It can happen to any relationship””all of the emotional and physical energy that goes with sustaining a marriage, family, house and career can push all the “friendship” out of a relationship. You can wake up one day to the realization that we exist in the same house, but we are not friends like we used to be. Laughing has become a rarity because everything facing the relationship just seems so serious, intimacy is sometimey because all the energy goes to the kids and your conversations have become guarded. In the final analysis, remaining friends consistently with your spouse can be a challenge.
My wife and I recently had a chance to talk about this over a rare night out for dinner at a favorite restaurant. We both left that evening realizing that it was probably one of the best conversations we have had in our 14 years together. We had a chance to analyze where time, pressure and responsibility have challenged areas of our friendship. There are a few things I took from that conversation that remain with me.
1. Definitions. How do you define being a friend? My wife’s definition and mine were different. I gave three areas that were important to me and she gave three completely different areas of importance to her, when it comes to friendship.
2. Acceptance. Knowing what my wife needs and expects as a friend helps me to be a better friend. I am learning to accept the things she needs and expects as a friend instead of just giving her friendship from my vantage point.
3. Patience. Being a friend to your husband or wife has to be fortified with a lot of patience. From a man’s point of view, I don’t always understand what my wife is talking about. Am I alone? But I realize that whether I agree or not is secondary to how I respond as a friend. I don’t have to agree with whether my wife should be upset about what happened at work or not. I just have to patiently show that I am concerned by listening.
4. Friendship is work. There are so many things competing for our attention but the work and consistency it takes to maintain the friendship in a marriage is as important as everything else that is going on.
So BMWK, how do you fight through everything that is going on to remain friends in your marriage?