Dear Dr. Buckingham,
My name is Jerrica and I am seeking for help in my relationship. I am 21 years old and I am dating a 28 year old man with a four year old son. We have been dating for approximately 8 months. Our relationship started at my old job, he was my manager at the time.
At first I did not take this relationship seriously because I did not think we would end up where we are now. At the time we started “talking” we both ended our past relationship and immediately started hanging out (I guess for the comfort of each other). I was still employed at my old job and I thought nothing more than a friendship with benefits.
At first it was great! We really enjoyed each others’ company, we hung out all the time outside of work, talked on phone whenever we were out of each other’s site, and met up with each other whenever we could. Later down the line that “friendship with benefits” grew into a relationship unknowingly. One day he expressed how he felt and I did as well and we decided to become a couple. I broke the lease on my apartment and moved in with him.
I eventually found another job to take off the stress of us sneaking around and hoping that no one would discover our relationship for the sake of our jobs. I met his family, son and his son’s mother as well. I’ve even spent time with his immediate family and created a bond with them all. Long story short, we broke up a few days ago because of past baggage.
We did not realize that we still held on to the bad habits of our previous relationship with ex’s, my anger issues with my parents, and baby mama drama.
It was rough 3 days apart as short of a break as it was, but we decided to work out our differences and get back together. However, within those 3 days we both reflected on what the problem was and made a conscious effort to try to fix things but we are in a weird space. He’s saying I’ve changed and I’m saying he has changed also, and we are all over the place. I cannot deny the love that I have for him, but how can we fix things feeling weird? My mind is running over with so many questions. What is love? Are we really in love with each other? Are we together still out of comfort or because we do not want to see each other with someone different? I am asking for advice, anything you can give me that can help us.
Help Seeking
Dear Help Seeking,
I have worked with hundreds of couples who have met under some very challenging circumstances. One of the most challenging circumstances that couples face in regards to developing and sustaining healthy relationships, is their inability to define and understand what love is. It is not uncommon for individuals to struggle with distinguishing lust from love. Many do not understand what love is and is not and often build relationships based on superficial connections.
Comprehending the essence and function of love can help you determine if you should enter or remain in a relationship, as well as help you determine if your relationship is built on and sustained on a solid foundation. Relationships that are based on love are more likely to last as compared to relationships that are developed out of a strong physical attraction or lust. Many individuals build relationships out of lust because they do not understand what real love is.
An issue that continues to astonish me daily is the belief that individuals are capable of developing and sustaining a relationship built on physical intimacy.
Women and men have confused love with lust without realizing that they operate in opposition to each other: Love is associated with internal attributes (personality, values, the condition of a person’s heart, etc.) and lust is associated with physical attributes (nice face, nice butt, sex appeal, etc.). Love requires you to be in a person’s presence in order to develop feelings. Lust requires nothing more than a lustful eye. Love develops emotional intimacy while lust develops physical intimacy that is often mistaken for emotional intimacy. Many individuals build relationships out of lust because they do not understand what love is.
Here are six ways to distinguish between love and lust:
- Love makes you wait to be married before having sex. Lust on the other hand, makes you jump in the bed before marriage.
- Love enables you to appreciate your significant other’s mind. Lust on the other hand, enables you appreciate your significant other’s body.
- Love makes you turn to God and your significant other when trouble is present in your relationship. Lust on the other hand, makes you turn away from God and your significant other when trouble is present in your relationship.
- Love makes you come home and hold your significant other. Lust on the other hand, makes you stay away from home and hold someone else’s significant other.
- Love contributes to faithfulness and understanding. Lust on the other hand, contributes to infidelity and conflict.
- Love enables you to validate, respect and honor your significant other’s emotions. Lust on the other hand, contributes to invalidation, disrespect and dishonor
I cannot stress the importance of understanding what love is and how it functions. One cannot remove lust or any other vice from his or her life unless he or she understands what love is. We are living in times when more emphasis is placed on physical qualities and less on internal qualities. This trend is especially dangerous for women and men who define the quality of their relationship based on superficial connections.
“Friends with benefits” relationships are typically lustful in nature and cripples individuals’ ability to establish relationships based on true love. With this in mind, I highly recommend that you and your boyfriend take some time to deal with past baggage and also explore the foundation in which your relationship was built on. Attending counseling can help you work through the weirdness and develop insight into how to move forward in a healthy manner.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.