Isn’t it funny how we always want people to change? Yet, we sometimes struggle with changing the simplest things about ourselves, like what time we wake up or what we do when a family member tries to start drama.
And I’m guilty of it, too. I have wasted countless hours figuring out how to get someone to change, wondering why he or she won’t change, praying for him or her to change—you get the picture.
But I finally (thank you, Jesus) realized that I could only change one person: Myself. That realization has brought me so much peace and has literally changed my life.
Years ago, I came home from work so frustrated about something my boss did at the time. My dear, sweet husband sat there and patiently waited for me to finish venting. After I was done, he asked,” why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you keep hoping for her to change, expecting her to be someone other than who she is? She showed you who she is. Why don’t you change how you react to her and move on.”
Beats me where all that Oprah-like wisdom came from, but he was right. I was focusing on her when I should have been focusing on myself.
Now the same thing goes for our relationships. We focus on our partner’s flaws, hoping and praying that he will just change his ways, only to be left feeling disappointed when he doesn’t.
It’s a hard place to be because usually when we want someone to change, it’s because we think that change will bring about more peace and joy in our relationship. The desired outcome makes perfect sense, but the belief that we can control how we reach that outcome is outrageous.
The problem is that no matter how much you want someone to change, there is a pretty good chance that they won’t. So to spare yourself the stress of not getting what you want. Here are three truths you need to accept if you are hoping to see a change in your man.
It will never happen if he doesn’t want it to
People change when they are good and ready to change. And they also have to personally see a need for the change. No one is going to change just because you think they should.
For someone to change they have to feel compelled to make the change and have a clear vision for what life will look like once they make that change. Changing any behavior is hard work, so for anyone to invest in it, it has to be because they want it to.
And the harsh reality is that people don’t just wake up and change because of love. Love isn’t enough. They have to truly desire change. Then and only then is change possible.
He’s more likely to change if you do
If you want to change a situation, just focus on yourself. That’s really all you can do.
Whether it’s your attitude, your approach, your words or your behaviors—choose something you can focus on changing on a personal level. This gives you more control because the focus is now on your life. It also gives your partner a chance to breathe because the focus is no longer on him.
No one plans to change if they feel pressured or judged. People are a lot more likely to make a shift if they see that you are making your own shifts.
The more you push the issue, the more things will stay the same
Nagging, being pushy and complaining all have one thing in common; they’ve never inspired anyone to change. Not one single person.
The more you try to force someone to do what you want him to do, the more he’ll refuse to do it. At some point, you have to realize that you have the power to stay, leave, change, etc. BUT you do not have the power to change another human being.
If that is the approach you plan to stick with, please know that he will never change. Instead of getting angry about his refusal to change, take action in your own life. Control what you can. Take care of yourself.
And if the change you are praying and hoping for is what your relationship depends on for survival, throw the ball in his court and leave it there. Don’t nag. Don’t push. Just do your part and make a decision based on what he chooses to do next.
BMWK ladies, what truths have you learned when it comes to trying to change your man?