I didn’t see it coming. Then again, maybe I did. I could feel my fiancé pulling away, but I thought it was due to some issues he was having with his new job. He didn’t communicate with me about it, so I thought I’d give him some space, while at the same time, reassure him that I’d always be there for him.
Weeks later, he came over and asked me to go for a walk with him. When we reached the park, he asked me to give him back the ring—with no explanation of why he no longer wanted to get married. My confusion quickly turned into devastation when I realized it was really over, and my dreams of getting married had died.
Breakups are hard. No matter the length of the relationship, rejection is difficult to handle. In fact, recent research has shown that the brain processes the emotional pain of rejection in the same way it processes the physical pain of an injury. If you don’t have the right tools and support to cope with the pain, it’s easy for a breakup to turn into a breakdown. You can find yourself either returning to your old destructive patterns or avoiding dating altogether after your heart has been broken.
I want to give you a five-step process to help you get over your breakup. Think of it as a prescription for heartbreak that will get you onto the road of recovery so that you can feel confident about the love that is waiting for you in your future.
1. Take large doses of self-compassion
Self-compassion means you treat yourself with the same love, kindness and understanding that you would give to a close friend. You’ll need it because it’s so easy for the negative chatter in your mind to go from a small rumble to a large roar when you’re in the middle of a breakup. Instead of telling yourself you’ll never love again, write love notes to yourself. Put affirmations on your phone and recite them throughout the day. Get massages. Take a new exercise class. Make sure you eat well, go to bed on time and get out of the house—even if it’s just to take a walk around the block. Most of all, give yourself permission to cry! Don’t repress your feelings, otherwise they’ll come out when you least expect it, and you’ll find yourself weeping in the grocery store because you walked past the broccoli and remembered that your ex loved the way you made chicken alfredo!
2. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself
You’ll recover faster if you tell yourself this truth: Breakups happen because something was broken in the relationship. When you’re flooded with emotions and good memories about your ex, remind yourself of the not-so-good times, too. Maybe he couldn’t communicate well. Perhaps she was unwilling to relocate to your state. Maybe you loved him more than he loved you. Perhaps no one did anything wrong, but you just weren’t compatible and you know a marriage wouldn’t work out, no matter what you did. If you tell yourself the truth, you can let go of the past and embrace your future!
3. Only take responsibility for your part of the relationship breakdown
Once you’ve processed the reason why your relationship didn’t go the distance, make sure you only take responsibility for your part of the relationship. Some breakups are ugly and end with someone blaming you for all of the problems. You may have even blamed yourself, and you’re now haunted by “the coulda woulda shouldas.” The truth is it takes two people to make a relationship and two people to end it. If your ex projected all of their issues onto you, you don’t have to receive that. Reduce the amount of baggage you bring to your next relationship by only taking ownership of your issues (and then spend time working on them).
4. Grieve what you’ve lost
Your friends and family may be glad that your relationship didn’t work out, but if they rush you to focus only on what was bad about the person, they could unknowingly cause you to get stuck in your pain or, worse yet, wait for another chance or resolution with your ex. The only way to truly move on is to grieve the loss of the love, companionship and comfort you had in your relationship. The grief process is essential to the healing process. It’s scary to face your sadness, but this is what allows you to let go, and most importantly, embrace a new life!
5. Focus on your future love
In order to get through your present pain, you want to focus on your future love. Don’t waste time trying to get your ex back. Celebrate that you’ve gotten your life back and focus on the fact that on the other side of this breakup is a person who will love you enough to commit to you forever.
I know it sounds cliche, but this too shall pass! I know because as painful as my broken engagement was, I eventually met and married the man of my dreams. I believe you’ll get through this, and once you’re happy in a new relationship, you’ll wonder why you spent so much time worrying about the people who couldn’t love you the way you deserved.
BMWK, have you had a tough breakup? How did you rebound?