by Harriet Hairston
Anybody with just one of their five senses can tell that change is in the air, some for better, some for worse. We are embarking upon Autumn. No matter how hot it is outside, the leaves on the trees tell of a different story. As they transform from green to auburn and burnt orange, I enjoy hearing the crunch of them under my feet as I walk. The air smells different, and the stifling heat subsides earlier than normal.
Just as nature has its signs to outline the changing of seasons, so do marriages. Gary Chapman, in his book, “The Four Seasons of Marriage,” outlines the seasons a marriage tends to go through, and how to gracefully remain positive in transition. Here is his description:
WINTER MARRIAGES:
“Winter marriages are characterized by coldness, harshness and bitterness. The dreams of spring are covered with layers of ice.”
Conversations are only about logistics–who will do what and when they will do it. Communication is relegated to silence, arguments, criticism and at times verbal abuse. Lives are lived independently, although under the same roof. This is caused by rigidity: an unwillingness to consider the other person’s perspective and work towards compromise.
The emotions ever present in a winter season of marriage are hurt, anger, disappointment, loneliness and a sense of rejection. The attitudes of spouses in the winter season are a pervasive pessimism, seeing the worst, thinking problems are too big, discouragement, hopelessness and the nasty habit of blaming the other person.
The natural inclination of individuals within a winter season of marriage is to avoid the elements and withdraw. There is either a conscious or subconscious desire to hurt the other spouse with harsh words or even violent acts. Spouses tend to feel detached and desperate for change.
There is, however, a positive side to the winter season. According to Chapman, couples tend to “maintain hope. People don’t lay down in snow and wait to die…they seek help. Trials produce patience and perseverance, and forgiveness makes room for love.”
SPRING MARRIAGES:
“Spring is where most marriages begin,” says Chapman. “The excitement of creating a new life together is not exclusively for newlyweds.”
The emotions in a spring marraige are characterized by excitement, joy, hope and happiness. Couples feel animated and buoyant, and their attitudes towards one another are positive. There is both gratitude and anticipation of the future, and an overall feeling of optimism and trust.
Just like newlyweds or second/third/fourth honeymoon couples tend to do, the actions of a spring marriage are the constant thinking of how to express love in both word and deed. Couples want to do things to deepen the relationship and benefit the other person.
But just as the harshness of winter marriages has a positive side, the excitement of spring marriages contains negativity. In natural terms, many people suffer with allergies and hay fever during the spring, and a spring marriage can contain the same kind of unexpected irritations as well.
SUMMER MARRIAGES:
“Fun is the theme of a summer marriage,” says Chapman. “Life is beautiful and reaping benefits of efforts to understand each other. Spouses share a deep sense of commitment, satisfaction and security in each other’s love.”
Emotions include happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment, connection, peace and FUN! Attitudes are beautiful, but they must be watered, or else they will wither in the heat of the sun. There is usually a desire to keep growing together. The communication is constructive, and couples have learned to accept each others’ differences.
A couple in the summer season of marriage needs to be forewarned, though. There are unresolved conflicts under the surface that must be brought out if a marriage is to remain in the ebullience of summertime.
FALL MARRIAGES:
“These marriages look find externally; outsiders may even comment on how happy the couple seems to be. Yet inside the marriage, things are changing.”
Fall marriages can either be a prelude to winter, or a couple can dig deep and make time reverse itself so they can go back to spring again. Emotions in this season include sadness, apprehension, rejection, resentment, loneliness and emotional depletion. Couples in the fall season of their marriage have attitudes of great concern over their marriages; there is an uncertainty about where things are going.
The beauty about the fall is the fork in the road that makes itself available to couples. Either they can lead into winter with attitudes of neglect and allowing the marriage to drift in a negative direction, or they can go back to the spring season with actions that foster a positive relationship. A couple can either grow closer together or drift further apart in this season.
There are six strategies a couple can employ to ensure a marriage remains either in spring or summer:
- Deal with past failures so you can put them behind you.
- Choose a winning attitude and break the cycle of negativity.
- Learn to speak your spouse’s love language.
- Develop the awesome power of empathetic listening–put yourself in your spouse’s shoes!
- Discover the joy of helping your spouse succeed.
- Maximize your differences instead of focusing on them. There is a balance that all married couples can attain.
BMWK, you can find out which season you’re in by taking the assessment quiz at this link. What season of marriage are YOU in? How can you employ the six strategies to either remain within spring and summer seasons or push yourself out of winter and fall seasons?
God bless!
~ Harriet