It can happen to any relationship””all of the emotional and physical energy that goes with sustaining a marriage, family, house and career can push all the “friendship” out of a relationship. You can wake up one day to the realization that we exist in the same house, but we are not friends like we used to be. Laughing has become a rarity because everything facing the relationship just seems so serious, intimacy is sometimey because all the energy goes to the kids and your conversations have become guarded. In the final analysis, remaining friends consistently with your spouse can be a challenge.
My wife and I recently had a chance to talk about this over a rare night out for dinner at a favorite restaurant. We both left that evening realizing that it was probably one of the best conversations we have had in our 14 years together. We had a chance to analyze where time, pressure and responsibility have challenged areas of our friendship. There are a few things I took from that conversation that remain with me.
1. Definitions. How do you define being a friend? My wife’s definition and mine were different. I gave three areas that were important to me and she gave three completely different areas of importance to her, when it comes to friendship.
2. Acceptance. Knowing what my wife needs and expects as a friend helps me to be a better friend. I am learning to accept the things she needs and expects as a friend instead of just giving her friendship from my vantage point.
3. Patience. Being a friend to your husband or wife has to be fortified with a lot of patience. From a man’s point of view, I don’t always understand what my wife is talking about. Am I alone? But I realize that whether I agree or not is secondary to how I respond as a friend. I don’t have to agree with whether my wife should be upset about what happened at work or not. I just have to patiently show that I am concerned by listening.
4. Friendship is work. There are so many things competing for our attention but the work and consistency it takes to maintain the friendship in a marriage is as important as everything else that is going on.
So BMWK, how do you fight through everything that is going on to remain friends in your marriage?
Ychauntee says
Ooh Jesus I needed this message this morning. Forwarding to the hubby right now.
Afraid and Lost says
The was needed, however what if you aren’t friends in your marriage? What if you’re more like roommates? I’ve been married for 14 years and out of those years maybe 1 was ok. He married me, I believe, because I was pregnant with our first child. Not because he loved me unconditionally, at least that’s how I feel. And his actions show it too. This marriage thing is really really hard, especially when you try and try and pray and pray and cry and cry, only to get the same results. I belong to all the Christian blogs, none of which have any answers for me, although they are very inspiring and hopeful. I here nothing but positive comments of how great thy husband is and how great their relationship is, what they did for their husband, what their husband did for them…etc. But is there anyone who she gone through like me? Where u have felt alone in your marriage, unloved, unappreciated, more like burden than a blessing? Is there any woman that has gone through this but can honestly say now that your marriage is better then ever? That God has turned the relationship totally around? I need to hear from you before I do something I will regret for the rest of my life. I need to know that God has not turned His back on me. Some don’t understand how it feels to live with someone, year after year, in your face, laying next to you night after night, and you not feel love from that person and that person be your spouse.
Nylse says
email me…[email protected] – we can chat off line. I understand what you’re saying and where you are at. there’s hope.
N.D. says
You can email me off line as well at [email protected]. There is hope.
Sista Friend says
Hi “Strengthen in the Lord”,
Email me at [email protected]
Sista Friend says
Sorry typo….it’s [email protected]
Mrskcbrown says
Yes i have been there too. I see you have gotten many emails to chat further so i will let you do that. Im sure these sistahs have great insight for you. Keep your head up, God has not forgotten you!
LadA says
email me sweetie
Anonymous says
Afraid & Lost, there are two books I’d like to recommend: The Love Dare https://thelovedarebook.com/ and Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Both of these books challenge us as wives to reevaluate how we express love for our spouses.
For example, I may think I’m being loving to my husband by saying “I love you” or making his coffee for him or organizing his things. But for him, that isn’t how he needs love expressed. He needs for me to compliment him and encourage him with my words. He needs physical touch to feel loved also.
Being the wife and friend my husband needs me to be isn’t about my expectations, it’s about his – and whether I’m meeting those. I believe that’s the key to finding fulfillment in your marriage.
Afraid and Lost says
I appreciate your comments. I have the the Love Dare, and I will look into the other one. Before I jump to conclusions I want to make sure that I understand where you are coming from. Are saying that I need to be more concerned with the love I am showing my husband as opposed to the love he shows me? If so, been there done that. I have no problem showing my husband love, affection or affirmation. Whether its support on important decisions, support on his job, telling him how much of a good provider he is to the family, warming his work car when its cold, driving to mc donalds every morning to get his coffee (cause that’s the only coffee he will drink) making sure his clothes are clean, complimenting him when he looks nice….etc. I can go on and on. And I do this how of reverence for him. I do this as on to the Lord, regardless of how unappreciated or unloved I feel. Even though I never see the sparkle in his eye when I walk into the room. So let me ask you, most women or people in general like to feel appreciated and loved. Every woman I know likes to feel wanted every now and then, or get a compliment once in awhile. I want it from my husband. Is this wrong?
Guest T says
ANL, I don’t think that what you want and expect from your husband is wrong. There is a possibility that it’s not you at all, maybe there is something going on that he has not shared with you. If you are affirming him as you say you are, you are showing and saying how much you love you husband, then you have done what you need to do for him. Prayerfully you have also shared with him how you feel in a manner to where he isn’t second guessing it, and he isn’t feeling like you’re nagging him about it. I have found that men sometimes don’t know how to really express their love and appreciation for their wives; be it that they came from a background where they didn’t see it/receive it, or whatever the reason. Be gentle in your approach, pray, and stand firm that you want to know that the person you said “I Do” with knows that your heart longs to hear and feel the love from him. Trust me, been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and I’m STILL riding that ride!
Afraid and Lost says
Thank you. I will continue to stand on God’s promises, as I always have. It just gets very lonely and frustrating at times. My husband is fully aware of how I feel from past conversations as well as many letters that have been written to him, so he is not blind to any of these things. Most days I feel like I am not gonna make it. But as the same time I have to believe God at His word and He is not a God that He should lie.
Thank you again
erika says
I hear all that you’re saying sis, and honestly I thought you would have heard from a lot more people regarding this issue considering how many people read this blog. That’s very discouraging. I just wanted to say that I am praying for you and your husband. I am not married however I can only imagine how you must feel. Regardless of the fact that no one has really said ” hey I understand, hey I’m going through that or hey I want to fill wanted and needed.” I too struggle with the same thing. It’s a little different for me because I am single and celibate, which is hard I’m not gonna lie but yet I can’t imagine being married to a person and feeling alone and wondering everyday is the person you’re with the one that hand picked just for you. It hurts me to read. Sis you are not alone and I will lift you up in prayer God knows who you are. He hears you. He sees what you’re going through. Sis try and focus on Him (God) alone. Restore your relationship with Him. Please be encouraged.
Frustrated2 says
I understand exactly where you are coming from. I have the same questions a you because I am ready to call it quits. I have been in a loveless marriage for almost 22 years, I have read all the books, now his Love Languages, and put it all to practice. It seems the more you try the worse he gets. I wish I had an answer for you, but I am at my wits end as well. I will pray for you and your marriage. God Bless.
Anonymous says
Thanks for your openness. I try to be transparent – within reason, about my own marriage. The first years of my marriage and dating years were challenging (I wrote about it in my first book). It was important for me to say that this recent conversation re: friendship was one of the more important ones we have had in our 14 years, because it was my way of saying “marriage is tough”. For fourteen years we have been learning, re-learning and constantly adjusting when it comes to knowing how to be friends. It is a constant work as well as a challenge that many couples have. I think a lot of ppl can identify with your comments through their own situations – I know I can. If you would like a free copy of my book where I talk about how to “come together” from a spiritual perspective in marriage, shoot me an email at [email protected]. God Bless!
GUEST79 says
Afraid and Lost, You are NOT alone. Although our situations are little different the basic feelings (especially the crying, praying, trying, etc)! This gave me hope that I am not alone but I TOO want to have more plausible information to press. I go to church every week, pray daily, read, meditate…(I’m a good Christian) but I feel like God hears my prayer in every area BUT my marriage. Giving up at this point is not an option for my fear to walk out and start over and I have small kids that adore their father. TIRED! But I keep hearing God’s word in my hear but I too, need more. Friends…no way, not at this house. 🙁
I just shrug my shoulders ALL day.
Afraid and Lost says
Ladies my heart goes out to all of you. It grieves my spirit that we are going though what we are going through. But as I continue to stand on His word for my marriage I will stand for you as well. The enemy likes where we are in our marriages cause he hates marriage and family. That’s why we are under attack. BUT GOD…@ frustrated2 I have read many books as well. It’s not easy…BUT GOD….that’s what I have to keep saying. I have never seen the righteous forsaken and our God is not a respecter of persons! We have to come out on top because God already paid the price, we have already won. Our brighter days are ahead…what’s to come, is better than what’s been. As hard as it is for me to say it, we have to believe that! The enemy wants us to give up and walk away, but ladies we can’t!
Mahedi says
Afraid and Lost
I feel moved by the experience. We need to move from where we get stuck. You seem to have stack at the pregnancy fro fourteen years now. You may either start from there going backwards or forward. If you go backwards you will find the sport when the intimacy that led to pregnancy was alive. Pick from there go a different direction He will eventually follow you, there might be some photos of such moments, clothes you wore those days, something that will make both of you bring into your life that past memory. Make them available at dinner table, watch such old movies as often as possible. In doing so it might trigger the renewal of that intimacy and from there on go forward.
Keesha says
Ok sista’s…this is what I want to say. I’ve been to all these places..and back…and there..and back, a few times, so you are not alone and unfortunately,many of us just suffer in silence. It breaks my heart too, because, we’re all family, right? Today, however, I’m (we are- my hubby& I) are in a good place, and I thank God. What I have realized, or concluded about most marriage issues– as I often search for solutions, is this reality: God can work with a WILLING heart. When it gets bad, hubby and I have decided to start with the following list.. (and it seems to work)
1. Both must agree that there IS an issue2. Both must agree that we WANT to fix it and figure it out
3. Both must agree that we STILL love each other, (even if we don’t like each other at the time)
4. Both must agree that we WILL fight for our marriage..
If we can agree on these points, ONLY THEN can we delve into the REAL MEAT of the problem. Problems which is some way, shape, or form are often a miscommunication or misunderstanding (whether it’s one’s feelings, expectations, wants, needs, etc.), which left one person feeling unappreciated, underappreciated, or just plain ‘ol pissed…
We (hubby& I) know it’s a fight. We agree we are WILLING to fight, as hard as it is..
Remember, God also said “My yolk is easy”….
I’ll pray for you, and please, pray for me!
Renee says
Afraid and lost. You are not alone and you are not wrong to feel as you do. I’m in a similar situation but it is starting to come together…finally…still a lot of work to do though. We have been together 17 years. Last year, after a series of deaths in the family, I realized that I wasn’t willing to take it anymore. Life is too short. I contemplated divorce but was (am) reluctant to break up my family just because I am unhappy. So I decided to get back to doing the things that I enjoy doing whether my husband was onboard or not. I bought some pretty dresses and went out with my girlfriends. I took a few trips, most alone but a few with the kids. It wasn’t an attempt to neglect him or to try to make him jealous but something I needed. I also had to take time alone and think about what I want out of this marriage as well as what I may not be providing. Was my marriage the cause of my unhappiness or was I just using it as a n excuse not to live the life I want? I will pray for you and your husband and am still praying for me and my husband. I am still hopeful because today a year later, my hand is not door knob ready to call it quits. Oh yeah, it was very helpful for me to talk to people who had been married a while to see that others had made it through similar situations. Finally, people also have suggested those two books for me to read.
Tkminor says
I wish you all had posted to her comment here… I too feel just as she does and it would have been fantastic to read the responses.
What About? says
This is new to me and the first time I am seeking counseling or support on a blog. My husband and I have been married for only 5yrs going on 6 in March and for the past year and one month we have been separated. At first I took it hard because I looked at my husband as being my best friend sometimes my only friend because you look at the biblical principals and cleave right? Well, when you are the only one cleaving and there is no communication the wife does all the talking and the husband just does all of the listening its hard. Because we are also a blended family it’s extra hard 9 children altogether and past unresolved issues with that is HARD!! Being the only son or brother out of 4 sisters is definitely no understand I was excluded from the door. I was told that I wasn’t liked because of how we got married and my husband always made excuses. I think of the vows that was made through sickness and health for richer and poorer I was there for the hard times faithfully praying an believing God while my husband is a we will see. When my husband left me and the kids it wasnt brought to my attention until I was in the hospital because I tried to committ suicide because I felt it was over my only friend left me with nothing, I had no job, facing foreclosure, no lights, no food and he left!! After I got stronger and realized I’m not crazy, I had no one to share or had gone through what I was going through and could tell me it’s going to be alright. So I took the longer approach to fight for my marriage by asking him can we go to a counselor can we make it work? And then I started to get answers like I love you but I’m not in love with you. He is living between his mom and his sisters house that is a lesbian and has started there family by adopting a child. But the whole point in that I feel like its cheating because his sister is not married to the female and the sisters girlfriend likes men too. My husband has a routine he comes around every three weeks and he wants the sexual part of the marriage but says he’s not ready for the other parts.. He said he’s not ready to be a husband or a father. Just recently I said I fought for our marriage for a whole year and nothing…I’m tired! Our 14 year old son said to him Dad I heard my talking about a divorce but I think that is the easy way out.. It’s just like a video game and you can figure out how to cheat to beat the game. So please don’t do it. So if your husband is not willing to work on it then what? I am currently a ft mother that has a ft Job and is attending college ft trying to rebuild my life. And I continue to ask when? Why and what about me? As females “wives” we don’t get a break and I feel like he is on vacation! Signed I think I’m ready to move on.. Help my unbelief
jazz0 says
I feel your pain. If you fought, then just let go and let God. My husband and I just split recently and we have fell out over sex. He lives with a friend. He talks to his ex and has female friends that calls him at all times. He somehow felt because I was his wife, he loves me and is attracted to me that it’s ok for us to have sex. I tiold him from the start that is a no no. He has came several times to our home and forced me. I gave in after a few times. However Im standing my guns hard. If I have to press charges I will. There is no way I will be reduced down to being a a quick lay. Thats not fair to my feeling as a woman. You move forward and if he wants you in any way..it has to be on YOUR turns. I realize I hold the power to turn my situation around. Stand your ground and give it to God. If we aren’t good enough to fight for all the way then he don’t get to lay. Being friends is a great start and keeping things platonic. I tried to become friends with my husband in my marriage and he told me he didn’t want to be friends
ThedyB says
I love this article and thank the writer for his transparency. I completely agree with you! I think separating your spouse into the many things that they are: woman, man, wife, friend, mother, employee, etc…helps you then to adjust your expectations and become who you need to be to her. It helps loosen up the expectations that you have at the moment for her to only be a wife to you and vice versa. I was telling a guy who hated to hear all of his wife’s talking that for women, when we women are friends, talking a lot is how we connect, share, establish intimacy, relieve stress, get compassion, and it helps us to not feel like we are alone with a (yea girl, I feel ya). So when we get with a guy and in our mind, he is our best friend, we essentially replace all of our girlfriends with our new best friend, our husband. So consider yourself a “bulk” bestfriend to your wife. lol
LadA says
I have read all the comments and questions on here. Coming from a person who has pretty much seen it all in a marriage I can say to you that the issues you are having did not form overnight and will not be fixed overnight. The positive side is that they can be fixed with a willing heart from both parties. Communication is a very important factor in a relationship/marriage and should be used effectively. It’s not that men are not willing to listen to what you have to say but its how you present your concerns, wants, and needs. Learn to talk to your spouse and not at them. Express your concerns, or suggest you two do something that is just the two of you. Sometimes the routine of marriage gets so busy that yes we still love our mate but we stop liking them. We forget to be a friend. Rebuild the friendship that you once had or may have never had with them. As a spouse we wear many hats, hold many titles, and fill many positions but almost always leave out being a friend. Stand on God’s promises and stay in His word and prayer but don’t forget to put in work in your marriage on both ends. I am praying for each of you who are going through and remember God can fix anything but you first have to realize it’s broken.
dp says
I feel bad cuz I completely gave up after 1 yr. Of marriage no trust or communication..
dp says
And I lost respect..
kendra says
I like this website and all the feedback its very helpful.
My question is how do you keep going and dont give up on your marriage when u feel that.Before you got mmarried and had kids things were great now its like your room mates.everything seems to be more important than you.help.