by Harriet Hairston
Ask anyone who has been married a day or five decades what three keys to a successful marriage are, and I can unequivocally tell you that at least 99% of the responses will include “healthy communication” in their responses. For some, this is a nebulous term that sends chills up and down their spine. For others, it is both a science and an art to learn how to become closer by means of it.
Wherever you fall on that spectrum, I’ve learned that if the key to a great marriage is healthy communication, then the destruction of a marriage lies in the damage that unhealthy communication wreaks upon a relationship. Gary Chapman, in his book, “Covenant Marriage,” outlined what he called “The Four ‘Fowls’ of Unhealthy Communication.” What alarmed me when reading this is how I could pinpoint times when I fit each of these descriptions:
Fowl #1: The Dove–Peace at any price
This is when one spouse placates the other to avoid wrath or an argument. This “fowl” is a people pleaser who almost never disagrees with his or her spouse, no matter how they really feel. Being a dove relinquishes any possibility for intimacy because it causes people to grow apart.
I’m an expert at this one! I used to have a tendency to be passive and afraid of confrontation. After working hard all day, I was not about to expend any energy arguing with my spouse. “Yes, baby” was my credo, and whatever my spouse said–right, wrong or indifferent–was what went because I couldn’t stand arguing.
Gary Chapman stated, “Peace at any price carries a high price tag” to marriage. The olive branch is overrated when it comes to marriage!
Fowl #2: The Hawk–It’s your fault
This “fowl” blames the spouse for everything. He or she is a boss and dictator who never does anything wrong. The most important thing to the hawk is his or her own judgment and opinion, not facts or how their spouse feels. Hawks are strong on the outside, but weak emotionally. They tend to feel better when they put others down.
I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been there, done that as well. I blamed my husband for our current financial state, for our housing woes, for Monday being Manic, for the sky turning gray when it rains. LOL You name it, I blamed Mr. Incredible for it. My faultfinding met with my emotional weakness, and our relationship was characterized by verbal battles. It was like the Thrilla in Manila constantly.
Fowl #3: The Owl–Let’s be reasonable
This fowl is calm, cool and collected and shows no emotions or feelings. This fowl tends to lecture the other spouse like a child. This person feels vulnerable inside, and his or her ultra-reasonableness convinces him/her of their worth and intellect. It is a compensation for feelings of inadequacy. This person is cold like a computer….and who wants to make love to a computer?
Fowl #4: The Ostrich–If I ignore it, it will go away
This person is a master at stonewalling. He or she ignores disagreeable actions and comments and talks a whole lot about nothing at all. Ostriches avoid arguments because they are unsettling to them. This creates barriers to intimacy because it doesn’t allow a couple to get beyond the surface level of communication.
To alleviate these unhealthy patterns, the first step is to identify which ones you and your spouse tend to fall into. Then decide you want to do away with the old and embrace new, healthy patterns. When you revert to the old patter, admit wrong doing and failure and do periodic self-checks to ensure you are engaging in healthy communication patterns.
BMWK, which “fowl” have you been guilty of portraying? How can you consistently implement self checks to ensure you change that negative communication pattern?
God bless!
~ Harriet