It can be hard to find balance in our lives. When you have a career, a spouse, and maybe even kids, giving everything and everyone what they need is tough. It often leaves us feeling discouraged and wondering how we will ever make things work without letting someone down.
And then there is this whole notion of priorities. Of course, having a list of priorities is incredibly important, because without that list many of us would be all over the place (I know I would be). The one problem I often find with the list of priorities is people sometimes neglect to make the right things and people a priority.
If you ask most parents what some of their top priorities are, they will quickly mention their children. I know my kids are a major priority in my life. But some of us (mostly women), tend to not just make our kids a priority, but we also make our marriages and our careers a priority as well. There is nothing inherently wrong with that… except for one thing; we are often missing from the list.
Determined to create a happy union and be a wonderful mom, women often fail to realize that they need to put themselves before everything else in their lives (except for their faith). Yes, they should even come before their marriage. If you disagree, let me explain why I think this is critical.
You have personal needs. Some of them are spiritual, while others may be mental, physical, or emotional. I understand that the right spouse can meet many of those needs for you, and that is great. However, you should be able to assess what needs cannot be met by your spouse (the best spouse on earth cannot meet them all), and you should make it your business to meet those needs on your own.
As a woman you can’t neglect your health, leaving yourself feeling overweight and tired, and then think your spouse’s job is to tell you that you’re beautiful daily to boost your self-esteem. You should be boosting your self-esteem on your own. You also can’t run yourself into the ground, working day and night to make things right for your family, without realizing that you will burnout because you failed to put yourself on the list of priorities.
Marriage is a sacred union and not something that should be entered lightly. I get that because I take my own wedding vows very seriously. That said, I also know that if I don’t put in the work to make things right in my world first, I will be engaging with my spouse in a way that gives too little while expecting too much. I will be looking to him to fulfill needs that he really shouldn’t have to fulfill. I will be turning to him to make things right in my world, when I have the power to make those things right on my own.
I love my husband and I do need him. I have no problem admitting that. But loving and needing him doesn’t mean I should neglect who I am and what is necessary to make me my best, all in some misguided effort to please him and make our marriage stand the test of time.
And no, I don’t think any of this is about selfishness. For me, it doesn’t mean that my spouse’s needs don’t matter, or that I won’t make sacrifices to make our marriage work. Rather, it means that in order for me to meet his needs and sacrifice when necessary, I have to be at my best spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. And although my husband contributes to me being my best, he can only do so if I am able to acknowledge that I have to be willing to do the same—always.
BMWK: Women, how do you put yourself first?