I remember a few months back when a friend shared with me that they were separating from their spouse. It always breaks my heart to hear stories of separation and divorce. But I love the fact that people trust me with their truth, triumphs and their struggles. This person asked what they should be doing during the separation. Because I know separation doesn’t automatically lead to divorce, I shared that they shouldn’t see other people during this time. Dating while married clouds your judgement and doesn’t allow you the opportunity to work on your relationship.
I also advised they work on themselves, figure out the role they played leading to the separation and how they can be a better spouse. It seemed to register and I look forward to hearing the positive results for that couple.
Before a marriage arrives at a point where both partners are considering separation, there are usually some red flags that signal we are heading in the wrong direction. Some couples continue down that path without pause, concern or hesitation. Others think about doing something different, but ultimately succumb to the challenges. Unfortunately, those red flags can no longer be ignored. Our marriages require our immediate attention. If we paid attention to our partners, noticed the energy surrounding our marriages, we’d easily know when we were in trouble.
Too many of us witness the beginning of a struggle and sit silently without consulting our partner on how to change things. When I consider the friend I mentioned above, who was going through a separation, I think of how that separation thinking in marriage is affecting our relationships.
Some of us are living like we’re already separated, although we’re still very much involved in the relationship and living in the same home. Unfortunately, it’s too easy to check out. We know walking away is an option, and we always have our finger on that particular trigger. “Separation” thinking means, you’re not only ready to bounce at the first sign of trouble, it also means, you’re living in a silo within your marriage, instead of thinking unity, teamwork and togetherness.
If you think you can solve the problems in your relationship on your own, you are sadly mistaken. You have a partner for a reason. It means you create solutions and deal with the difficulties together. The solutions, of course, will have to benefit both partners. So how is it possible for one person to make that decision alone?
If you feel as though you need to be alone to deal with your anger, I would challenge you to reconsider. Allowing your spouse to help walk you through what you may be feeling is what partnership is all about. The moment you spoke the words, “I do” was the exact moment your life was no longer all about you.
If you think you have to temporarily walk away from your marriage in order to fix it, you’re throwing in the towel entirely too soon. Of course marriages survive separation all the time, because the partners are willing to make changes. What if we were willing to make those changes earlier rather than later? Can you imagine how powerful marriages would be?
Married couples, you have to remove this separation mindset. Walking away can no longer be the easy out. That separation mentality will destroy your marriage. Start thinking commitment, teamwork and partnership with every decision being made about your marriage.
BMWK, have you or your partner ever experienced a “separation” mindset in your marriage?