by Delano Squires
Recently CNN aired a compelling report on how young children perceive race. The participants, ages 4-5 and 9-10, were shown a picture of five identical cartoon characters with complexions ranging from very light to very dark. The children were then asked to point to the “smart child”, “dumb child”, “pretty child”, and “ugly child” to measure their racial biases. To the surprise of some, both white and black children showed a strong bias toward white skin, although the bias displayed by white children was significantly stronger than that of black children.
I mention this report because I wonder how much of our decisions on who we date and marry are affected by similar biases about beauty and attitude. Black men dating and marrying white women is hardly new in our community, but recent books and articles have encouraged black women to expand their pool of potential mates to include men of other races. I believe that people should hold on to genuine love wherever they can find it, regardless of a person’s race or ethnicity, but I also believe that black men and women should seriously evaluate their motives for interracial dating. We should also ensure that intra-racial biases regarding skin tone and hair texture do not affect us in similar ways. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having preferences but we do ourselves a disservice when we esteem certain physical features and degrade others for no logical reason at all. Western culture has historically viewed feminine beauty through a prism that places a premium on white skin and European features. Similarly, stereotypes about black men regarding unfaithfulness, commitment, and other racially-specific pathologies have the potential to negatively impact the dating decisions of some black women. Hundreds of years of being inundated with messages about the undesirability of our African features and the dysfunction of our culture has infected our minds with what I call “the virus”. The virus manifests itself in different ways, in different people, at different times. If you’ve ever heard a relative launch into a conversation on “good hair”, explicitly link physical desirability with color and skin tone, or been told “you’re pretty…for a dark-skinned girl”, then you are familiar with the ways in which this mindset affects us. Another example is the tendency for some black men in the public sphere to exclusively date and marry women who are either white or very light-skinned. To be clear, this is not an indictment of specific individuals choosing particular mates but a question of why, assuming a relatively equal distribution of light, brown, and dark skinned black women, it is difficult to name 10 famous black men with spouses darker than themselves. The key issue here is not outcomes but motives. The virus is so deadly because it is displayed in our actions, yet exercises its real power in our thought life and the desires of our hearts. The sad reality is that our community has been complicit in the transmission of this virus, particularly in our media. Much of this is a by-product of age and generational differences but one friend questioned how, in 2009, a conscious rapper like Wale could have a video entitled “Pretty Girls” yet include virtually no dark-skinned women.
The sad fact is that people unnecessarily exclude potentially good mates when they let stereotypes about beauty, attitude, and desirability distort their dating decisions. The good news is that we slowly seem to be growing more resistant to the virus. Some of the black children in the CNN video insisted that skin color should have no bearing on how we value each other as people. Positively affirming one another can help us regain control of our perceptions and internal biases. We should also be courageous enough to push back against stereotypes, regardless of who is advancing them or how they are expressed. This might require uncomfortable conversations with relatives and friends we love, but future generations deserve to be nurtured in homes and communities where every aspect of their being is celebrated and valued. One friend, of a rich ebony hue, told me that she found the vaccine sometime during her high school years. Her advice was simple: love the skin, shape, and features that God gave you. Self-discovery and self-love sound so simple yet both have proven elusive for so many years. Let’s hope one day we can find the antidote and all be cured.
BMWK, have you ever been infected with “the virus”? How have perceptions of race, beauty, and desirability affected your dating decisions? How would you suggest the black community combat these stereotypes?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development.