By Edward Lee
Recently I was at For Sister’s Only (FSO) in DC. The reported attendance was over 20,000 – of course most were women.
It felt like I must have spoken to at least half of them about their marriage or relationships. And there seemed to be a recurring theme in these conversations with both married and single women that still is “impacting” me. A large number of the conversations revealed the resolve of women, that through forced smiles, admitted to giving up on ever finding happiness in their marriage. They had essentially been numbed into submission of feeling for or even desiring their husband.
Conversation after conversation these wives stated that the root of their marital problems was that their husband was caught in a mid-life crisis. After about the tenth conversation I began to really pay attention to just how many relationships were going through the same thing. Which makes it probable that many of the BMWK readers are now or have been there too.
Although I was talking to different women it seemed like they were each describing the same man. In each case they described a husband that “sat around” either drinking, smoking, or not working, not helping with the bills, and generally disinterested in the marriage. (Man, I wish I could have talked to the husbands, to get the scoop from their perspective.)
Now, these very well may be symptoms of those caught in a mid-life crisis. But I think the typical behavior that comes to mind when most think about a mid-life crisis is of someone trying to recapture their youth with a younger person, dying away all of the gray and buying a sports car. In my opinion, without ever meeting or talking to these spouses, it could be that these husbands were experiencing what could be called a “mid-marriage crisis.”
Much different than a mid-life crisis, a mid-marriage crisis is a husband or wife that is succumbing to their missed or mismanaged expectations. Generally speaking, it is the place where the cumulation of arguments past, with all of the walls of demarcation and “let’s not talk about that” zones, render a spouse quiet and emotionally boxed out.
The mid-marriage crisis is something that every relationship is susceptible to. Yet most relationships fail to develop a plan to avoid allowing distance from creeping in and causing a crisis of disinterest.
So how do you avoid such a crisis in your marriage? Here are a few suggestions that my wife and I use:
- Make and Keep Goals: Break out of the marital lethargy with some fresh goals and perspectives. Write three sets of goals: personal, couple and family. Then share your goals with each other. How can you help your partner achieve some of their personal goals? What mutual goals do the two of you have?
- Financial Management: Plan, talk and work together to avoid financial stress on your relationship. Financial stress has a way of making it feel like the walls are closing in on you, like no other type of stress you can face. Although it sometimes takes time to overcome financial obstacles, make a plan – together.
- Get Away: Ok, I am guilty of this one – big time. Make time to get away from “life” for a day, a weekend, a week, whatever the case – just go. The reasons getting away is so important is twofold. First, it gives your relationship something to look forward to and stay excited about. Second, it allows for some one-on-one alone time – no further explanation will be provided on that one.
- Intimacy: Intimacy is sex, but also so much more. Stay close to your spouse by taking up a project, reading a book together, just get active doing something together. Be intentional about being close and spending time together working toward a better marriage. Another big part of intimacy is communication. Spend time talking and more importantly listening.
Surely, there are other things that can be done to avoid hitting a marriage crisis. So BMWK, how have you and your spouse been able to avoid a mid-marriage crisis. Or, how have you gotten out of your mid-marriage crisis?
Edward is an Ordained Minister, Bible College Professor, Pastoral Marriage Counselor, and Author of two first of its kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and the soon to be released e-book, Husbands, Wives, God: 52 Week Devotional. To learn more about Edward and Husbands, Wives, God go to edwardclee.com or follow on facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.
Anonymous says
Thanks for this post! Last week I was trying to put a name to my feelings….and “mid-marriage crisis” is perfect. I have spoken with my hubby about my feelings and he agrees that we have fallen in a rut. We have committed to making more time and not allowing the walls to go up.
Cryforhelp says
I am in this situation at this very moment. My husband is missing out on life. He blames me for everything wrong in our marriage. Yet, he’s on probation at 30 years old for driving while suspended, having weed in the car and a gun. Yet its my fault that he has to go to drug meetings and probation meetings and I can’t take him. I feel like Im not perfect, I need to do better myself but as far as me blaming him for why I am not perfect, I can’t do it. He’s checked out on life but he thinks since he looks good, has a little money in his pocket and goes to school, he’s ok…
ladee locks says
Pray first. More than anything, this needs to be first, because God can move in your husband’s heart in a way that you cannot. Then ask God to give you discernment about what’s going on with him and how you can help. Once God answers you, waste no time, and speak from the heart to your husband about how you want to reclaim that spark that your relationship once had. Working together on common goals can help, but there may be areas of his life that only he can effect change, and you can simply support him by praying him through it.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Great post and tips on avoiding the mid-marriage crisis.
My tip is: Take action…so many people just let things happen in their lives and marriage because of their lack of action. If you are bored…then do something, if your finances are a mess..then implement a budget or find someone that can help you with it. If your communication with your spouse is poor, find a counselor or a mentor. Take Action!!
Anonymous says
@Cryforhelp – If I could offer any encouragement. Fight for your marriage. Find a “good” counselor – even if your husband won’t go with you. Find one for yourself, so you can have some support, someone to talk to. You may even want to suggest a date night, for you and your husband to hang out a little in a pressure free environment and have some fun. With the hope that at some point it will lead to conversation about the relationship.