by Delano Squires
I had the privilege of participating in a relationship forum last year at an all girls college in Washington, D.C. The discussion was lively, with over 50 students and a panel of five men who were asked to bring a male perspective to questions on love, sex, and relationships. One young lady asked the men on the panel what she should do to uncover a young man’s true intentions. My response was simple: don’t have sex with him. The looks of bewilderment I received indicated that the young women in attendance probably did not expect that answer. How could I realistically advocate abstinence for young women with so much freedom and so many dating options? The brothers on the panel were similarly surprised. One remarked afterward “that’s not the guy I remember from college”. Well, he was right. Over the years I have learned that sex, while created and intended for our pleasure in the right context, can cause a great deal of difficulty in relationships outside of that context.
The question I was asked that night was reflective of a common concern, shared by many women, that men will feign interest for a period of time in order to get them into bed. Once that occurs, some men suddenly stop calling or answering calls. An even worse situation for some women is the feeling of being used solely for the purpose of someone’s physical gratification. What often result are feelings of emptiness, guilt, or shame, particularly for women who have experienced past sexual abuse or trauma. Contrary to the messages being perpetuated by some female pop icons, I don’t believe women achieve true empowerment by giving their bodies away to men indiscriminately. The benefits of abstinence in dating and courtship are applicable to men as well. Our culture sends both implicit and explicit signals to men that manhood is at least partially measured by one’s sexual conquests, but there are also consequences to male promiscuity. A man who has been with many women in the past could very well find it difficult to establish genuine intimacy with his wife. Years of casual sexual encounters can desensitize him both physically and emotionally, causing his experience with his wife to be indistinguishable from all of the others in his past. Furthermore, with HIV/AIDS and STD rates continuing to climb, abstaining is a sure way to take cover from the myriad diseases that can levy an all-out assault on our bodies. It also allows both men and women to avoid unintended pregnancies and the subsequent issues that arise when two people who don’t intend on committing to one another are joined together forever by the birth of a child.
Conversations about abstinence are often approached from a spiritual perspective. For Christians, the bible is very clear regarding prohibitions against sex outside of the martial context. One pastor I know believes that abstinence in courtship leads to fidelity in marriage. One of his points was both spiritual and practical, applicable for those who do not adhere to a particular faith perspective: both husbands and wives need to show that they can go periods of time without sexual intimacy because some life circumstances (e.g. pregnancy, long-term illness, distance, etc.) could make this a necessity. In addition, delaying physical gratification allows two people to learn each other without a major source of distraction. No one should enter into a lifelong commitment with his or her “relationship vision” impaired. Sometimes the physical closeness that is achieved through sex can mask more serious issues in a relationship. Incompatibility, poor communication, a lack of trust, infidelity, self-esteem issues, and even abuse can go unaddressed if a relationship is built on shallow ground. Our culture has tried to make sex synonymous with intimacy but true “in-to-me-see” does not start in the bedroom. Ideally, sex should be the culmination of intimacy, a physical expression of a healthy marriage whose foundation is built on strong spiritual and emotional bonds.
BMWK, do you think that abstinence in dating and courtship is a realistic goal? If you successfully practiced abstinence in you relationship before marriage, how did it benefit you? What advice would you give to couples that are attempting to abstain?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.