As the only married woman in my circle of friends, I’m frequented called on to answer their questions about love and relationships.
“He hasn’t called me in three days. Do you think something’s up?”
“There’s this cute guy in my psych class. He’s smart, too. I want to ask him out. What should I say?”
“Shouldn’t I have met his mom by now?”
Sometimes I manage to give them pretty good advice but other times I’m just as clueless as they are. I didn’t date much before I got married. My husband was my second serious boyfriend. We dated for three years before we tied the knot, but it was a relatively fuss-free period. We just hung out and talked for hours.
But as I look back, I realize my good fortune in finding a guy like my husband wasn’t really a result of anything I did. I met him and thought he was a great guy. Other than a spark that told me “Don’t let this one get away!” I didn’t really take any calculated moves to land him. There were no “rules” set by someone else that I followed; I kind of made up my own and what do you know? It worked.
I don’t consider myself to be an expert on dating, which is the stage they’re at in the their lives. They want to know how to find a guy they like, how to figure out if he’s a keeper, and how to keep things interesting as they continue to get to know each other.
Now, I’ve been there, done that and got the ring to prove it. But when they come to me with these questions, I admit I can be stumped. Which they don’t understand. “But you’re married,” they say. “Tell us something.”
At that point I’ll usually pull out my standard “You’ve got to be yourself and if he doesn’t accept you for who you are, then you know not to waste your time” speech, but past that, I leave it up to them.
All of this had me thinking, If not a married woman, who should they be turning to for advice? Are their expectations dead on, in fact? I think about Demetria Lucas, author of the popular blog, A Belle In Brooklyn, and the new book of the same name. She’s killing ’em these days, dishing out the relationship advice that so many ladies (and men!) are dying to hear. But she’s still single. Does that mean anything? Based on her following, I’d say no.
I think about Hill Harper and his many books and media appearances talking about male-female relationships. He’s still single. (No wife that I know of.) Does that mean anything?
Steve Harvey caught a lot of flack for his super-successful relationship books with people claiming they didn’t want to listen to anything from a twice-divorced comedian. But again, notice I said they were super successful, with his first book turning into a movie later this year.
So I’m not sure where I should steer my friends after they come to me for advice. Do I give them my “old married lady” advice, even though my personal experience doesn’t amount to much? Do you think single people are the “experts” on dating? Or is it even possible to be an expert on something that varies so much from couple to couple?