In Part 1, I shared the backstory that led to the writing of this article. And here, I’d like to expound.
Interracial dating is a very sensitive subject. Our emotions are uniquely tied to our personal experiences. With this in mind, let me be clear: This article is not about whether or not a black woman should date outside of her race.
This article is intended to probe for a deeper understanding of why she would choose to only date outside of her race, excluding any and all men of her own ilk. The point of interest is not that a black woman would date a white man or a man of any other race group but that she would not include black men in her dating pool. Let’s begin this “race” by dispelling a myth.
Race
Race is a fairly recent ideological social construct. Let me offer two different positions to support this premise:
(1) from a position of faith- (Acts 17:27) “And He (God) hath made of one blood all nations of men for to dwell on all the face of the earth, and hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation…” According to the scriptures, God made all mankind from one blood. We are one human family.
(2) From science, per scientist, Michael Hadjiargyrou, Ph.D. who wrote: “Despite notions to the contrary, there is only one human race. Our single race is independent of geographic origin, ethnicity, culture, color of skin or shape of eyes—we all share a single phenotype, the same or similar observable anatomical features and behavior..Data show that the DNA of any two human beings is 99.9 percent identical, and we all share the same set of genes, scientifically validating the existence of a single biological human race and one origin for all human beings.”
If we accept these positions as truth, there is only one human family that we are all a part of. From a biological standpoint, it does not matter whom a woman chooses to date within the human family. Thus, my focus is on her reason for the exclusion of the particular group, in particular, the group that most resembles herself.
Choices
Who you choose to date is directly related to what you experience in dating. That statement is so simple that it seems almost pointless to make. Why you choose to date who you date is rarely considered in these conversations.
“That’s my preference” is a popular response to specific inquiries about one’s choices. It proves to be more defensive posturing than any attempt to provide any real information.
If the response was honest, it assumes that preferences originate solely from within and are not in any way shaped by the outside world and the many constructed images designed to make impressions. Impressions are much more powerful when the foundation that should support her was never properly laid.
Could this woman be making such an overarching choice of based on a few impressions in her life?
Father Figure
The role of a father in the life of his little girl cannot be overlooked in terms of the positive impact that his presence will have or the damaging effects that his absence will cause.
I’m not suggesting that all those without a father have or will fall by the wayside. That’s definitely not true, but the absence of a father in the life of a daughter cannot be dismissed as not greatly affecting the lives of many women, whom those young girls grew to become.
The role of a father is so significant that sociologists say it’s common for people to perceive that God is like the fatherly figures in their lives. If dad is caring, patient and concerned, then children will believe God has those same characteristics. And the opposite holds true when a father is harsh, judgmental or absent.
“A father has a powerful influence in deep and subtle ways,” David Dollahite, a professor of Family Life at Brigham Young University, was quoted saying in an article. “Even though children know intellectually that God is fair, loving and kind and patient, it’s hard for them to relate to God at a gut level in a deep way if their own father is not that way.”
The father represents the strength and courage of a man. He provides protection, validity and security for a young girl. The father should be the first male figure that a girl encounters. He should set the standard for the image of a man for his daughter. What happens when he is not there? How is she affected when there is no one there to fill that void and do the work that is purposed for a father to perform?
Could it be that this woman is blaming a whole race of men for the absence of her own father?
Many young girls have been robbed. The absence of a father resulted in them not seeing the proper image of a man, which would have come from seeing a loving father.
When that father loves his wife properly, his daughter sees firsthand how a man is supposed to treat a woman, which, in turn, sets the example of how she should be treated.
What she sees from her father, good or bad, will become what she knows as “normal.” Imagine a young girl growing up without this much-needed example as many have. What void is left and who will fill it? Where will she get her image of what a man should be? Who will be responsible for constructing that image?
As we all know, popular culture offers very little that is of benefit to her in its mass stereotypical (mis)representation of the black male archetype.
It’s not difficult to see how a woman can become disillusioned with the possibility of finding a good black man. If her father failed her, her dating experiences with black men have yielded one heartache after another, the grass may very well be greener on the other side of the fence. It’s at least worth investigating to find out. What does she have to lose? She deserves love just as much as anyone else if not more.
I would only offer that the same father that failed a black daughter also failed a black son. Where does this leave us? Are we all broken beyond repair? Certainly not. One must also consider that white fathers have also failed their sons and daughters.
Relationship issues have no racial bias. All race groups have relationship issues. When a black woman finds happiness in an interracial relationship, it’s not because she chose to date outside her race. It’s because she chose to date a good man.
Good men come in every “flavor” just the same as bad men. A good choice can be made within any group. I only ask that good black men are included in your choices. The men who are excluded should be excluded on the basis of their character. Character has never been determined by skin tone. Character defines every man of every hue. Character is who we become as a result of our experiences as well as in spite of other experiences. Please don’t count us all out.
BMWK, do you think it’s justifiable to have any dating preferences when it comes to qualities outside of character?