by Delano Squires
Recently CNN aired a compelling report on how young children perceive race. The participants, ages 4-5 and 9-10, were shown a picture of five identical cartoon characters with complexions ranging from very light to very dark. The children were then asked to point to the “smart child”, “dumb child”, “pretty child”, and “ugly child” to measure their racial biases. To the surprise of some, both white and black children showed a strong bias toward white skin, although the bias displayed by white children was significantly stronger than that of black children.
I mention this report because I wonder how much of our decisions on who we date and marry are affected by similar biases about beauty and attitude. Black men dating and marrying white women is hardly new in our community, but recent books and articles have encouraged black women to expand their pool of potential mates to include men of other races. I believe that people should hold on to genuine love wherever they can find it, regardless of a person’s race or ethnicity, but I also believe that black men and women should seriously evaluate their motives for interracial dating. We should also ensure that intra-racial biases regarding skin tone and hair texture do not affect us in similar ways. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having preferences but we do ourselves a disservice when we esteem certain physical features and degrade others for no logical reason at all. Western culture has historically viewed feminine beauty through a prism that places a premium on white skin and European features. Similarly, stereotypes about black men regarding unfaithfulness, commitment, and other racially-specific pathologies have the potential to negatively impact the dating decisions of some black women. Hundreds of years of being inundated with messages about the undesirability of our African features and the dysfunction of our culture has infected our minds with what I call “the virus”. The virus manifests itself in different ways, in different people, at different times. If you’ve ever heard a relative launch into a conversation on “good hair”, explicitly link physical desirability with color and skin tone, or been told “you’re pretty…for a dark-skinned girl”, then you are familiar with the ways in which this mindset affects us. Another example is the tendency for some black men in the public sphere to exclusively date and marry women who are either white or very light-skinned. To be clear, this is not an indictment of specific individuals choosing particular mates but a question of why, assuming a relatively equal distribution of light, brown, and dark skinned black women, it is difficult to name 10 famous black men with spouses darker than themselves. The key issue here is not outcomes but motives. The virus is so deadly because it is displayed in our actions, yet exercises its real power in our thought life and the desires of our hearts. The sad reality is that our community has been complicit in the transmission of this virus, particularly in our media. Much of this is a by-product of age and generational differences but one friend questioned how, in 2009, a conscious rapper like Wale could have a video entitled “Pretty Girls” yet include virtually no dark-skinned women.
The sad fact is that people unnecessarily exclude potentially good mates when they let stereotypes about beauty, attitude, and desirability distort their dating decisions. The good news is that we slowly seem to be growing more resistant to the virus. Some of the black children in the CNN video insisted that skin color should have no bearing on how we value each other as people. Positively affirming one another can help us regain control of our perceptions and internal biases. We should also be courageous enough to push back against stereotypes, regardless of who is advancing them or how they are expressed. This might require uncomfortable conversations with relatives and friends we love, but future generations deserve to be nurtured in homes and communities where every aspect of their being is celebrated and valued. One friend, of a rich ebony hue, told me that she found the vaccine sometime during her high school years. Her advice was simple: love the skin, shape, and features that God gave you. Self-discovery and self-love sound so simple yet both have proven elusive for so many years. Let’s hope one day we can find the antidote and all be cured.
BMWK, have you ever been infected with “the virus”? How have perceptions of race, beauty, and desirability affected your dating decisions? How would you suggest the black community combat these stereotypes?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development.
I agree, hold onto love wherever you may find it regardless of their race. While I have not dated anyone besides black or bi-racial men, I have bee approached and attracted to others. I am not sure how I feel about being with someone outside my race but if the opportunity arises for me to go on a date with someone, I’ll take it.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..It’s 10PM Do You Know Where Your Chainsaw Is? =-.
i love my self and am raising my children to do the same. to be confident in what you see when you look in the mirror. because if they dont love themselves than how can anyone else?
Interesting article, I believe that we must live and love with a kingdom perspective. We live in a society that has allowed skin color to create some painful events in our lives eg slavery. However, we must live and love like Jesus. If you find love outside your race then go for it.I know that they are situations like in celebrity world that finding someone of a different race is a sense of accomplishment however, we are of a Kingdoms world and that’s not how we look at things.
God Bless
Delano, you hit the nail right on the head. I am African, and you get the sterotypical comments all the time. But I’m so in love with myself, my people and my culture that nothing can shake it. You’re correct when you say that it’s not about skin color; it’s about your love for the person. But, if the skin color is what is driving one’s decision to date an individual, then it’s sad.
LONG LIVE THE GREAT REPUBLIC OF SIERRA LEONE 🙂
Nadia
Great points in your article! I like to touch on what you said about Wale. I like him as an artist, he is a breath of fresh air, bringing light to the aspiring artists in DC. How conscious can he really claim to be if there are no brown skinned girls in his “pretty girl” video? Unfortunately, the incongruity continues. Wale has a song called “shades” in which he discusses his own complexities and insecurities that he faced being a darkskinned brotha.
This to me signifies that he acknowledges that there is an issue in our society with both men and women and skin tone. The greater question I propose is: Is he simply shedding light on this issue or will he use his platform as an artist to actually aid in finding an antidote to this “virus” ? I feel that Wale should at least be conscious enough not to perpetuate these stereotypes and issues he discusses in his songs.
As far as dating, I’m willing to date a man from ANY race who sincerely sees me as beautiful inside and out. And if that happens to be someone other than a black man then so be it. Real Talk
Wow Delano,
You really hit the nail on the head with this one. A group of my friends and I recently had a similar discussion about inter-racial dating. Many of my friends are single and considering dating outside of our race. They are professional women, ready to settle down, marry and start a family. I think their biggest obstacle is how they will be perceived by family and friends. I’m going to post this link so they too can read it.
P.S. If one more person says to my almost 3-year old daughter “you got good hair like your mommy”….I might really hurt somebody. I HATE it.
This is truly an issue (which is sad that it still exists). My older sister still gets the “you’re pretty for a dark skinned girl”. I get people asing me *when* (not if) I’m going to relax my almost 12 year old’s hair.
An old friend of mine (who is carmel complected, but also has a dark skinned daughter) said that “mixed kids are automatically cute”. Apparently this belief is shared by many! I stopped following Kim Wayans on Twitter because she put out a tweet to that effect.
I’ve never dated outside my race. A couple of biracial men, but no white, hispanic, etc. I don’t know why. I guess some of us inadvertently latch on to the messages and some of reject them. I have always rejected the “light skinned, *good* hair, *pretty* eyes” guy. Yes, I’ve probably missed out over the years, who knows. Even when I’ve been interested in dating interracially, I always knew I’d never marry anyone but a black man.
Its tough to articulate. Ahhhh!
It is so funny how skin tone issues affect our culture in so many different ways. I’m a light-skinned woman with long hair and light eyes. I’m not light enough to pass for white, but most people can’t believe I’m not “mixed with something.” I had some issues of being “black enough.” Growing up, I always said that I wanted to marry a darker-skinned man so my kids could “have some color.” As I matured and grew old enough to date, skin tone had little bearing on my choices, although I knew that I wanted to marry a black man.
As you mentioned in your article, I had the “black is beautiful” epiphany around my junior year of high school. I was outside having step practice when I requested that we move into the shade because I didn’t want to get “too black.” It was then, that the captain of the Squad questioned what was so wrong with being “too black?” I didn’t have an answer. From that point on, I started to embrace my color so much that my main goal, when taking trips to the beach with friends, is to return as the blackest berry! Yes, dark-skinned people tan too! To extend on the advice, “love the skin, shape, and features that God gave you,” I’d like to note that if you don’t love and except yourself, it WILL show and it WILL NOT attract anyone…of any race.
Great post!
.-= Natalie Wright´s last blog ..In My Mind | Clutch Magazine: The Digital Magazine for the Young, Contemporary Woman of Color =-.
An excellent indictment on the psyche of many in both America and where I am in the Caribbean! As a black woman I myself developed a ‘preference’ but from the opposite end of the spectrum. My motto used to be “The darker the berry…” and no light skinned brother could get the time of day from me. As a teenager I admired all things African or African inspired. I wore my hair natural when it wasn’t the trendy thing to do. I loved my blackness. Perhaps this was where the ‘type’ I so preferred gained its roots.
While my friends dated outside the race, especially while I was living in Europe, I gravitated towards dark-skinned men. Foolish? Maybe. Limiting? Quite possibly. Maybe I did miss out on something during those years. And even as I sometimes end up ‘unlucky in love’, and threaten to abandon the race, I honestly know I am all talk. Love comes in all colors they say. I know who I am. I have learned.
I just pray that God gives me grace and understanding when looking for a partner that I seek what is important: Honesty, Respect, Understanding, Love. No matter the shade it may come in.
Great Post Delano!! You’re quite talented my brother!! I agree with you, that race or ethnicity should have no bearing in choosing our mate. I think with me being of the “older generation” i remember growing up in the 70’s and it was considered cool by the other “brothers” if you had a white girlfriend. For some reason, maybe fear that my mom or granny would slap the black out of me, i never dated a woman of a different race but i see as the generations have passed, it’s becoming more and more prevalent and not an oddity as before. I almost get the impression as i watch the younger generation, it seems to be cool to be black now. I see more and more Caucasian youngsters navigating towards our culture which will result in more interracial relationships. As noted before, check your heart as to why you’re dating that person and if it’s a pure motive and you have true love then you should go for it. I have a interracial couple that our friends and she sent out a post on fb, whether interracial marriages are biblical. It was interesting. I will see if i can locate and send to you.
Bro. Ray
This is a never ending conversation in the Black community, but I appreciate the spin you put on it “ask WHY not WHO.” I am in no way against interracial dating that is genuine in its form (i.e. two people purely attracted to each other because of personality, interests, etc.) However, I don’t support interracial relationships that are a result of pressure or basically giving up on one race and thus shutting them out. Or those based on stereotypes, and so relationships are formed as a result testing the truth of those ideas.
In the past few months, I’ve received advice from some of my friends and co-workers to “go ahead and get you a white man. If these brothas don’t got it together, don’t waste your time.” I usually just laugh. I don’t want to pursue a relationship with someone of the other race as if it’s some type of experiment, rebound project, or psychological game with myself. If I choose to date someone out of my race, I need to make sure the reason I am doing it is sincere…and that it is measured against the same standards I use in considering/being in a relationship with someone of my own race.
Great conversation piece Mr. Squires!
I’m not going to go too deep into this one…There was similar post on interracial dating and it kind of got heated. I just want to say people are people. I think parents of all races should teach their children that they are beautiful and to love what every race they are. They should teach them to take pride in who they are and be proud of their people’s heritage.
Very safe article indeed. I enjoyed it but I must add a few things. While black men and non black women are more common, before the Civil Rights era most inter racial relationships involving a black person was with a black woman. For obvious reasons, it was dangerous for a black man, especially outside “enlightened” areas of the North to be with other than a black woman.
Yes, there has been a preference for light skinned men among black women. Thats all changed because of the fact that darker black men have made themselves incredibly desirable.
Also, all this talk about loving who you love no matter the color and not limiting your options (now the new motto for empowered black women) is really down to privileging white men and women. When was the last time anyone told a white man or woman not to limit their options? When was the last time anyone told a white woman to get with a non white man? Its so insulting to black people to be constantly told that out there yonder there is a perfect drama free, stress free life, with all the disposable income you can think of, once you get you a white person.
It was the same message we were told before integration. Once you can be with white people, live next to them, eat with them, etc. than you have made it to the promised land. Where are our black owned businesses and institutions that we needed because of segregation?
I say all of this as a black woman who is married inter racially. Been there, done that.
@Alicia
Your arent missing out. Why is it now radical for a black woman to want a black man. Now black women have to explain themselves when they want a black man. They are told they are fools. I cant believe this. Has anyone told you to open your options to short men or fat men? Granted race isnt analogous to being short or fat, it however must be stressed that your preferences should be non negotiable.
Micheal Martin
Well it isnt parents who need to teach their children anything it is grown supposedly sane black adults who are misty eyed and mystified. Our children are learning for us. Now we have this incoherent movement of black women who think the answers to their problems lie with excluding black men from their dating people. If you believe them when they say it is about opening their options, it isnt. It always begins with a list of all the ills of black men.
Anyway our children probably need to teach us.
@NappyKitchen
See i didn’t wanna say it….but you actually said what i was thinking and made the point I was trying to make also… The reasoning for the whole “black women opening their options ” is base off negative stereotypes and propaganda put out against the black man that apparently has some women believing this is how ALL black men are. to me all it is a tool to keep the black inferiority complex going…. I didn’t wanna take it here but the truth is the truth…
My views on interracial dating in many ways has matured over the years. I now simply see interracial dating as just a matter of expanding your dating palette, if you will. Why not? Much like your cullinary palette, I beleive we should try different things to expand our horizons. We should open our eyes to things outside the comfort zone we in the African American community often custom make to fit like an european cut suit. However, inkeeping with the camparison to food: nothing is like home cooking. You may go around and sample everything but ultimately home cooking is often the best for you.
Ultimately what do you want out of dating? Most of us would say we want to find someone to settle down and possibly start a family. I just can’t see myself doing that with anyone but a black woman. No small part of that is due to the obligation I feel to past generations to raise black kids. Those past generations had to deal with being told what they were wasn’t quality or didn’t muster up to a standard not set by us. So having kids outside of that would be conformation of that in my eyes. So in short, date outside your race all you want but you should find your way back to that home cooking.
@ alicia date who you want, no one is going to live your life but you… i am so tired of of this black and white issue. if we could step out of the past and concentrate on the future our kids would be better off. kids learn what we teach them. they are not born liking or disliking anyone or anything. parents,teachers and t.v. teach them to view other races in a negative light. i saw my hubby and he saw me and we fell in love at first sight. i cant imagine how lost i would be w/o him if i was as closed minded as a lot black woman are. our beautiful children would not be born and i would not be as happy as i am and its all because i decided i was going to go against the flow of negativity and rise above the prejudice that we as blacks are served up on a daily basis. if i didnt i would be as lonely as a lot of my friends are. my husband is one of the good ones no matter his skintone/race. there is nothing wrong with dating/marrying outside of our race. the “home cooking is still just as good” maybe even better.
BMWK, have you ever been infected with “the virus� How have perceptions of race, beauty, and desirability affected your dating decisions? How would you suggest the black community combat these stereotypes?
My reply:
No, I can honestly say that I havent been infected with the virus. Thanks to my rebelliousness/indigenous spirit for rejecting abuse and injustice. When other black folks disparaged me for having dark skin, I rejected them, and moved the hell on. In fact I chopped my hair off and am wearing it natural. I work for a corporation. The majority of the white people, and other non-black people gave me endless compliments while the black people looked at me in disbelief—and anger.
My husband is a tall, medium build, dark African with symmetrical facial features. Ive also seen Jewish, Arab, North Asian, and some Latino men with similar features. When I look at my husband I do see my reflection. But, Id be open to any man from any ethnic group who would treat me well.
Respectfully, black men are in DENIAL about their own self-hatred, attitudes, and behaviors have contaminated our so called community. Black men are in denial about the man shortage statistics, incarceration statistics, special education statistics, and mental health statistics for themselves. Instead of hooking with folks like Minister Farrakhan who may have the wisdom and resources to reeducate or correct the pathologies within their group, they consistently blame us for what is wrong: the 70% of children born out of wedlock are from BLACK men not any other group of men. Yet the blame is placed on the woman and she crucified by the black community and scourged by the society.
Bell Hooks book about black male masculinity comes to mind: many black women assume that black men who are reformed and given resources will SHARE their wealth with them. Its not happening. All of t hose issues can NO longer be put on our backs as black women.
I do believe that a lack of ethnic self-respect is responsible for black men who date out but I reject the assertion that is why black women date out.
To the reader who said” this is an endless discussion in the black community.”
I 100% Co-sign and this will be my last comment on this issue. This issue isn’t going to go away, and infact, I expect it to become more frequent, intense, and challenging when the 2010 Census or some other data comes that shows just how many black men have married non-black women. When that percentage reach 50% or more you will see folks become hysterical and fearful. Many of us are in denial about what is going on. In my area, I see the majority of professional black men with white, Latina, or Asian women. In fact, I even see the black men in the slums with trailer park white girls. So class isn’t even the issue.
I believe in supporting all marriages and families who want to thrive. But I can’t in good conscience agree that there are legions of black men waiting for black women, when government agencies, private actuaries, and investigative journalists are screaming from the mountains on high that there is a problem. And after all of the black male and black female bashing, disparaging, and psychological violence we have inflicted on one another, I cant imagine we have anything left to give each other.
There is a problem and God knows best.
Little black girls should know that race should not be a factor in deciding a good mate.
@BusyBee
You response was disappointing. Dont bring up Bell Hooks. She is a crook. This isnt a chicken and egg debate. Black male incarceration, mental health issues, etc. have a common denominator- single parenthood. Yes they are the children of black men but they are the wards of black women. Black women ARE NOT crucified for being single mothers. Michelle Obama has yet to come on national T.V. and crucify women who made the decision to have children out of wedlock like her husband did, who happens to be the POTUS on Father’s Day, of all days. Will he do it this time around? Single mothers in the black community are treated as Saints.
Most black men do share their resources with black women because while 14% or so of married black men are married to non black women 86% of married black men are married to black women. Still black men are choosing no one over black women not non black women over black women. It is a far bigger issue that few black men are even married than the few of them who are married and not married to black women.
I have tons of respect for Louis Farakhan, no doubt. He does need to step it up when it comes to promoting marriage in the black community as he has in the past. The Church certainly will not. Maybe the Mosque/Temple should.
Lastly I think black women need to take ownership in how they see themselves as minority women in America. Who other than black women put perms in their daughters hair?
Nappy Kitchen,
When looking at married black men in the U.S. as a whole the percentage that are married to black women is higher than what it would be if you look only at black men who married in 2008. That’s because there’s a lot of older couples included. According to the 2008 Census, 22% of black men who wed married non-black women compared to 9% of black women. I wouldn’t be surprised if the percentage of black men married to non-black women was higher among upperclass black men.
This may be true,at least to the degree that racial stereotyping of blacks occurs,but since the black man is regarded as BY FAR the more desirable partner,espeically in looks and libido-WHICH MOST WOMEN WANT FROM THEIR MEN-to the black woman re. other races/groups of men,this thread seems another attempt by the black woman to guilt us handsome black lads into dating them!!!
I’m sure there are absent-minded idiots who say “I’m only gonna date/look at Asians (or white girls…or black girls)” and to those people I say that I hope you grow up and date or marry a person that compliments you as a person. But to think that a person needs to dedicate their dating lives/ life to preserving the esteem of their people, is a scary thought and an outdated concept that is quickly becoming obsolete.
When you say that “we do ourselves a disservice when we esteem certain physical features and degrade others for no logical reason at all” I can’t help but to think of how we as black men do that all the time when we talk about the importance of a “phat ass”. People like what they like, why does it have to be logical? Furthermore, what is a logical preference to begin with?Sure there is racial bias, along with gender bias, sexuality bias, religious bias. That comes with integrating into the ‘whole’ of America or any other group consciousness (do you think black america does not have internal biases?) and hopefully mature adults can overcome them to make smart decisions for their lives, but this was destined to happen as the dreams our civil rights leaders of the past came into fruition. It is the job of parents to reinforce the beauty of black skin, not mine. It’s my job to date, marry and have kids with a person that I find physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally attractive. To look at it any other way, I believe, is to be short-sighted. We should never encourage black people to be attracted to race, but to admire and be attracted to character traits that will enrich their own lives. Plenty of black/black relationships end up in divorce, …just like other racial combinations (go figure). Thanks for bringing up the topic. I think its an important one even though I disagree with your stance.
Hey there! I understand this is sort of off-topic however I needed to ask.
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Appreciate it!