Dear Dr. Buckingham,
Thanks for your wonderful advice to people out there and I pray that I get the same. I am in a relationship of about a year and I just discovered that my boyfriend can’t do without sex as he keeps asking for it whenever he is around even when I have tried several times to make him understand that it’s not right before God. I am thinking about ending the relationship since he refuses to cooperate with me. I do not want to hurt myself to satisfy his sexual urge. Am I taking the right step?
Thanks, So Confused
Dear So Confused,
Thank you! I hope that you find the following advice helpful. Yes, you are taking the right step. If your boyfriend can’t respect your decision to honor God, then he is not the one for you. Respect is critical to having a relationship that will last during the test of time. We all enter relationships with certain beliefs and values and should strive to bond with someone who shares similar values.
Values form the foundation for everything that happens in a relationship. Whatever values you hold will inundate your relationship. You will experience continued hardship if your values differ significantly from your significant other. If you are generally happy with your relationship, you probably selected a partner who shares core values that are congruent with your own. Conversely, if you’re not happy in your relationship, watch for dissimilarity between what you value and what your partner values.
Be mindful that no two individuals are the same, there are no perfect matches and love. Like anything else in life, love is expressed differently and shifts based on circumstances. However, define and stick to your core values. If placing God in the center of your life and relationship is a core value that brings you peace of mind, then you should not give into your boyfriend’s sexual demand. If he needs to the test the waters, he can test the waters somewhere else. Selfish and self-centered behavior is the primary reason for the failure of most marriages and relationships.
So in order to preserve any relationship, behavior must be consistent and have shared significance to each member in the relationship. This is referred to as “harmonizing” and can be accomplished by establishing similar core values.
Comprising is important in any relationship, but not when it creates persistent internal and relational conflict. Remember that wickedness is present where God is absent. Keep God in your heart, mind and soul and He will send you a man who will respect you and most importantly honor Him. Having a harmonious relationship is possible, especially if you continue to love yourself and put God first. I will end by reminding you that your body is a temple. Tell your boyfriend that you will try your best to meet his sexual desires after he puts a ring on it.
Best regard, Dr. Buckingham