“It just happened!” Raise your hand if you are tired of hearing these three words yet. Oh no volunteers? Well, keep reading anyway! The more I coach clients this continues to be a consistent theme…. That is, until I break it down! I believe that many of the issues that arise and grow in dating and relationships are rooted in the lack of accountability we take for our actions. This comes as no surprise because self-reflection and looking in the mirror isn’t easy. But if we want to be better for ourselves and our mates, it’s necessary. Follow me while I hold this mirror up for you real quick.
1) I cheated on you……”it just happened!”
PSA it didn’t just happen…. you CHOSE to do it. You did the flirting, you exchanged information, you entertained the Facebook messages and conversations, you started sexting, you set up the visits. You agreed to meet up; you kissed, you had sex then you continued to do it. Those weren’t circumstances they were choices, and the quicker we decide to admit it, the less likely we are to repeat the behavior.
2) She’s pregnant….”it just happened!”
I understand that sometimes kids are conceived “by accident” , but I also know that it didn’t “just happen!” The structure, time, money, and effort it takes to raise children should be taken into consideration before you allow it to “just happen!” What really happened was that your hormones were raging, you gave up control and you had sex. That my friend was a choice (unless forced). Anytime you have sex there comes the possibility of having children, so choosing wisely is important. The future of the child will depend heavily on how healthy the relationship is,,,, so having that child has to do more than just happen!
3) We fell out of love and got divorced….”it just happened”
So many people say that falling out of love with their spouse “just happened” and as a result they were forced to divorce. If I’m not mistaken, falling in love doesn’t just happen and neither does falling out of it. When you fall out of love it’s usually because neither party did what it took to stay in love. Yes you stopped touching, stopped kissing, stopped being intimate. You started being abusive or non attentive. You started cheating and not caring about your spouse’s feelings. You wouldn’t go to counseling or seek help and you refused to take any accountability. You stopped making being in love a priority and that was a CHOICE.
The “it just happened” mindset is is ruining relationships and marriages everyday. Accountability and self-reflection is a key factor in developing healthy relationships, because the more accountable we are to ourselves the more accountable we will be to our mates. Refuse to just let things “just happen” in your relationships and love your mate intentionally and on purpose!
BMWK – can you think of other instances where “it just happened” is not acceptable.