I have had some conversations in the past few days that remind me of how often we contribute to the creation of our own issues as singles. Singles are often so entrenched in wanting a relationship they are willing to settle for just about anything. There are also times that people want other people to do certain things, especially where children are concerned. Finally, parents sometimes get involved in our “single-life” because they just want what is best for us…at least that’s what they tell us. We have to learn how to overcome these common challenges that singles face:
Challenge #1 – If You Don’t Make Me Better, Why Are You Still Here?
Really, I could leave it at the caption. This is a must in any relationship. If you don’t make me better, if you don’t make me feel stronger, if you don’t make me love harder, why are you here? In the business world, we call it a “value add.” Your mate needs to bring value to your life. Not simply take up space, breathe air and eat up your food.
Here’s an exercise to do when you’re questioning a relationship. Make two lists. One list is what value your mate adds to the relationship. The second list is what energy he/she drains out of the relationship. There are a couple of ways to evaluate the lists. The first way is to determine if your mate is draining more from the relationship than adding value. Another way to evaluate these two lists is to evaluate on quality rather than quantity. Are they draining on your self-esteem? Are they draining on your spirituality? Are they draining on your peace of mind? My daughter likes a Taylor Swift song in which one of the lines says, “I mean, this is exhausting.” If your mate is exhausting to you, if your situation is exhausting, you need to evaluate why they are still there—and why you are still there.
Challenge #2 – I Can’t Control Another
It truly saddens me that some parents don’t do what is necessary to raise their children. Money is an important issue but it’s also about going to your child’s games when they play, taking them out, doing homework together, etc. You can’t put a price on quality time. I’m a single parent so I understand the challenges parents face. I have been blessed beyond belief to have the support system I have.
There are some that have not had those advantages while raising children as single parents. However, parents, we have to understand and accept—we can’t control the life and actions of another adult. You can want a co-parent to do what they should do, but don’t allow their shortcomings to stop you from moving forward. Many women I know (and some men) are in situations with their co-parents which are not desirable. It sucks, but we can’t change it. Dwelling on it always makes it worse. Keep it moving…keep parenting. No one can hold you down no matter the challenge.
I know a young lady who has no help from the co-parent. I admire that she never gets upset or complains, just presses forward. She has raised a great child. My friend couldn’t control another adult, but she could control being the best parent she could be. My friend is a great example of pressing forward.
Challenge #3 – I’m an Adult…and I Need You to Acknowledge This
Parents are great gifts. A parent is someone who loves you unconditionally, with a wealth of knowledge and experience who has your best interest at heart. The problem is sometimes they love us too much. They want what’s best for us, but they don’t want to allow us to grow by making our own mistakes. Advice is fine and often warranted, but if they protect you from everything, you’ll never experience anything! A bird can’t fly if they don’t risk the fall. We can’t grow if we don’t make mistakes to learn how to live on our own.
Listen to your parents. Be respectful of your parents. Adult children, respectfully tell your parents you are an old enough to make mistakes and wise enough to learn from them—because of what they taught you, of course!
Don’t settle for mess and call it a relationship. Do not allow a co-parent’s lack of maturity to interfere with your greatness! Acknowledge your parents, but live your life. All of these challenges are things we can deal with positively. These are common situations in relationships, but the question is how will YOU choose to handle them?