I had a chance, last week, to catch up with D.C. music producer/song writer, and owner of Fire Drop Music Group, Don Cox. Don is a humble, down to earth brother with a powerful story that he wants to share with men by exposing the often silent, inner battle that men have with depression. Depression is a form of mental illness that so many men, particularly African American men are fighting through, often unaware or in silence. It is one of those issues that rarely gets talked about, but in recent years more attention is being shone on depression to the rise of instances of depression and suicide amongst African American men. But Don Cox, wants to bring the discussion to the forefront, in hopes that men will be begin to open up about this growing problem that is on the verge of being labeled an epidemic.
Don’s Story: A Business Man, A Husband and A Father
Don and his wife have been married for 16 years, they have four children — two boys and two girls. He has always been into music, but in the late 1990’s he really started to get serious about his music. Of course being from D.C., Don was into Go-Go music, as well as Hip-Hop and R&B.
While he was producing music, he was also working for the federal government. In 2005 Don left his job with the federal government to take care of one of his children who was fighting through severe bouts of childhood asthma. He shared, how it was a blessing to be able to leave his job and take care of his daughter. Yet at the same time, being a husband and father without a steady income was a real challenge to his sense of being the head of household. He recounted, times that his children would bypass him and go to his wife when they needed things, because he was not working. His career as music producer was still there, but as is often the case in the music industry, the money was inconsistent at times. It was a real time of adjustment for Don and the entire family.
Fatherhood Song and President Obama
Around the same time that Don became a stay at home dad, focused on taking care of his daughter, he also teamed up with Tray Chaney who played Poot Carr on HBO’s The Wire. Together they produced positive songs that as Don put it, “made fatherhood cool.” Their 2012 song Fatherhood, was recognized last year by President Obama at the annual Fatherhood and Families Conference, for it’s positive message and was featured on BET’s 106&Park. Individually, Don was also selected to represent the state of Maryland by the makers of Bounty Brand Towel’s, as they recognized him as being a great father.
Outwardly, Don’s life was reflecting all the things that every father and husband wants to portray, and every wife wants in her home. He was a sacrificial father, a dedicated husband, balancing a career in the music industry that was being recognized from the local community all the way to the White House. Yet inwardly, Don labeled himself, at that same time, as being “mentally locked up.” All the accolades, the recognition, the positive music, the great family life, none of that was registering. Despite every positive in his life, Don had a negative outlook on everything good that was happening to him. Instead, he met anything that appeared to be good, with suspicion, negativity, and doubt. He did not know it at the time, but now as he works through what he describes as a near “breakdown” in 2012, he realizes that back then he was battling depression.
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What Depression and Mental Illness Looks Like
What depression and mental illness looks like is the crux of the story that Don wants to share. Being depressed or experiencing a form of mental illness may not show up in overt, clearly visible ways on the outside. In fact, he now traces the roots and signs of his depression back to his childhood and acknowledges that sadness has always been there. However, it was not until late 2012 when he began demonstrating a more persistent sadness, weight loss, bouts of crying, emotional swings, and at a point suicidal thoughts, that he recognized the depth and severity of the fight he was fighting.
Now he and his family are in therapy together and he is finding balance and happiness in putting the negativity behind him and he is learning to find joy in life. What is so impressive about Don is his willingness to transparently share his story and road to recovery. So, here are a few key insights that Don wants to share with the men of BMWK and the wives that love them.
Listen. The first person to recognize the depression was Don’s wife. For several years she shared her concerns with her husband. However, it took years for him to see it for himself. He suggests to men, “if people are telling you something is wrong, and your way is not working, listen and get help.” Sometimes those that love us the most and that are the closest to us can see things that we can’t. Listen to them.
Sadness is not normal. He advises that, “Being in consistent places of sadness and negativity is not how life should be”. It took looking at old pictures for Don to realize how deep and long the grip of sadness was in his life. Take some time to look at yourself, pay attention to your expressions and appearance. If you always look mean, mad or sad maybe you are depressed.
Symptoms vary. The picture of mental health is often portrayed by someone doing strange or exhibiting odd behavior. But, mental illness and specifically depression can manifest itself in different ways and be triggered by a wide range of behaviors.
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Depression impacts the entire family. When a man is depressed, it affects the whole family. Through family therapy sessions, it has been made clear that his depression cast a gloomy, negative vibe on the entire family and their interactions. His perspective of every aspect of life, including his family life, was to look for and expect the worst. At his worst times, he would enter a room and his kids would go into “protective mode,” texting, finding other things to do, and avoiding contact with him. His take is that, the negativity sometimes associated with depression has its way of pushing family members away and causing them to avoid contact.
On the other side of recognizing the fight that he was in, Don also shared what he has gained by admitting the problem and seeking help. Things that he did not even realize he was missing until he began taking steps to the road to recovery.
Count Your Blessings. By exposing his depression, seeking help, and now sharing his story publicly, he has been able to come to a place of looking at life differently. Start by counting your blessings. In his case, Don had to realize, “I have four healthy kids, I have been recognized by the President, my music has been on 106&Park, and I have a beautiful wife, I am blessed.” It is a perspective that makes living life enjoyable. It is an appreciation that depression hides from a person’s view. So, outside, professional help may be needed to get to this place of appreciation.
“I missed all of this.” Depression has a way of blinding a person to what is really important in life. As Don continues to improve and see his family life stabilize he looks at his improving relationship with his wife and kids and says, “I missed all of this.” That was a thought and part of the conversation that really hit me. As we get older, we realize just how short life is, and how very precious time with our loved ones is. That only elevates the need to pay attention to ourselves and get to places where we can truly appreciate the gifts that life has given us.
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Steps to Liberation. Faith, therapy and family support have been the turning points. Since the beginning of the year, Don has begun regularly attending church services. He and his family are now in family therapy and working through the factors that led him to where he is. But his biggest source of strength to this point has been his family. He credits the patience and love of his wife for putting up with the years of negativity. It is that patient love that enabled and encouraged him to seek help. He also cites the love of his kids for helping to re-prioritize his outlook on life. That family support has been the key in helping Don be the husband and father that he wants to be.
Get Help
We closed our conversation by Don giving one final piece of advice and encouragement to men that feel they might be depressed:
Get help. If you feel that you are not productive and you don’t want to be around people, get help. “We go to the doctor for everything else, why not mental illness?” He adds to that, that “You are accountable for your own recovery.” Don refuses to blame childhood situations and does not allow the past to be an excuse that keeps him “stuck” in what has happened. Instead, he acknowledges the facts and reality of the past while looking forward to the future with his wife and children as he continues to improve.
Now, on the other side of negativity, being mentally “locked up” and missing out on the joys of life and marriage is the real Don Cox. A man that enjoys talking to his wife 3-5 times a day, that looks forward to spending time with his kids, and is proud of his accomplishments in the music industry.
BMWK, let’s thank Don for stepping out and being so transparent about mental illness and it’s impact on so many men, their wives, and families. It would also be fitting to pray for and share words of encouragement with him and his family as they continue to move forward. Personally, what made talking with Don and writing this piece such a joy, is that I can identify with Don. I think most men can — the pressure of fatherhood, being a husband, trying to provide, etc…coupled with the realities of our past life experiences leads many African American men to bouts of depression. As Don encouraged, we don’t look for excuses, rather we look for solutions — let’s talk about it, let’s get help.
BMWK — Do you have any words of wisdom or encouragement for Don and other men who are battling depression?