Anita Baker once sang:
My story ends, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise – no fairy tales
She sings about the fairy tales her mother used to share about royal kisses, magic spells and princes who slay dragons. She discovers the reality, as many of us do, realizing that love and that so-called knight in shining armor cannot alone make your fairy tale life come true.
As my husband Chris and I, celebrate 10 years of marriage next Thursday, I can tell you our marriage has been far from a fairy tale. Like most marriages, we have had our challenges. Our marriage mirrors that of a roller coaster. Lord knows we have had happy highs and lonely lows in our 16-year romance; we’ve felt every emotion possible, including anger, disappointment, fear and frustration. “For better or worse” can be bitter sweet!
But I can tell you this, our experience is shaping up to be far sweeter. Glory! When you see those ‘mature” 50+ year couples, holding hands and laughing over coffee, you’re likely envisioning their romance was some grand storybook romance. But those inspiring couples have likely weathered the bitter marital storms, and they can now enjoy a marriage as sweet as sugar.
Nearly every marital couple will experience unpleasant periods in their marriage. If you stay married long enough, you will likely experience them too. Our Pastor Steven Furtick has taught us it’s all about having and gaining the proper perspective. Happiness is based on circumstances. And we rarely have complete control over these circumstances. Because of that, pursuing happiness simply means consistently investigating our environments to determine if they actually make us happy. In most cases when we start doing so, we find all the reasons and/or excuses why our circumstances don’t quite measure up in truly making us “happy.”
Happiness is not a circumstance to wait for. Happiness is being satisfied with the person you are and becoming, where you are in life and where you are headed both personally and professionally. It is NOT about anyone else and does not require anyone else’s approval, validation or permission. Happiness is one of the few things in life you have complete control over. Promoting happiness can be hard work but rewarding work that no one else can do for you, not even your husband.
According to the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, there has been a 5 percent drop in people who reported being very happy in their marriages. So the question remains…why are we unhappy? There are a multitude of explanations, but I believe a major factor is society’s widespread belief in marital fairy tales, which pump us full of false beliefs about happiness.
- Fairy-tale #1 – I NEED a man to be happy.
What a crock of you know what! However, most of us believe this and take this to heart sadly enough. We are pretty much made to believe that if someone takes interest and thinks we’re special and wants to be with us, then this needs to be taken to the next level. NOT! Don’t misunderstand me; a relationship with the RIGHT man is a desirable and pleasing experience worth the time and effort. On the other hand, if you are spending the majority of your time seeking out a man to fill an empty heart, you are asking for heartbreak and heartache that is sure to disappoint. - Fairy-tale #2 – Once I’m married, life will be perfect.
Society tells us that two heads and hearts are better than one. So marriage is the key to all your problems, right? Don’t believe the lie! Shall I let you in on a little secret? Your husband (or future husband) is not a Fairy God-Father! He is incapable of waving some magic wand removing all life’s problems for you. Oh and by the way, a wedding is just that; it’s just an event. Sooner or later you’ll arrive “home” (metaphorically speaking) from the honeymoon, and reality quickly sets in.
Want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! (In my Jack Nicholson voice) Okay, I’m just kidding, LOL. However, the truth of the matter is there is no man—no matter how picture-perfect your prince charming may appear—who can make you happy all on his own. Happiness is individual based. How you see yourself, the kinds of people you allow into your inner circle, the way you see yourself both personally and professionally in the world – all of those things will influence your happiness in a way that no man ever could. GOOD NEWS! You don’t have to wait for any man; you can start working toward being happier right now.
Want to find your happiness? You need to start here FIRST!
BMWK, did you believe marriage would be a fairy tale come true? Was it?