As the only married woman in my circle of friends, I’m frequented called on to answer their questions about love and relationships.
“He hasn’t called me in three days. Do you think something’s up?”
“There’s this cute guy in my psych class. He’s smart, too. I want to ask him out. What should I say?”
“Shouldn’t I have met his mom by now?”
Sometimes I manage to give them pretty good advice but other times I’m just as clueless as they are. I didn’t date much before I got married. My husband was my second serious boyfriend. We dated for three years before we tied the knot, but it was a relatively fuss-free period. We just hung out and talked for hours.
But as I look back, I realize my good fortune in finding a guy like my husband wasn’t really a result of anything I did. I met him and thought he was a great guy. Other than a spark that told me “Don’t let this one get away!” I didn’t really take any calculated moves to land him. There were no “rules” set by someone else that I followed; I kind of made up my own and what do you know? It worked.
I don’t consider myself to be an expert on dating, which is the stage they’re at in the their lives. They want to know how to find a guy they like, how to figure out if he’s a keeper, and how to keep things interesting as they continue to get to know each other.
Now, I’ve been there, done that and got the ring to prove it. But when they come to me with these questions, I admit I can be stumped. Which they don’t understand. “But you’re married,” they say. “Tell us something.”
At that point I’ll usually pull out my standard “You’ve got to be yourself and if he doesn’t accept you for who you are, then you know not to waste your time” speech, but past that, I leave it up to them.
All of this had me thinking, If not a married woman, who should they be turning to for advice? Are their expectations dead on, in fact? I think about Demetria Lucas, author of the popular blog, A Belle In Brooklyn, and the new book of the same name. She’s killing ’em these days, dishing out the relationship advice that so many ladies (and men!) are dying to hear. But she’s still single. Does that mean anything? Based on her following, I’d say no.
I think about Hill Harper and his many books and media appearances talking about male-female relationships. He’s still single. (No wife that I know of.) Does that mean anything?
Steve Harvey caught a lot of flack for his super-successful relationship books with people claiming they didn’t want to listen to anything from a twice-divorced comedian. But again, notice I said they were super successful, with his first book turning into a movie later this year.
So I’m not sure where I should steer my friends after they come to me for advice. Do I give them my “old married lady” advice, even though my personal experience doesn’t amount to much? Do you think single people are the “experts” on dating? Or is it even possible to be an expert on something that varies so much from couple to couple?
Aja says
I was thinking about this recently as well because my husband is also only my second serious relationship so I really don’t have a lot of “dating” experience. The funny thing is, I am married but I think I was horrible at dating which is one of the reasons why I wanted to get married- to not have to deal with dating! All of those questions – should I call him etc. I didn’t deal with much and now its been so long since I did that I don’t even remember.
I also guess the dating expertise someone seeks lies in what they consider dating success to be. Does that mean you just get a lot of dates, does that mean dates lead to marriage or serious relationships? At the end of the day I don’t think being married means you are a dating expert at all. Dating conversations make my head hurt!
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
See, Aja, you feel me! I don’t think I’d be good at dating. This marriage HAS to work. LOL.
Anthony from CharismaticKid says
Ha great question. I actually used to be a dating coach until I started working with children.
Political Pete says
Candid response: Ask a dude who is married. He most likely would have had a more extensive “dating” past than his wife.
clockes says
“Dude that’s married” over here. No EXTENSIVE dating past over here. Met in HS. Married her is college. 26yrs together, 23 married.
Aja has it right!!
Political Pete says
Exception vs Norm
no comment says
So glad to hear I am not the only one who feels they are not good at the dating game (keyword) I am not good at games I am very straight no chaser and people say they want honesty but they don’t. I am glad you ladies still ended up with a ring that means there is STILL HOPE for me 🙂 I have only had one serious relationship and that was over 10yrs ago. I pray my next one ends up being my HUBBY!!!
Great post
Spenseravery says
“Youve got to be yourself and if he doesnt accept you for who you are, then you know not to waste your time†speech, but past that, I leave it up to them.-my daughter recently asked me and my Wife separately “what do YOU know about dating? You’ve been married ALL Your Life? ..LOL”My wife and I compare notes often when it comes to the kids so we were kinda surprised that our 23yr would ask us the same question separately. Now I don’t know what my Wife said, but my response was:~
“Youve got to be yourself and if he doesnt accept you for who you are, then you know not to waste your time†speech, but past that, I leave it up to them.
-my daughter recently asked me and my Wife separately “what do YOU know about dating? You’ve been married ALL Your Life? ..LOL”
My wife and I compare notes often when it comes to the kids so we were kinda surprised that our 23yr would ask us the same question separately. Now I don’t know what my Wife said, but my response was:~
“I don’t know TOO much of anything about dating? I met your Mother in HS. We ‘talked’ for 3yrs and when she went off to college I missed her a lot. Yes WE saw other people, but then you came along and after a year of living together I knew that I didn’t want to risk losing her to someone else. So I got my act together and asked her to marry me. The BEST thing that I can offer you Princess Jessika is to NOT let SEX cloud the issue. Dating shouldn’t mean ‘ok, its been 2wks or 2months. Time to give him some’ (most men will take it on the 1st date if you let us). I wanted a partner and Mother to my kids. Your on to the 3rd or 4th ‘Love-of-Your-Life’. My question to you is? What Are YOU Going to Do Differently?”
We then talked about everything else BUT dating, after that..lol But before we finished, I added. “I can wait on the ‘How Did You Stay Married for so Long Question’ too. But here’s a hint. Be comfortable with NOT always having to have things YOUR way, before you choose someone to marry.
mochazina says
I often find that sex & relationships are the only areas where women don’t wanna hear from those who are “successful” (don’t know much about the dudes, but I suspect that they talk to each other LOL). If they want to be married why take the advice of a serial dater over that of a happily married, claiming “we don’t know” or “we don’t understand”? The same is not said of successful business owners.
I think the problem is that too many are trying to date when dating is not always a precursor to marriage.
wsl says
If they want “dating” advice, meaning they want to be successful on the dating scene, ask someone who’s good at dating. If you want to get married and learn how to cultivate a successful relationship, turn to a woman who has more insight about men (and vice versa) — someone who’s happily married. We might not know all the ins/outs of playing the game — but we know the opposite sex. We’re privy to how our husband’s think, and we’ve gotten the inside scoop on their friend’s antics as well because they let down their guards around us.
FirstladyShonda says
I personally believe some married people do give good dating advice. We had to do something right in order to get married in the first place. I have gotten two couples married and two other couples have been together for up to six years. But, both my hubby and I dated for years before we met. Well, I was in a six year relationship before him, in which I was engaged. So, we both have a dating history and knew what we wanted. I will and don’t mind helping a sister out! Lol I just love to see people happy and in love!
Steven Simmons says
It is kinda ironic that expert daters tend to be chronically single but being married or happily married doesn’t make you an expert in relationships. Being married only requires you to master your relationship with your spouse. What works with your spouse may not work with other people
Lisa says
I think the women who might have the best understanding of both are those who married in their late 20s/early 30s. Those women are more likely to have spent some time in the modern dating world (sorry, but folks giving me advice from the 70s and 80s doesn’t help) and experienced dating outside of an academic setting, but then managed to navigate that to end up with their husband. I’ve only been married for about a year, but I feel that I know a lot more about the dating world than my other married peers because I was in it for about 10 years, didn’t marry my college sweetheart, and actually had to take some lumps/learn some hard lessons before I figured out the best way to recognize a serious-minded man. And once I did that, I was able to enter a relationship with the man I eventually married.
I admit though, when I was seeking dating advice, advice “gurus” like Hill Harper, Steve Harvey and Demetria Lucas didn’t leave much of an impression on me, because I ultimately was dating for the purpose of marriage. One person who is over 40 and never married and another who says she isn’t necessarily interested in marriage isn’t going to be who I look to for advice… nor is someone divorced multiple times…