by Delano Squires
I had the privilege of participating in a relationship forum last year at an all girls college in Washington, D.C. The discussion was lively, with over 50 students and a panel of five men who were asked to bring a male perspective to questions on love, sex, and relationships. One young lady asked the men on the panel what she should do to uncover a young man’s true intentions. My response was simple: don’t have sex with him. The looks of bewilderment I received indicated that the young women in attendance probably did not expect that answer. How could I realistically advocate abstinence for young women with so much freedom and so many dating options? The brothers on the panel were similarly surprised. One remarked afterward “that’s not the guy I remember from college”. Well, he was right. Over the years I have learned that sex, while created and intended for our pleasure in the right context, can cause a great deal of difficulty in relationships outside of that context.
The question I was asked that night was reflective of a common concern, shared by many women, that men will feign interest for a period of time in order to get them into bed. Once that occurs, some men suddenly stop calling or answering calls. An even worse situation for some women is the feeling of being used solely for the purpose of someone’s physical gratification. What often result are feelings of emptiness, guilt, or shame, particularly for women who have experienced past sexual abuse or trauma. Contrary to the messages being perpetuated by some female pop icons, I don’t believe women achieve true empowerment by giving their bodies away to men indiscriminately. The benefits of abstinence in dating and courtship are applicable to men as well. Our culture sends both implicit and explicit signals to men that manhood is at least partially measured by one’s sexual conquests, but there are also consequences to male promiscuity. A man who has been with many women in the past could very well find it difficult to establish genuine intimacy with his wife. Years of casual sexual encounters can desensitize him both physically and emotionally, causing his experience with his wife to be indistinguishable from all of the others in his past. Furthermore, with HIV/AIDS and STD rates continuing to climb, abstaining is a sure way to take cover from the myriad diseases that can levy an all-out assault on our bodies. It also allows both men and women to avoid unintended pregnancies and the subsequent issues that arise when two people who don’t intend on committing to one another are joined together forever by the birth of a child.
Conversations about abstinence are often approached from a spiritual perspective. For Christians, the bible is very clear regarding prohibitions against sex outside of the martial context. One pastor I know believes that abstinence in courtship leads to fidelity in marriage. One of his points was both spiritual and practical, applicable for those who do not adhere to a particular faith perspective: both husbands and wives need to show that they can go periods of time without sexual intimacy because some life circumstances (e.g. pregnancy, long-term illness, distance, etc.) could make this a necessity. In addition, delaying physical gratification allows two people to learn each other without a major source of distraction. No one should enter into a lifelong commitment with his or her “relationship vision” impaired. Sometimes the physical closeness that is achieved through sex can mask more serious issues in a relationship. Incompatibility, poor communication, a lack of trust, infidelity, self-esteem issues, and even abuse can go unaddressed if a relationship is built on shallow ground. Our culture has tried to make sex synonymous with intimacy but true “in-to-me-see” does not start in the bedroom. Ideally, sex should be the culmination of intimacy, a physical expression of a healthy marriage whose foundation is built on strong spiritual and emotional bonds.
BMWK, do you think that abstinence in dating and courtship is a realistic goal? If you successfully practiced abstinence in you relationship before marriage, how did it benefit you? What advice would you give to couples that are attempting to abstain?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.
Jazzyjo_12 says
Yes, I think it is realistic. Here's the problem, most people are too busy following in the footsteps of others, not there own. People are obsessed with the “American” viewpoint on relationship and intimacy. There's a rule that says, “if you don't follow what others are doing, you will be old and alone” Boy, does that scare a lot of people! I suffered from this need for “sexual power” as a college student too, I followed the societal philosophy ( sex= empowerment) to the tee. And yes, I did create some unnecessary heartaches and pain. All in the name of empowerment, or rather, not wanting to be ALONE.
As I transitioned deeper into adulthood, I began to realize why the results were what they were. I was too busy trying to be what everyone else deemed appropriate. The Bible's standpoint on sex and intimacy is the TRUTH. Self-control (lack thereof) is the driving force behind many problems in our society today(infidelity, diseases, finance, obesity… etc). In order to shy away from the continual destruction I see in relationships today, I decided to change my approach and behavior. I don't want to take part in what I see. The good thing is, I did just that.
People will experience difficulty with this process if they have no clue as to why they're doing what they are doing. Are you waiting because someone told you too? Or have you developed an understanding of sex and sexuality and its place in your life? I had intentions on waiting too. lol. Decisions like this aren't as simple as “just do it.” It requires discipline and SELF-CONTROL. And appropriate boundaries must be set in order to stand strong on your position. We can't simply tell young people to wait. We must also help them in developing an understanding (purpose) and setting boundaries (control) for their decisions. I wish somebody had done that with me.
Keepit100 says
I'm in a long term relationship that is on it's way to marriage. We did not have sex until two years after we started dating. We were young (early 20's) and had never been intimate with anyone before, and waiting until it felt right, ie, we were emotionally and mentally bonded, what absolutely the best and right decision. I don't think that you have to be married to have sex, but I do think that you should be very, VERY discerning about your relationships and whether this is healthy person to have such a strong emotional bond with. My partner and I have only been intimate with one another, and I can't tell you how amazing it is to have that type of bond…. when everything that you know about love and intimacy is an outgrowth of your unique relationship with one another. It is a powerful and moving thing, truly. I also appreciate that this article mentioned pros and cons that are not straight out of the bible. Regardless of where you are spiritually, abstinence and celibacy are wonderful ways to set boundaries for yourself and others and build from a foundation of respect that is rooted more deeply than just physically.
Mom of 3 says
I really enjoyed this article. It was good to hear from a man's perspective that women who wait are appreciated.
Keesha says
Good article. I use to blog about this in my singleness.
Yes, I believe that abstinence during dating is realistic. My husband and I started dating when we were 28 and I was still a virgin. I dated many before him that enjoyed my company, but could not accept my choice (to wait for marriage) we moved on.
My husband proposed 9 months after we started dating and we've been married for almost a year now. I already knew that I married a man that loved me in every way (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and so on)… I believe that sex was just the next level of bringing us closer. Now that I have experienced a sexual relationship I could not have imagined being that vulnerable with anyone but my husband. Marriage gives me a sense of security that no dating relationship ever did.
All in all I would say that abstinence is a lifestyle choice and for me it was a spiritual choice. It wasn't easy for my husband, but he understood my desire to wait. For couples that want to practice abstinence until marriage you have to set clear boundaries and communicate along the way. Know your partner and their weaknesses, just because you can handle a certain level of intimacy doesn't mean that it won't push your mate over the edge. If you meet someone that you vibe with that can't respect your decision to wait, you have to know your worth and have the strength to move on.
Ray says
Very good article D!! Abstinence is very much an attainable goal but it takes maturity and self-discipline. As you know, we have guys in our small group who are in relationships and are practicing celibacy. As an older guy, growing up in the 60's and 70's that was the furthest thing from my mind and especially in High School. I had no positive male figure to relay or express these ideas and i really wasn't into the Church until much later. To attain this, imho you need other strong brothers around you to help in this process. We need to kinda detach ourselves from those who want you to go back to the 'norm'. As you pointed out in the article, every action we make has a consequence or reaction. It makes sense in a physical and spiritual standpoint. I would tell the ladies, if the brother can't wait he's not worth waiting on.
Bro. Ray
Bryan says
I would have to disagree with this article. I support abstinence if that is what you want to do, but this article suffers from the common problem of lumping all men into one category. A lot of guys don't give sex that much weight and importance. Is a part of a relationship? Yes. Is it the end all be all? No. Why do we continue to give sex so much power? I guy can have sex with a woman early in a relationship and still be interested in a long term relationship.
This article is advocating game playing. Withhold sex until… That's a game and that will lead to more and more games. Games are not a good foundation for a relationship. How about wait to have sex until both parties want to. Women forget that sex is a two person thing. He's giving his body just as much as you are.
Exigence says
Its only game playing when one or both parties is wishy washy in their beliefs/desires for the relationship. Those who are serious about celibacy, religious or not, will not allow themselves to get too involved with someone not on the same level. That is true in any aspect of life once people reach a certain level of maturity (not necessarily age), they won't allow others to get played, or themselves. So if you are played, check yourself and the person you want so badly to have sex with. The only time some men can rationalize women practicing any level of celibacy is when THEIR mother/sister/daughter is the one crying after a fling with Joe. Didn't she know he was a total dog?? 2 weeks and 3 dates in, not so much…well she should've waited til she knew more about him…
As a woman, I'd much rather a man move on when I tell him I am waiting for marriage than find out later he has a piece on the side to tide him over until I decide to serve him; test/tempting me all the time trying to get me to crack; OR have that disappointing convo 90 days in cause he thought I was just on the Steve Harvey 'get him to act right' plan, and time was up. What do we gain by playing with you? #1. If I tell you up front, how is it a game? You can leave right then and decide not to 'play' #2. Why not give your expectations up front, and let me decide how I want to proceed? That is the real issue for immature hypersexual men IMNTBHO, they think we've all read the book or heard about it (and probably so) and are playing a game to one up, train, trick, control them. Its not about you, especially if a woman is celibate before you meet, but its still a perceived attack on your ego/swagga/rep that women don't drop all pretenses and panties when you mee them. Once again, check yourself if you already don't like the decisions the other person has made before you get to the first date, because if you are immature you will rationalize anything to have sex, correct?
To answer the post questions, I believe abstinence is possible and necessary for all the reasons mentioned. Primarily because the Bible is right, even King Solomon with his hundreds of wives and concubines said essentially all the pleasures and the pursuit of it in the world is vanity and profits nothing. Most younger men are selfish and pleasure seeking, and for some that follows them into their mature years to their detriment, as the post stated.The power women thought they would get by having the pill and legalized abortion have not worked, some women are liberated but really it just made it easier for men to not get yoked into marriage via pregnancy and most women are still spiritually tied to 2-4-6 men of their pasts.
My advice as alluded to in my response, as much as the dating pool is cut, don't entertain those that don't take your celibacy seriously. A man in a post stated emphatically he didn't want anymore kids, single with a child from previous relationship, but his tone indicated he was putting the responsibility to respect his wishes on the future women in his life. I asked are YOU willing to do what it takes i.e. tell the woman early (and pray she is listening and not try to trap/convince you with a surprise), wear condoms all the time, pay for your womans birth control, getting a vasectomy or saying bye-bye to the baddest chick on earth cause she wants a starting line up of kids. But that is what this decision is like, can't expect each person you meet to fit perfectly into your plan. Its not something you blurt out during introductions but you'll know when its time, you know he/she has a reputation, you know what songs will not do, and when and where to go places..stuff you KNEW when you were having sex but NOW you are more aware cause your mind is clearer.
You have to find like minded individuals to keep you strong, almost like AA cause there are many temptations, the whole world is against you. Pray and build your relationship with God, which is your purpose as a single person (I even have to remind myself some days). I hadn't considered abstinence before marriage helping in periods of possible separation afterwards, but it makes sense when you consider some neglected then cheating spouse stories in and outside church, the military its really bad. Even in church I sometimes cringe hearing people testify how they got saved and KNEW they HAD to get married, like you weren't going to give God time to work on that area of your life if you were a womanizer or tramp? If you been shacking and have kids, yeah do that, but single folk…I'm looking, you HAD to get married and that is what you got? His eye still wanders though he hell scared to act, she pining for the one she should've waited on. Or they lack spiritually in another area they needed growth in.
KR says
D — awesome… truly! I definitely believe abstinence in dating relationships/courtship is realistic… and not only, but beneficial too. When you really dissect it, isn't sex more than just a physical act? It's, in fact, the deepest level of intimacy individuals can experience. Dating is fun… random… sporatic even. Courtship is a little more serious… more focused and intentional. But marriage (at least the way it's designed to be) is where two hearts, souls and bodies become ONE… not for 'long term' but presumably, eternally. I don't want to share that level of intimacy with anyone other than my husband — not my boyfriend or even my fiance… but the man that vows 'Til death do us part'.
T. Rogers says
“Years of casual sexual encounters can desensitize him both physically and emotionally, causing his experience with his wife to be indistinguishable from all of the others in his past.”
^^There is so much truth to this quote. I have seen this play out often with people I know. One common lie out there is multiple sexual encounters don't impact men emotionally the way they do women. That is not true. Often the effects are not seen until later in life. I believe there is a direct correlation between the ability to be happy in a relationship and the ability to be truly intimate with another person. Years of casual sex can destroy a person's ablilty to truly connect on a deeper level.
I won't say total abstinence is always the answer. However, it is a good idea to delay sex in a relationship. Why would you share something as sacred as your body with someone you really don't know? I know that is a personal choice. But in most cases does doing so really lead to a productive place relationally? No. It will get you a quick thrill (maybe). But something more important may be lost in the process.
Karletta says
Yes, My Ex-husband and I were both virgins, when we got married. Though the mechanics took a minute to get right (which we eventually did) I was wonderful enjoying sex withing God's will.
Currently at 40 I have decided to become celibate again, after a decade of “enpowerment” behavior. This journey has been insightful for me. I can observe men's behavior toward me more objectively and less anxious, because the “when are we going to sleep together” question is eliminated from my mind. It is true freedom.
For couples who are abstaining, I can only give a women's point of view and that is look at the bigger picture. What do you want your relationship to be in it's truest sense and think through your choses accordingly. I believe God tells us to abstain from fornication and adultery, not to keep us from having fun, but since he created us, has given us a “User's Manual” on how to optimumly enjoy this wonder thing called the human body.
Just Me says
I can proudly say that my wife and the mother of my three children is the only woman I have ever “Known.”
I waited until I was 27 years old to cash in my V-card. As a very handsome black man going through college, grad school and the early years of my profession, it wasn't easy. My motto: Until Trojan makes a condom to protect my human soul, I'm not going there!
The tragic impact that you see such diseases as HIV/AIDS has on a person's physical body, is only the manifestation at a cellular level, the destruction that is happening to that person on a spiritual level.
There is a beautiful book I would recommend ALL couples read and especially those young people who are dating and engage to be married.
It's called “Sheet Music, Uncovering the secrets of sexual intimacy” by Dr. Leman.
You'll find that an uncluttered bed makes for deep intimacy.
Marsha D says
So beautifully and powerfully written. I cannot agree with you more. Sex is a beautiful gift from God, that should not be devalued or wielded unwisely. I have witnessed many relationships and lives torn apart as a result of sex. Someone replied that we give sex too much importance. I disagree. We don't give it enough importance. These days sex is everywhere: from the corner to the big screen and as a result we have begun to categorize sex as casual entertainment. I would go so far as to say that those who consider this process of intimacy and oneness as trivial do not quite understand their own value or self worth.
Even those who rationalize pre-marital sex by declaring that they are in a loving long-term relationship place themselves at a great risk. It makes me think of that seemingly silly, but remarkably poignant question of “Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?” Consider that you just may be giving up your precious goods to the one that is actually not “The One.” If he loves you, let him put a ring on it (if you love her, then put a ring on it) and let the whole world know that this is really it. That isn't playing games; that is letting him/her know that you aren't playing any games and that it is time to get serious.
Divine and Debt Free says
I decided to turn to a life of Celibacy a year ago and it was the best choice I have ever made on so many levels. I know who I am and no man can use sex to define me any longer. When I tell men that, they run for the hills and I am so thankful!!
Tonya says
Yes, I think that abstinence in dating and courtship is a realistic goal. However, you must be prepared for what you will learn about the person that you think you want to be involved with and what you will learn about yourself.
I am learning to pray for the strength of heart to accept the consequences of taking this path. I believe that in the long-term you are better off by taking sexual involvement off the table during dating and courtship. However the rejection, isolation and occasional abandonment that you'll experience before meeting the person that is worth the wait is not for the faint of heart.
I have female friends that don't believe that abstinence is realistic for grown people, especially the over forty crowd of which I am a part, so its not just men. I have deeply religious friends, active in their churches that are also sexually active as well as friends that are non-church going people who would never entertain the idea of celibacy as an adult. There are also those who believe that every act short of intercourse doesn't count but that's a whole 'nother ball game in the dating game.
All that to say that there's not a lot of sincere support for the adult choice of celibacy. It is often a lonely choice and a highly challenging one. However, if we want the best for ourselves, we may have to make short-term sacrifices for long-term gain.
You will learn more than you ever wanted to know about others, your significant other and most of all yourself during a season of celibacy, however long it lasts. I was married six years and have been divorced more than thirteen years. Being single again is way different than the single life I experienced in my teens and twenties.
I can honestly say of my own journey has been an uneven road but that the greatest sexual freedom I personally ever experienced was within a committed, secure, and monogamous relationship. The 'freedom' to experience multiple partners without commitment or connection was never particularly liberating to me. Encounters without the possibility of permanence felt as if I had been confined to a position that didn't suit me. I feel that every relationship should at least begin with unlimited possibility.
For those attempting to abstain as I am, I believe that both individuals have to want something more than Mr or Ms Right now and must be very clear on what you want for yourself long term. That's the only thing that will allow you to sacrifice short term pleasure for the long-term satisfaction.
Rosemarie says
Great article! In many ways this article echoes what I have thought for years. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. I am now in my late 20s but as a teen no one in my family talked about sex and sexuality. I was left to learn from books, popular culture and peers. In college, I submitted to another’s desires and to my OWN belief about what “grown”, “mature” women do/did. I wanted to fit in with my new friends — who weren’t friends at all — and I wanted to have a companion. I was left with a broken heart. I have been celibate/abstinent (not sure on the terms) for nearly a decade now. It can be daunting for a young, vibrant black women and men DO accuse me of “playing games” and “not being real” but I do not feel the confusion and loneliness that I felt during those sexual intercourse moments. I still feel some shame about being used as the article noted but I my feelings of hope and accomplishment usually overwhelm them. I think the lifestyle is realistic with personal will, like-minded people and a belief in God.u00a0 I am not in a relationship but I believe that with patience my man is going to arrive and accept what I have to offer as a girlfriend sans sex and eventually as a wife.
Ilexbienaime says
I love the post brother!