The tragedy of “new love” is that often it dies young, long before it reaches the “golden years.”
Too many couples rush into certain territories far too soon and negatively impact the direction and outcome of their relationships.
We want to be strategic without being mechanical and free-flowing without being loose.
Love is not a sprint. It’s a long slow walk. There are many stages of development necessary to build solid foundations. The fast track to the bedroom, other premature indulgences, and behaviors redirect the entire dating process. Most relationships never recover from them.
Here a three common and very costly mistakes to avoid.
Rushing in…. Too Soon
“The best way to get over an old man is to get under a new one.”
The first chapter in my book “Out-Dated: Rethinking How Men Date Women” is called “Exit Wounds.” These are wounds sustained from a prior relationship that end badly.
What happens too often is the person rushes into a new relationship to avoid the pain that results from the loss. There is a grieving process that we experience when we lose at love. It’s very similar to the loss sustained when we lose a loved one to death.
It’s easy to make the mistake of rushing into the arms or bed of someone new to circumvent the necessary grieving process. This time should be used for self-reflection.
- What can be learned from the prior relationship?
- What things can be carried forward that have changed you for the better?
- What things should be left behind because they add no value to life?
We have to be courageous enough to ask ourselves the really tough questions. What went wrong? What was “my contribution to our demise? We learn from failure what does not work and what is not beneficial to our growth.
These are very important lessons. We miss these opportunities to learn and grow when we rush into the next relationship as soon as the prior relationships ends to avoid pain.
Meeting the Parents… Too Soon
When should you introduce him/her to your parents? That most special introduction should be reserved for a relationship that has matured beyond a cursory knowledge of one another. Meeting the parents is a sign that the relationship is serious.
We don’t take just anyone home to see where we’ve come from and the people responsible for laying the foundation that shaped us into the persons we have become.
This sends a mixed message if you’re not ready for a serious commitment and will most certainly create friction in the relationship. It’s best to leave a meeting of the parents out until you’re sure you’re ready for that level of progression in the relationship.
Sex… Too Soon
“Sex is not the foundation of any healthy relationship. Premature indulgence is detrimental to those who use sex to fill emotional deficits. They rob their future by the pain of their past.”
When is the “right” time to have sex? Is it when the vibe is right between two consenting adults? Is it day 91 after he has proven that he can last 90 days with you without sex? It’s much easier to go without sex for 90 days than it is to go without food. That would be noteworthy, sex not so much. I digress. What are the dangers of having sex too soon?
- It tends to shift the focus of the relationship. The relationship becomes heavily influenced by the desire to maintain the steady flow of sexual content. This causes couples to avoid certain difficult/sensitive subject matter to avoid any problems that may disrupt the flow of sexual regularity. Keeping conversation light, avoids arguments, but also prevents couples from having deep meaningful conversations that allow couples to get to know each other more intimately.
- It creates a false reality about the relationship. Sex becomes the foundation that a new relationship is built on. It’s like buiding a beautiful sandcastle on the beach. As beautiful and elaborate as the sandcastle may be, no one expects the sandcastle to withstand the tide that will soon roll in and leave only a memory in its place. The same is true of relationships that are founded on sex. It’s too fragile.
There are many other “shot-gun” actions that lead couples down the wrong path early on in their relationships. We could take turns naming them one after the other.
What’s most important to keep in mind is that healthy relationships are built in progressive stages. It’s detrimental to the relationship when we make certain moves too fast.
We want to be strategic without being mechanical and free-flowing without being loose. Both are possible with a little intention. The alternative is to wing it. We definitely don’t want to do that again. Certain carnal knowledge and other significant occurrences can’t be undone once those lines have been crossed.
BMWK, What other relationship mistakes can stop a relationship from growing?