It’s one of the most challenging things to deal with in relationship coaching. When you have clients who continue to have the exact same issues over and over again in their relationships. Often, I find these issues continuously reoccur because of deeper issues in the couple’s or individual’s personal development. And through the years, a few things have stood out to me.
Here are three major reasons why you have and will always have the same drama arising in your relationship time and time again.
Insecurity
Nothing is as challenging to a relationship as one person who comes into the relationship with a lot of insecurity. Insecurity comes in many forms. It could be checking your partner’s cell phone every chance you get or being overbearing with the bank account. Most of the time, the issue doesn’t lie with the other partner, it lies within the individual’s insecurity. If there was a breach of trust (either in several past relationships or earlier in a person’s life), insecurity is going to hang around that person’s neck until they put in the work to get through the insecurity. If you are in a drama-filled relationship, truthfully ask yourself if your insecurities have contributed to any of your arguments or dilemmas. If they have and you desire any hope of making the relationship last, then seek help to remove the causes of insecurity from your life.
Condemnation
Are you giving someone full authority to condemn you any time you don’t live up to their expectations? That’s condemnation. Often, people give in to condemnation and start accepting it as a part of their life. But know you can’t please everyone. What that means in relationships is you can’t unilaterally please your family, your spouse, your friends, your own needs and your relationship with God. You have to make smart decisions and let the disapproval of others run its course. Marriage is a covenant between you, your spouse and God. Anyone’s approval beyond those three is secondary. Many of my clients live with the hope of everyone’s approval in their circle, and it simply doesn’t happen.
The drama often comes when we search for the wrong approval. Making mom and dad or our friends happy when it comes to our relationships is a recipe for disaster. There is no condemnation in covenant, and that’s all that matters. You take power over your life and relationship when you decide the only opinions that matter are the ones that are important. It’s also important to note, keep others out of your relationship’s business, and they won’t have the opportunity to try to spoil what you have with your partner.
Manipulation/Selfishness
If you read any of my articles you know one of my keys to relationship success is selflessness. The opposite of selflessness is selfishness. Selfish people manipulate for their own personal gain. If you are constantly trying to get your way in relationships (and you’re willing to do whatever you have to do to get it), that’s not a balanced relationship. That is simply manipulation and using someone to get to your end goal. Whether it’s playing coy to get a Prada bag or playing mind games with a woman to lead her on, you’re being selfish and manipulative. And most of the time, whether it’s a man or woman, that person will eventually know when they’re being manipulated. They allow it because of some dysfunction or self-esteem issue of their own. But whether you’re the one doing the manipulating or letting it happen, it always leads to constant arguments and drama.
If you know someone is manipulating you and you see this pattern, stop allowing them to get over on you. If you have been a master manipulator, stop and look at how you are treating others. We get out of relationships what we put in, so if we’re putting in manipulation and selfishness, what can we really expect to get in return? Selflessness shows if I serve my spouse and she serves as well, we are working to meet the needs of each other and the relationship. There’s nothing manipulative or dramatic about a healthy, loving relationship.
BMWK: What has been your most dramatic relationship? Can you pinpoint the root cause of that drama? And are you finally ready for “No More Drama?