeks of bearing the weight of the unknown, we were thrilled that she was getting stronger and stronger. She was nursing well, gaining weight and seemed to be thriving. Hubby and I were finally feeling the excitement and joy of every new parent preparing to bring their child home. It was then that we received the worst news possible”....
Out of the blue, one of the doctors came to us somberly and said that he needed to speak with us. He took us into a small room and suggested that we sit down. Then, he told us that one of our daughter’s tests revealed that she had a very rare disorder, which (as he put it) is “not conducive to life.” I will never forget those words”..... And, our lives would never be the same”.....
Please be sure to revisit tomorrow for more of my story: “Making Memories with a Terminally Ill Child”.
Until next time”....
Much Love, y’all!
Shenia Coleman Kirkland
CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ENTIRE SERIES
Shenia Coleman Kirkland is an attorney, law professor, novelist, screenplay writer and motivational speaker. She chronicles her journey from a driven corporate attorney (and feminist) to wife and work-at-home mother on www.1peachymama.com, in which she discusses the tenuous balance between motherhood, marriage and maintaining a sense of self. She would love for you to follow her on Twitter @1peachymama.
Tiffanie Mosely says
Your story just takes my breath away! So glad you are sharing to help make other families stronger!
Shenia Kirkland says
Thanks so much, Tiffany! My hope is that other families going through this pain won’t feel so isolated or alone. Unfortunately, 1 in 4 women experience a pregnancy or infant loss. Hopefully, my story will give them hope and encouragement on their journey. Thanks again! All the best to you!
Pat says
“Praying that my story offers hope & healing:” It already is.. Thank you
Shenia Kirkland says
Then, it’s all worthwhile. *smile* Thank you!
Adrienne Nichell says
Thank you for sharing.
China Doll1978 says
God bless you and thank you for being courageous enough to share your story.
Shenia Kirkland says
Thank you! Blessings to you and your family, as well. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes experiences like this to give perspective on how short life is and to reiterate that a child really is a gift from heaven. Thanks so much!
Tyesha Dean says
I read a quoate today that said “When you kiss your baby’s face, you kiss the face of God”…I have had my share of loss and grief, but I do know that you are a very strong woman, just to be able to type your story. May God continue to shower you with his blessings.
Shenia Kirkland says
So true! Thank you! When you’re in the midst of a storm, you don’t feel very strong…. But, it’s incredibly rewarding to turn pain into purpose and to offer encouragement to others. All the best to you!
Renfo82 says
Thank you for giving infant and pregnancy loss a voice. As a mother to an angel oftentime the baby loss community is so isolated. This subject needs to be addressed more to empower those who experience such a loss
Shenia Kirkland says
<> to your angel and mine. All the best to you!
Pansy Jones says
Thank you for sharing you story..May God bless you and your family..
Lamar says
Thank you for sharing your story. I can tell from the comments here and on our Facebook page that it is touching so many lives.
Shenia Kirkland says
Thanks, Lamar! It’s comforting to know that it’s offering encouragement and hope. At some point in everyone’s life, they confront the reality that happiness is a choice…. regardless of circumstances. Here’s to turning pain into purpose! All the best!
Felicia_payton4 says
This hurts my heart, I am so sorry to hear a mother suffer the loss of a child, my prayers are with you
Shenia Kirkland says
Thank you so much for your prayers! *smile* All the best to you!
Centria says
My heart was heavy reading this…thank you for having the courage to share. May GOD
Continue to bless you and your family!!
Kenyetta kelly says
Thanks for sharing I lost my daughter to in 98 I still fell the pain I thought would never go away and I still think about her. The most exiting thing about this day is that my next daughter was born on same day in 99 so now my sad day on september 25 is now a happy one to. Stay strong and know u are never alone.
Shawn Ashley says
If I’m completely honest, I intentionally didn’t read these posts. Because the title alone caused me to reflect on my own life. I now realize that its okay to hurt and grieve after a loss even multiple miscarriages. God makes no mistakes. I pray that He continues to bless you and your husband with peace, comfort and love. Know that by sharing your story you have encouraged at least one person and are not alone. Thank you for sharing.
Hotkitten1986 says
Thank you for shearing this whit us I know it had to be hard for you to do and every thing me and my husband just lost our baby on july 24th at 4 weeks in to me carrying it the way we found out is not the way I wood wont to find out they are haveing a baby I was haveing really bad pains like the time of the mot pains but 10 times bader then that I had gone in to the er 5 days be for I found out for the same pains I was haveing to be told I was just backed up and to drink caster oil to help me out that my test to if I was came back saying no as to me being that way and me and my husband had gave up on trying to have one at the time and every thing well I whated to take the caste oil seeing the pain had gone a way and every thing to days later the pain vame back and I fell to the floor and my husband told me to take it so I did and by the time it was all done I felt like I was geting cut open from the inside out and we had to run to the er and time whit in a week for the same pain I was haveing be for that know one wonted to here me on be for so they run a blood test as well as the home test the home one came back saying no but the blood said I was 4 weeks along so they told me and I was so happy I was all ready planing every thing out for this little baby boy or girl me and my husband were just find out we were going to have so the ultersound came around and I had just got back to the room I was in and texted my husband to let him know that I may be geting out soon to see the doc walk in and tell me they had a obgyn on there way down to talk to be a but what was going to do whit the baby seeing it was growing in my right tube and had to be removed I just started crying as I was telling my husband in a text that I did not wont to be a lone and he asked me what was wrong I told him I did not wont to put it in a text but I was going to be there for a few days he came in and has he did he had a woman telling him he could not go in the room whit me and they filley got him in as the obgyn was comeing in to talk to us and the the chiple seeing we are army and live on a base to say a pary for us be for I head up to be put to sleep for them cuting me open my husband steyed by my side the hole time and his friends were by his side when he was whating for me to come out of svery thing he called of work to sit by my side till I got home had to bath me and help me around the house it made us fight and every thing and it hurt really bad now I see it was not any thing to do whit me or him the docs did every thing back wards by telling.me be for knowing what was wrong but if they wood have got to it sooner then what they had if the wood have hard what I was saying in the 1st places they could have saved my baby wicth that had felled to tell me a but I hard it from some one later that it could have lived all they had to do was move it from the tube to my uetres there friend had the same thing happen and her little girl was now a year old and doing just fine it really hurt they did it and then I look back and think what wood have I done whit out my husband by my side he is now over seas and I miss him I say if you fill some thing is wrong get it looked at asap an