Typically, our first reaction to a couple in trouble is to mind our own business. Some of us think that it’s that couple’s problem and hopefully and prayerfully the situation will work itself out. But today, with such a high divorce rate, our marriages need as much support as they can receive. So instead of minding our own business, when given the opportunity, let’s challenge as well as encourage our married friends and family to take actions toward saving their marriage. Are we our brother’s keeper? In our community and for the sake of the health of our families, we very well should be.
Allow me to be clear, I am not by any means recommending we seek out, inquire about or try to uncover people’s personal business. However, if those we care about bring us their relationship woes, we must be prepared to do more than just listen. Often times people are purposeful in who they approach with matters of the heart. If any of us are chosen to receive such delicate information it is because we are valued to the person sharing. They either know the secret is safe with us or that we will provide the type of guidance they are seeking.
It’s easy to lend that listening ear as well as that shoulder for our loved ones and friends. In addition to listening, what if we also took action? Once we know they are in a sensitive place, we could check on them more frequently and ask how we can support them. Inviting the couple out to be around other healthy couples or a simple phone call with an encouraging word both have a powerful impact.
Keep in mind that honesty is always the best policy. We should avoid telling a person only what they want to hear. If it’s clear they could’ve done something better or if they contributed greatly to the relationship’s challenges, tell them. True friendship is about telling the truth no matter what.
Remembering when to step back is fundamental. Occasionally that individual needs time to sort through the struggle. Being too overbearing and forcing those to make decisions they aren’t ready to make could actually backfire.
Additionally, we must listen between the lines. If we observe the body language and what isn’t being said, we are better able to uncover the real obstacle. Especially if it is a best friend or a close family member, we tend to know them well enough to know what they’re saying, even if it hasn’t been said directly.
Something else equally important is not attacking their spouse. They are already having challenges with their partner; anyone else pumping them up on a negative high does more harm than good.
If we can help it, let’s not take sides. If it’s not a case of domestic abuse or total disrespect, remaining neutral is essential. Our ultimate goal is for the good of the whole family.
Lastly, we should stay solution-focused. It is one thing to listen to someone complain about all that isn’t working in their marriage, but what if the people they complained to challenged them to come up with a solution? Asking questions like “how can you make that better” or “how can you turn that situation around” and even “what can you contribute to the marriage that might improve it overall” all make a huge difference.
Of course we could always, like I mentioned earlier, mind our own business. But if we have any positive influence and the marriage and family are worth saving, I challenge all of us to take a small step further. Be that friend and family member that goes the extra mile to motivate, encourage and remind other couples of the value of their marriage.
BMWK, what do you do when a couple you know is in trouble?