Typically, our first reaction to a couple in trouble is to mind our own business. Some of us think that it’s that couple’s problem and hopefully and prayerfully the situation will work itself out. But today, with such a high divorce rate, our marriages need as much support as they can receive. So instead of minding our own business, when given the opportunity, let’s challenge as well as encourage our married friends and family to take actions toward saving their marriage. Are we our brother’s keeper? In our community and for the sake of the health of our families, we very well should be.
Allow me to be clear, I am not by any means recommending we seek out, inquire about or try to uncover people’s personal business. However, if those we care about bring us their relationship woes, we must be prepared to do more than just listen. Often times people are purposeful in who they approach with matters of the heart. If any of us are chosen to receive such delicate information it is because we are valued to the person sharing. They either know the secret is safe with us or that we will provide the type of guidance they are seeking.
It’s easy to lend that listening ear as well as that shoulder for our loved ones and friends. In addition to listening, what if we also took action? Once we know they are in a sensitive place, we could check on them more frequently and ask how we can support them. Inviting the couple out to be around other healthy couples or a simple phone call with an encouraging word both have a powerful impact.
Keep in mind that honesty is always the best policy. We should avoid telling a person only what they want to hear. If it’s clear they could’ve done something better or if they contributed greatly to the relationship’s challenges, tell them. True friendship is about telling the truth no matter what.
Remembering when to step back is fundamental. Occasionally that individual needs time to sort through the struggle. Being too overbearing and forcing those to make decisions they aren’t ready to make could actually backfire.
Additionally, we must listen between the lines. If we observe the body language and what isn’t being said, we are better able to uncover the real obstacle. Especially if it is a best friend or a close family member, we tend to know them well enough to know what they’re saying, even if it hasn’t been said directly.
Something else equally important is not attacking their spouse. They are already having challenges with their partner; anyone else pumping them up on a negative high does more harm than good.
If we can help it, let’s not take sides. If it’s not a case of domestic abuse or total disrespect, remaining neutral is essential. Our ultimate goal is for the good of the whole family.
Lastly, we should stay solution-focused. It is one thing to listen to someone complain about all that isn’t working in their marriage, but what if the people they complained to challenged them to come up with a solution? Asking questions like “how can you make that better” or “how can you turn that situation around” and even “what can you contribute to the marriage that might improve it overall” all make a huge difference.
Of course we could always, like I mentioned earlier, mind our own business. But if we have any positive influence and the marriage and family are worth saving, I challenge all of us to take a small step further. Be that friend and family member that goes the extra mile to motivate, encourage and remind other couples of the value of their marriage.
BMWK, what do you do when a couple you know is in trouble?
Yana says
I stay out of it honestly. A marriage is between two people and God. Unless you have both parties present and both sides of the story, offering advice is not a good idea in my opinion. When relaying relationship problems most people tend to give a one sided point of view that puts them in the light of being right, so there really is no way of advising a one sided story. Besides, I’m one of those people who is adament about keeping folks out of my relationship. Everyone does not have your best interest at heart, even if they do have a smile on their face and claims of you and yours being in their prayers. I say take whatever problems you are having to God first and if that doesn’t suffice, take it to a trained professional or your pastor.
Tiya says
Yana, I agree to some of what you said, in particular getting one side of the story if both partners aren’t present. That’s why part of my suggestion is remaining neutral and supporting the whole family, not just the part that may happen to be your friend or loved one. And that marriage is between those two people and GOD. And occassionally God will use others to inspire, motivate and minister to a couple in trouble and if we are who God chose to use, we have to act.
Niambi says
Thank you for this post! I think when it comes to seeking advice, I would go to my pastor, an elder in my church or even a married couple who have experience in the things that you are dealing with and ask them how they made it through.
Niambi says
I just wanted to add that from a spiritual standpoint, the enemy wants marriages to fail because his objective is to steal, kill and destroy. Staying silent doesn’t help anyone. If you need help in your marriage then get the help you need. If we were in trouble in any other way wouldn’t we seek help so why is this situation any different? I would add as a suggestion that you pray and seek God and if you don’t know who to go to then ask the Lord to lead you and he will guide you on what to do in your situation or who to talk to.
Tiya says
Niambi, great advice “seek God on who to go to”.
Yonnie says
I love this article. Several years ago, I attended the Hindu wedding of a friend of mine. As part of the ceremony, both the bride and groom had selected someone to serve the very role that you describe in the article. They selected the groom’s older brother and his sister to serve as their marriage coaches and cheerleaders. They came up during the ceremony and took “vows” (so to speak) of their own. I loved that idea and whenever I get married, I definitely plan to incorporate that into my ceremony.
Tiya says
Yonnie,
I love this ritual. And I think you just gave me new topic for my next article.
Thanks!
jack girl says
Firstly when giving advice you should stay neutral and offer advice to suit all parties involved. Additionally you must know your limitations, and refer them to a pastor/ counsellor and pray for/ with them. SO i agree dont stay silent and sya its not my business marrige and family is the cornerstone of our society, broken homes lead to a broken society eventually hence the reason i agree.