Recently I read headlines about a Brooklyn, NY teacher being fined $10,000 by New York City’s Department of Education for encouraging a third grade student in her classroom to hit his bully back. The 13-year veteran teacher denies the allegations, saying that the boy misunderstood what she was trying to say. Of course, as a parent, I have to wonder what really went down in that classroom.
Lately the issue of bullying has been on my mind. My children are very young, but recently I noticed that a young boy in my son’s preschool class seems to be rather aggressive. I took my son to two birthday parties one weekend and at each party this child did something to my son that I was not okay with. I spoke to my son about it and that Monday I also had a conversation with his teacher. She explained that the boy in question is pretty aggressive with all the kids in the class and it’s something they watch very carefully. I was satisfied with the way my conversation with her went, but it left me wondering about what lies ahead.
I am not a violent person. I never have been. I grew up in Brooklyn, New York, attended public schools, and I have never been in a fight my entire life. Now, I have been ready to fight, but thankfully I have always been able to keep my hands to myself and resolve issues with my words.
As parents, my husband and I want to raise children who are kind and gentle. I want my kids to see the best in people, treat others with respect, and stand up for what’s right. With that said, we also plan to teach them to hit back if they’ve been hit. Now, I didn’t advise my 3-year-old to do this because he is so young. Two of his former teachers even refer to him as the gentle giant because he was one of the bigger kids in his class, but so gentle. Instead, I told him to tell the kid, in a really loud voice, not to hit him because it’s not okay, and then to go and tell the teacher. I also told him to do the same thing if that kid hits another kid in the class. But, there will come a day where we will tell him that if he tries to talk to a peer to handle a conflict with words but his peer decides to hit him – well, he should hit the kid back. Same goes for our daughter.
It’s unfortunate but when a kid lets another kid hit him, and it happens repeatedly, turning the other cheek simply sends a message to all the other kids that picking on this kid is okay because he won’t do anything. That is often how bullying begins. I don’t want my kids hitting people. I want them to use their words. If I managed to grow up in the inner-city without ever ending up in a fist-fight, surely I would like the same for my kids growing up in suburbia. However, I want my children to have the confidence and courage to defend themselves when necessary. No one has the right to just beat up on them. I’m not sure what really happened in this classroom in Brooklyn, but I sure hope this teacher didn’t have a kid stand up in front of her class so another kid could hit him back. Talk about a teachable moment gone wrong.
My hope is that words will work. My hope is that my kids can avoid ever hitting anyone, for any reason. Yet, I know the reality of the world we live in. I know that people might mess with them because their kindness will be mistaken for weakness. And, if and when that day comes, I am letting everyone know that my kids will fight back.
BMWK Family, what are you teaching your children when it comes to dealing with bullies? Do you ever teach your kids that it is ok to fight back?