By Edward Lee
Recently I was at For Sister’s Only (FSO) in DC. The reported attendance was over 20,000 – of course most were women.
It felt like I must have spoken to at least half of them about their marriage or relationships. And there seemed to be a recurring theme in these conversations with both married and single women that still is “impacting” me. A large number of the conversations revealed the resolve of women, that through forced smiles, admitted to giving up on ever finding happiness in their marriage. They had essentially been numbed into submission of feeling for or even desiring their husband.
Conversation after conversation these wives stated that the root of their marital problems was that their husband was caught in a mid-life crisis. After about the tenth conversation I began to really pay attention to just how many relationships were going through the same thing. Which makes it probable that many of the BMWK readers are now or have been there too.
Although I was talking to different women it seemed like they were each describing the same man. In each case they described a husband that “sat around” either drinking, smoking, or not working, not helping with the bills, and generally disinterested in the marriage. (Man, I wish I could have talked to the husbands, to get the scoop from their perspective.)
Now, these very well may be symptoms of those caught in a mid-life crisis. But I think the typical behavior that comes to mind when most think about a mid-life crisis is of someone trying to recapture their youth with a younger person, dying away all of the gray and buying a sports car. In my opinion, without ever meeting or talking to these spouses, it could be that these husbands were experiencing what could be called a “mid-marriage crisis.”
Much different than a mid-life crisis, a mid-marriage crisis is a husband or wife that is succumbing to their missed or mismanaged expectations. Generally speaking, it is the place where the cumulation of arguments past, with all of the walls of demarcation and “let’s not talk about that” zones, render a spouse quiet and emotionally boxed out.
The mid-marriage crisis is something that every relationship is susceptible to. Yet most relationships fail to develop a plan to avoid allowing distance from creeping in and causing a crisis of disinterest.
So how do you avoid such a crisis in your marriage? Here are a few suggestions that my wife and I use:
- Make and Keep Goals: Break out of the marital lethargy with some fresh goals and perspectives. Write three sets of goals: personal, couple and family. Then share your goals with each other. How can you help your partner achieve some of their personal goals? What mutual goals do the two of you have?
- Financial Management: Plan, talk and work together to avoid financial stress on your relationship. Financial stress has a way of making it feel like the walls are closing in on you, like no other type of stress you can face. Although it sometimes takes time to overcome financial obstacles, make a plan – together.
- Get Away: Ok, I am guilty of this one – big time. Make time to get away from “life” for a day, a weekend, a week, whatever the case – just go. The reasons getting away is so important is twofold. First, it gives your relationship something to look forward to and stay excited about. Second, it allows for some one-on-one alone time – no further explanation will be provided on that one.
- Intimacy: Intimacy is sex, but also so much more. Stay close to your spouse by taking up a project, reading a book together, just get active doing something together. Be intentional about being close and spending time together working toward a better marriage. Another big part of intimacy is communication. Spend time talking and more importantly listening.
Surely, there are other things that can be done to avoid hitting a marriage crisis. So BMWK, how have you and your spouse been able to avoid a mid-marriage crisis. Or, how have you gotten out of your mid-marriage crisis?
Edward is an Ordained Minister, Bible College Professor, Pastoral Marriage Counselor, and Author of two first of its kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and the soon to be released e-book, Husbands, Wives, God: 52 Week Devotional. To learn more about Edward and Husbands, Wives, God go to edwardclee.com or follow on facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.