By Edward Lee
Have you ever had the experience where all is well, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, she loves you, you love her, everyone is goo goo eyes – then BLAM (yes, like the old Batman show) you are in a heated argument?
I need to know BMWK, where do arguments come from? As you have probably guessed I am writing from recent familiarity. We were fully dressed, coats on, ready to walk out the door to spend some time together – then faster than I could finish buttoning my coat, we weren’t going anywhere.
Details aren’t needed, and now a few weeks removed from the “fire” I can say it was really not that big of deal. But I have a hunch that our experience is not an isolated one. Perhaps, arguments are at least an occasional visitor to some other marriages too? So then, where do our arguments come from? Where does all the anger and venom for someone that we also love at the same time, come from?
Honestly, I don’t know that anyone can give a definitive all encompassing answer to these questions, for each relationship is shaped by different dynamics. However, there is one thing that my vast personal experience with relationship arguments has taught me (LOL), it is that the source of the blowup typically has little if anything to do with the present set of circumstances.
For example, if my wife and I are arguing about why I always leave a nice neat stack of papers on the table, it is probably a good bet that the real issue is somewhere related but yet far removed from unopened mail and whether there is a better place for what I deem to be very important papers. A better guess would be that it has more to do with what has been modeled in our lives as children, in other relationships and our past encounters with personal space and stuff. Maybe that we both have a certain set of expectations that are not being met. I don’t know, but I know it has nothing really to do with what we are “going off” about.
So I came across a little exercise called Sharing Withholds, in the book Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry from best selling author’s and conference speakers, Les and Leslie Parrott. The premise of the exercise is to minimize arguments by dealing with what bothers us before they begin to pile up, we misplace our irritation and then find ourselves arguing about some silly thing like, “Who put the cap on the juice so tight?” The idea is that that things we brush aside, bite our tongue about, and just don’t want to talk about, are the very things that come rushing to the forefront in times of conflict.
So here is how you Share Withholds and Minimize Being Blindsided by Arguments
- Write down three things that have occurred in the last week (they say 24 hours – but I usually go back a week to have enough to talk about), that you did not share with your spouse. Two positives and one negative. An example of the positives could be: Thank you for putting my dish in the dishwasher when I left it in the sink last week. Or, thanks for calling me yesterday to tell me you were going to be late for dinner. An example of a negative could be, I did not like that you did not call me to let me know you were working late. Or, I don’t like when you talk about me to your friends and family.
- Share the three items in this order: Positive, Negative, Positive.
- Ok here is where it gets fun. Whatever is said positive or negative the only response that can be given is, “Thank You.” Whether you agree or not is irrelevant – at this point, just say Thank You. It is easy to accept the positive things directed about us but it is a little strange to thank someone for saying something negative about you. However, you are simply thanking them for sharing information with you whether it is positive or negative thank them for letting you know.
- And the real kicker. Whatever the negative item is that the other person shares with you, you can not talk about it for 30 minutes. Get a good stopwatch, LOL.
So now, alternate, sharing with each other and remember you are exchanging things that you either neglected to share or forgot about. The entire purpose is to share points of thankfulness and annoyance in peaceful times. You may find it incredibly valuable to share something positive with your spouse and let them know that you are not taking them for granted. Sometimes life just gets so busy, but just by taking a few minutes to reflect and share may be a reminder of all of the little unmentioned things you have to be grateful for.
On the flip side, no one wants to hear negative things about them. But…isn’t is better to hear them over a cup of coffee or while going for a walk rather when they are attached to 15 other small things or used to score a point in an argument? So say, “Thank You” even for the negative things shared about you, because now you have an opportunity to talk and address them in peaceful times. Of course there will still be conflicts from time to time, but maybe by preemptively sharing expressions of love and annoyance you can lessen the frequency and intensity of your arguments.
So tell me BMWK, what are the source of your arguments? Is the issue raised, typically not the real issue at all? Is there any value to sharing your points of annoyance with your spouse, or vice versa, before it turns into an argument?
Edward is an Ordained Minister, Bible College Professor, Pastoral Marriage Counselor, and Author of two first of their kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and his new book, Husbands, Wives, God – Weekly Devotions: 52 Weeks of Relationship Enriching Devotions. To learn more about Edward on Facebook at Husbands, Wives, God or on his blog at elevateyourmarriage.com