By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
There’s “no flirting” in marriage, unless of course, you are flirting with your spouse. A recent heated conversation revealed to me that there are people who really believe that no harm can come from flirting with someone other than their spouse or significant other. But on the contrary, harmless flirting can lead to a road of destruction for your relationship. There were men in a recent conversation I was having, who were in committed relationships that argued flirting is just what they do. And their woman/wife/girlfriend should stop being so jealous and get over it. They went even further to say their flirtatious behavior will never lead to anything because they are still in control. A smile here, a compliment there, followed by an occasional hug and BAM the situation has turned into something else. A couple of the guys admitted to flirting in the presence of their women, which, as you guessed it, lead to trouble, trouble and more trouble. I do get the fact, that it is flattering to get compliments from others, but we simply say thank you and keep it moving. People, who have crossed the line, all had to begin somewhere. Where exactly is that somewhere, yes, it is harmless flirting. By it being harmless, the thought is that it won’t go any further and no one will get harmed. How do we know what the other person is thinking and feeling in this flirt relationship. Is there a conversation had or an agreement put into place that states, “You know this is not going to materialize into anything, right? I am just having fun, and neither you nor I will be harmed”. I highly doubt it. Here are a few of the harms that result from flirting:
Flirting makes your relationship appear vulnerable. Both making and accepting advances from someone else are included. Laughing and smiling at inappropriate comments and suggestions encourages the behavior. When done with a co-worker or person seen often, flirting can make them feel as though your home isn’t stable. We have to ask if this is the message we want to send.
Flirting creates fantasies that may cause a certain curiosity. It is easier to act on those fantasies, if the other person is easily accessible.
Flirting usually stems from some type of attraction. People don’t normally hit on just anyone. There is some sort of draw to that particular person, which can be very dangerous.
Flirting is disloyal. Although it was mentioned earlier in this article that a few of the guys were in front of their partners, for the most part, it is done when the partner isn’t around. Whenever you are participating in actions you would not take part in when your spouse is around, you are being disloyal.
If you are in a committed relationship, especially a marriage, being constantly aware of the messages sent out about your relationship is important. Giving someone the impression that you are possibly available or even open, when you are not is misleading. Now what is really “harmless” about flirting when you are married?
BMWK, is there really such a thing as harmless flirting?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.