By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
There’s “no flirting” in marriage, unless of course, you are flirting with your spouse. A recent heated conversation revealed to me that there are people who really believe that no harm can come from flirting with someone other than their spouse or significant other. But on the contrary, harmless flirting can lead to a road of destruction for your relationship. There were men in a recent conversation I was having, who were in committed relationships that argued flirting is just what they do. And their woman/wife/girlfriend should stop being so jealous and get over it. They went even further to say their flirtatious behavior will never lead to anything because they are still in control. A smile here, a compliment there, followed by an occasional hug and BAM the situation has turned into something else. A couple of the guys admitted to flirting in the presence of their women, which, as you guessed it, lead to trouble, trouble and more trouble. I do get the fact, that it is flattering to get compliments from others, but we simply say thank you and keep it moving. People, who have crossed the line, all had to begin somewhere. Where exactly is that somewhere, yes, it is harmless flirting. By it being harmless, the thought is that it won’t go any further and no one will get harmed. How do we know what the other person is thinking and feeling in this flirt relationship. Is there a conversation had or an agreement put into place that states, “You know this is not going to materialize into anything, right? I am just having fun, and neither you nor I will be harmed”. I highly doubt it. Here are a few of the harms that result from flirting:
Flirting makes your relationship appear vulnerable. Both making and accepting advances from someone else are included. Laughing and smiling at inappropriate comments and suggestions encourages the behavior. When done with a co-worker or person seen often, flirting can make them feel as though your home isn’t stable. We have to ask if this is the message we want to send.
Flirting creates fantasies that may cause a certain curiosity. It is easier to act on those fantasies, if the other person is easily accessible.
Flirting usually stems from some type of attraction. People don’t normally hit on just anyone. There is some sort of draw to that particular person, which can be very dangerous.
Flirting is disloyal. Although it was mentioned earlier in this article that a few of the guys were in front of their partners, for the most part, it is done when the partner isn’t around. Whenever you are participating in actions you would not take part in when your spouse is around, you are being disloyal.
If you are in a committed relationship, especially a marriage, being constantly aware of the messages sent out about your relationship is important. Giving someone the impression that you are possibly available or even open, when you are not is misleading. Now what is really “harmless” about flirting when you are married?
BMWK, is there really such a thing as harmless flirting?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
reefinyateef says
No such thing. At the very least it’s disrespectful. Being charismatic and/or likable is a unique personality trait, but bing flirtatious is not and should not happen!
Bobbie says
I agree, it is extremely disrespectful!
TER says
I think flirting can be harmless…if that’s all it is. But an empty flirt is rare. I believe flirting is riddled with attention seeking (by the flirter) or accepted willingly (by the flirtee) because something isn’t right in a relationship. I believe people are more susceptible to the natural progression of flirting which leads to a chain of relationship woes….which is why it should be outlawed. It does send mixed messages and it does promote the appearance of an unstable relationship. The best course of action is not to do it. Great article!
DIVAStyleCoach says
LOVE this article – married couples need to understand that harmless flirting cannot be defined by the flirter (or the flirtee, if that person is not your spouse / significant other) – harmless is in the eyes of your partner – and I’m willing to be that NO flirting is seen as harmless by most spouses. Yes, I agree with the other posters – it can open the door to more contact, more inappropriate verbal expression, and just maybe lead into an affair (or just a booty call).
If you feel the need to flirt, flirt with your SPOUSE! Rediscover what it was that you liked about them and how you wanted to flirt, tease and tantalize in the beginning of your relationship.
If someone flirts with YOU, the proper way to handle it is to tell them you are not open for that – if you feel inclined, thank them for the compliment of finding you attractive enough to flirt with, but CUT THAT MESS OFF FROM JUMP! If they continue, then do what my mama used to tell me – Get loud and ignorant and tell them to take their unwanted attentions elsewhere.
DIVAStyleCoach says
LOVE this article – married couples need to understand that harmless flirting cannot be defined by the flirter (or the flirtee, if that person is not your spouse / significant other) – harmless is in the eyes of your partner – and I’m willing to be that NO flirting is seen as harmless by most spouses. Yes, I agree with the other posters – it can open the door to more contact, more inappropriate verbal expression, and just maybe lead into an affair (or just a booty call).
If you feel the need to flirt, flirt with your SPOUSE! Rediscover what it was that you liked about them and how you wanted to flirt, tease and tantalize in the beginning of your relationship.
If someone flirts with YOU, the proper way to handle it is to tell them you are not open for that – if you feel inclined, thank them for the compliment of finding you attractive enough to flirt with, but CUT THAT MESS OFF FROM JUMP! If they continue, then do what my mama used to tell me – Get loud and ignorant and tell them to take their unwanted attentions elsewhere.
Drummer40_0 says
It’s flat out wrong when married you flirt with your spouse keep the fire going!!!
Sumtertk says
Well said DivaStyleCoach!
Sumtertk says
Thanks TER!
Juanita Davis03 says
I agree. It is an act of infidelity. However, (what I am about to say in no way justifies flirting) some relationships or better yet marriages are vulnerable to the attention or “flattering comments” from someone other than their spouse specifically b/c one or both don’t give their companions attention. Thus he/she becomes vulnerable to the attention of others. A man should not compliment another woman MORE than he compliments his own wife. A woman should not get more compliments from a stranger than she does from the man she lays next to every night. On the contrary, a man should not feel more appreciated by some “other” woman than he does from his wife. There has to be a balance, and in most relationships there is an emotional imbalance.
Tiya says
Juanita, I totally agree with your comments.
Xavier Husband says
Well according to the dictionary flirt means the following:
verb (used without object)
1.
to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions; play at love; coquet.
2.
to trifle or toy, as with an idea: She flirted with the notion of buying a sports car.
If you notice that the word that is associated most with the word flirt is trifle. The other words associated with it, play, toy, act without serious intentions, are also part of the definition as well. No matter if you are flirting or teasing, it is still harmful in its intent, and thus trifling. From what I have seen and experienced flirting or teasing is a passive aggressive indirect invitation for your boundaries to be breached. Flirting also provides you an out if you are rejected, such that you can say to yourself or the other party that you were just playing or flirting, which is also a passive aggressive trait. The reason why flirting/teasing is passive aggressive is because it is unacceptable in western culture to directly solicit sexually or amorously, the exception of course being where prostitution is legal. Therefore flirtation is a safe way to hint around and thus mask true intent, while providing a safety net in case of failure. The failure usually results when the party that is the object of the flirtatiousness is not willing to participate in the suggested, and masked solicitation. However if the object is willing and reciprocates the flirting/teasing, then the odds of it resulting in a tryst is probably very high. The tryst may not happen right away but exchanges of contact information may occur, which will open the pathways to further flirtations which will have a high potential in resulting in a tryst.
I think what is fascinating in all this, and the question that I would ask is what exactly constitutes flirting? Because of the nature of flirting being indirect I think that it is possible that a lot of the behavior of flirting is subjective and sometimes gender driven as well. My wife says that she is being friendly with men, if she stops and talks to them, when I could very well interpret this as being flirtations. The same behavior of being friendly on my behalf may be interpreted by her or the person with whom I am speaking to as being flirtatious. It seems that flirtation can be open to intepreation.
One thing I do take exception to Tiya, your blog makes it sound as if only men flirt. That is completely false, if anything married women flirt just as much as men. Also single women tease married men at a phenomenal rate. This is a people issue not a gender issue.
Great Blog!
“Xâ€
BB says
And another question is . . . would you do it “in the presence of your mate.” Anything done in secret is deception. And if it is done in the presence of your mate —- that’s just plain disrespectful.
Miko Lee says
Great article! I admit that Im guilty of “harmless flirting†that, thankfully, hasnt led to anything. However, I definitely see your points and will refrain from it in the future. Like some of the other commenters stated, the flirter may not mean anything, but who knows what the intentions of the flirtee. And I do believe that we are all vulnerable at any given time, so why even set ourselves up for those situations anyway? Good article.
Just Me says
As a single guy… I’ll know how to approach a woman (real single, relationshipped, married) by how she responds to the comments (flirts). So yeah, I aint that damm funny nor look like Shamar Moore, so you laughing too hard or just being extra says ‘Hey come get me.. cuz dis ova ninja aint doing what he supposed to.”
Not a good look. And honestly, I’m working on knowing what it is.. so I’ll know what to stop when I’m married. Many times I do just think I’m being nice… but seems like I’ll have to not say anything nice to any woman just to be sure. That’s extra.. but worth it.
Just Me says
As a single guy… I’ll know how to approach a woman (real single, relationshipped, married) by how she responds to the comments (flirts). So yeah, I aint that damm funny nor look like Shamar Moore, so you laughing too hard or just being extra says ‘Hey come get me.. cuz dis ova ninja aint doing what he supposed to.”
Not a good look. And honestly, I’m working on knowing what it is.. so I’ll know what to stop when I’m married. Many times I do just think I’m being nice… but seems like I’ll have to not say anything nice to any woman just to be sure. That’s extra.. but worth it.
Lkhintonsr says
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!
Crltnmnly says
I know couples who have been married for years and completely love each other and they do a little harmless innocent flirting but if your spouse or mate is the jealous or insecure type of person it’s going to be a problem but overall being friendly to the opposite sex should never be a problem as long as you know the boundaries of your marriage or relationship because the problems start when people go beyond boundaries not when they stay within them !!!!!!!
bobbie says
I don’t believe jealously or insecurity has anything to do with it. You can be friendly without an open ended thought from the other person that you may be trying to get next to them. I believe flirting is a way to see how far you can go (flirter or flirtee), then that’s when it can escalate. There is a thing called respect in a relationship, especially marriage and I do not remember flirting being in any of the vows. The boundaries are – if you are in a relationship and more particularly marriage (that’s the boundary line). That’s why you have a ring, it means you are “off the market” for anyone else.
Anewinnc says
Thank you Juanita! I couldn’t have said it better! There is definitely a bigger issue going on in the relationship if a spouse feels the need to give or receive the attention that should only be exchanged with their spouse. Flirting is the symptom of a problem that needs attention and resolution before it’s too late.
Dona says
When reading some of the harms you indicated that can come from flirting, then there is not a such thing as “harmless flirting”, especially looking at the definition of Harmless – not causing or incapable of causing harm…
Making suggestive comments or engaging in suggestive – flirtatious behavior can cause conflict or cause harm in a committed relationship and can easily trigger a small situation into a bigger situation – make those comments to your loved one and see how that flirting is definitely not harmful but harmless…
Mosi Kwame Ambilikile says
Good question. Ditto all of that, If you even toy fully bait a hook a fish will bite. Your next rsponse will be, “I didn’t mean for that to happy.” When will people learn that the emotions of the heart is nothing to be played with because somebody will crash and burn.
Peace!
-ingi upendo
Lady says
Making those comments to your loved one and to the person you are committed to is great and continues to stimulate and improve the relationship. It shows appreciation and deep love and concern, it shows attention and build relationship stamina. The couple who engages in it feels a sense that there is always more to enjoy and to look forward too. However, those who are flirting and are not involved in serious relationships miss out on the intimacy and the legitimacy of having someone who is there for the long term. The harmless flirting that is being spoken of here indicates that there are some who are not mature enough to be in a committed relationship and are always looking to fill the void in their lives. Even married people men and women who continue to flirt outside of their matrimonial situation are looking for more not understanding that there is value in searching deeper in what they have already committed to. Then there are those out of their own personal desparation who believe that it is okay to search into other peoples
lives for what another person has that makes them happy with the person they are with.
Basically, flirting with someone outside of a relationship will eventually cause harm and problems. Look at the statistics on marriage and divorce rates among people who have engaged in this behavior, thinking that it was ok!
Bobbie says
Yes! Maturity is another “key” word. It causes harm that sometimes cannot be corrected.
Just Friendly says
Re: “Harmless Flirting”
There’s a thin line between friendliness & flirtatiousness. I’m a friendly, approachable person with a ready smile. I’ve known folks who take a simple smile as flirting. I was raised in a household where my mom was afraid to give eye-contact to another man because her man would “accuse” her of flirting or even more– having a secret affair with the stranger in question. THAT”S CRAZY. Sometimes I attempt to smile & greet couples and the female won’t give eye-contact but her mate quickly slips a nod– they both act as if I’m trying to take him to bed. Good Grief people… ease up! There’s too much insecurity. If you’re that concerned that someone’s after your mate, maybe your relationship is in jeopardy anyway. My husband & I are secure in our relationship and both agree it’s normal to acknowledge that someone else may be attractive. We’re not swingers or anything we’re just comfortable with ourselves. We also flirt with each other all the time as well as joke each other when we’re looking “wrong”. I had a driver flirt with me thru the car window in traffic. It was a silly com-mon that I later shared w/my husband and we both laughed about it. I chuckled and thought….. damn, I must be an awful good looking 57 year old. LOL
Fredahm10 says
Your relationship sound like a healthy relationship. I agree totally with your comment. It’s about the security that you have in your relationship.
Juanita Davis03 says
I totally disagree. Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man. The scripture pointedly says, “Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood, but who can stand before jealousy?” Proverbs 27:4 Jealousy is a natural human emotion. I don’t care how secure a person thinks they are in themselves or in their marriage, everyone gets jealous–it’s a common struggle. This is a common lie we tell ourselves. Indeed, there is a difference between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is legitimate; its based upon love. It sparks when someone you love, who belongs to you turns his or her heart away and replaces you with someone else. Envy on the other hand is rooted in selfishness.
Just because someone is married does not mean you are blind. You or your spouse may run into someone whom you may feel is attractive. However, that does not give either of you the right to go and “harmlessly flirt”. The scripture also says not to give room to the devil, and flirting does just that. How do we know what the boundaries are if our boundaries are different. Thus, where do you draw the line? I don’t believe anyone has yet mastered self-control, we are all yet striving. Thus, why do we continue to put ourselves in situations that will eventually lead to cheating–indeed, flirting eventually will. Many times we flirt with someone we are attracted to, therefore it can lead to something more than just that. The problem isn’t about being insecure, the problem is that we don’t destroy things at its root to avoid future issues. From eyes to heart to action–that’s the progression. The body only follows once the heart creates a path. Lust always breeds more lust and once our eyes are captured by curiosity, our hearts become entangled. This topic is really deeper than want we think it is. All I can say is beware of parasites…
bobbie says
Very well said!!!!! Thank you!
Juanita Davis03 says
Wow, you made a great point! Flirting, indeed, is the symptom of a problem!
Xavier Husband says
Just Friendly – Thanks for bringing this up as I think this is a part of this conversation that really cannot be overlooked. What constitutes flirting in a real world application? Is it making eye contact with someone? Is it smiling and saying hello to someone? Is it polite conversation? Is it commenting on someones appearance? Can you compliment someone without being flirting? Is flirting laughing with someone of the opposite sex, or joking with someone? In that vein is flirting when the jokes are sexual in nature, or just regular jokes? Is flirting telling someone what you think about them? And if so is that limited to only sexual or aesthetics? If I have had a bunch of women notice that I have lost weight and look better is that flirting? If I say that to a woman instead is that flirting? Is it how you say something? And if so, in what way?
I have heard time and again that women are a lot of times just being nice but men interpret that as being flirtatious , but I have also seen if a man is being friendly to a woman, HIS woman thinks that he is flirting. Would anybody be interested in giving me examples of what is specifically flirting and what isnt, because it seems to me, that unless it is very obvious, where it is almost to the point of being a direct solicitation, it is going to be almost completely subjective. Thanks for the comment!
“Xâ€
Bobbie says
You KNOW when you are FLIRTING and you KNOW when you are being FRIENDLY!!!! LET’S BE REAL!
Funkidivagirl says
NO FLIRTING ALLOWED! It’s not harmless at all!
Candice Payne says
This articles was EXCELLENT!!!! I’m like really late but I just wanted to add that…LOL
Tamara Adams says
This article is timely for me. I recently engaged in what I considered some harmless flirting and nearly lost the love of my life! I didn’t think about how it was perceived by my man, the other guy or others. This makes a major statement about my relationship which I want to be solid and last forever. Flirting is not harmless! It hurts your partner, diminishes the trust, and honestly makes you look loose. Think twice when you flash that smile or wink at another!
bobbie says
Thank you Tamara. Yes it can cause you to lose the love of your life!!!! It hurts, diminishes the relationship and think about it like this —– CAN YOU INTRODUCE THE PERSON YOU ARE FLIRTING WITH TO YOUR MATE????
Fredahm10 says
The author appears to be extremely insecure and much too worried/concerned about appearances and what other people think. If you and spouse know what you have together, damn what someone else thinks. if you are flirtatious person, who enjoys making others feel good by giving honest compliments, I say, “spread the joy”. If you are jealous spouse who feels short-changed when your partner finds something attractive about another person, I say, “get over yourself”.
Bobbie says
Respect and Trust are the easiest things to lose and the hardest to regain!