When I was growing up, I lived in a neighborhood where single moms ruled. The majority of my childhood friends and I had that in common. However, we didn’t miss a beat. It never seemed to matter to us that there weren’t very many two-parent households. I would say that image played a major role in the future relationships we would create.
Some of us carried into our adult lives certain behaviors and ways of thinking. For me, I felt as though men were obsolete. It would be nice to have one, but I didn’t need a husband to raise a family, again, so I thought. I began the early phases of my marriage with this attitude. I was nonchalant, didn’t communicate well and struggled to manage any conflict that surfaced in my marriage. I could be in shutdown mode for days. Of course I loved my husband, but my actions could’ve been perceived as otherwise. My independent thinking, feeling like I didn’t need him, or that I could easily raise our child on my own, was detrimental to my relationship and me.
Most of us pride ourselves on our independence. We love the sense of power that comes along with being independent. By the way, It’s defined as freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others. As adults it may feel satisfying not having anyone to answer to. Being able to do exactly what makes you feel good, anytime you want, without considering anyone else, is true power, right? Spending your money how you see fit, without hesitation or having to think about the future or another person, while not asking anyone for anything is real living, correct? Not requiring a partner to help you make certain decisions or only relying on self, is pretty sexy isn’t it? Not so fast.
There’s no crime in being independent, in fact you should be. However, if your spouse begins to feel disposable or unwanted, what benefit is there for them to stay in the relationship?
I’ve seen far too many couples struggle with properly blending their lives together. So many of us are use to fulfilling our own needs and not expecting nor trusting someone else to care for us correctly. We create these negative scenarios in our minds of being hurt if we sacrifice just a little bit of our desire to do it all on our own. Most couples aren’t really sure what it means to need and support one another. In love, it’s important that we allow our spouses to play an active role in our lives. It isn’t healthy to be so independent that our mates question what they mean to us.
My early thinking in my marriage was harmful to me and my family. I was finally able to recognize that while I didn’t need a man, I did want one, and a really great one, which I have in my husband. Because I desire a healthy relationship, it is a must that my husband feels needed, appreciated and wanted, consistently. I also want my husband to want, appreciate and rely on me for certain things as well. I don’t need him for validation, to rule over me or control me. I do look to him to love, support and share this journey with me.
A partnership is about two people relying on one another to accomplish the goals of the relationship. Each partner needs to frequently know how much they are desired by the other. Too much independence, acting as though we don’t need our spouses, can be a turnoff and send them running in the opposite direction.
BMWK, what are your thoughts, can there be too much independence in a marriage?