“Why won’t he commit?” or “Why are men afraid of commitment?” There are any number of variations of the same question asked by disenfranchised women just looking for answers as to why the men that they love will not commit to them.
There seem to be more excuses than there are reasons. Men have their reasons. Here, we look beyond the surface to find some answers.
Man Time-shares
A timeshare is a great option for vacation accommodations especially when you’re allowed the use of a friend or family member’s property. You get a nice place to stay for free while you’re on vacation. However, timeshares are terrible when the “real estate” is a man and another woman has “first lien position.”
See, a gut-feeling tells you that something is wrong. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you know something isn’t right about him.
As much as I would like to give an endorsement for premonitions, there is very little need to rely on gut feelings when you have an overwhelming preponderance of evidence to support the fact that he’s cheating on you.
You can’t un-know what you already know. You can choose to ignore it at your own discretion.
He won’t commit to you because he’s committed to someone else. Truthfully, he’s only committed to satisfying his own desires at the expense of whomever it takes to get what he wants.
The fear of scarcity stemming from the notion of a shortage of good men, whether real or imagined, is no reason for any woman to bargain for a piece of a man under the guise that a “piece of a man is better than no man at all.”
Fear Rules
What does fear look like for a man? Often, when we hear “fear of commitment,” the thought is that men fear commitment itself. That’s a misunderstanding. Men make commitments all the time.
Men commit to their occupations, hobbies, fitness regimens, ambitions, and a host of other things running the gamut from past times to purpose-driven pursuits. The real question is what inhibitions does a man have that cause his reluctance to commit? It’s probably not what you might think.
Big Boys Don’t Cry
“Boys that don’t cry grow into men that don’t know how to express their emotions.” Here’s what they would tell you if given the opportunity and the courage to be emotionally vulnerable. Most men have tried to open up emotionally to the women they love.
The response many receive causes them to retreat, sometimes never to try again. Most women never have a clue that’s what he’s doing or any inkling of how vulnerable he is. Her response can hurt him in ways that other men could not.
See, a gut-feeling tells you that something is wrong. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you know something isn’t right about him.
Men respond differently to other men just as women respond differently to other women. The same culture that doesn’t prepare him to express his feelings also leaves her ill-prepared to respond when he shows what some men may fear are considered to be “chinks in their armor.”
No man wants to appear weak in the face of the woman he wants to protect. The culture does not allow strong men to show any signs of weakness. It only celebrates the behaviors of weak men as though their antics represent true strength.
“A weak man lies, cheats, and manipulates a woman’s feelings with promise after promise to continue to reap whatever benefits he derives from the relationship.”
His behavior is considered by many to be normal for a man. This creates a problem for the “good man.” When he comes along with a different set of values and corresponding behaviors, he is placed on probation and under scrutiny for not conforming to the popular views of what is expected of men. He gives a woman no reason to believe he is not the man he has proven himself to be.
Lack of Trust
There can be no real commitment where there is no trust. The woman must trust the man to be who she sees him to be and he must trust that he can be vulnerable in a culture where vulnerability usually comes at a premium for men.
Commitment is a big word with many moving parts that only comes together in perfect harmony when both man and woman feel supported and give each other what they both need.
BMWK, what are some other reasons a man may not commit?