Remember the Brady Bunch? When the show came on it played that much too familiar song that went something like… “Here’s a story of a lovely lady… and a man named Brady … and that’s the way they ALL became the Brady Bunch… ” In that perfect square with that perfect house and all six kids coming together in harmony.
Every episode ended in a resolution to whatever problem went on for that day. No matter what, the Brady’s worked it out didn’t they?
And so my fantasy perception of the blended family began. Little did I know that REAL blended families come with problems and issues, and other parents, and extended family and non biological kids, etc. After all, the Brady’s never seemed to worry about finances, custody, child support or bitter ex’s did they? I never saw Marsha, Jan and Cindy’s real father. They rarely even spoke of him or Peter, Greg and Bobby’s mother. Were they dead? Who knows. What we know now is that blended families are a lot more complex than we ever imagined.
Almost 2,100 blended families form in the United States every day and 68% of re-marriages involve children from prior marriages according to TheBondedFamily.com
Blended families come with a lot of layers and its not gonna be a “Brady” experience for everyone. One of the main things that I think that should be the focus when families connect themselves together through marriage are the kids. The children are going to be the only people in the whole situation who have no choice. They don’t get to choose who their mom or dad marries. They don’t get to choose the children that come along with that marriage.
When my husband and I chose to blend our families we were hoping it would be a piece of cake, but realized that we had to put in work. All we were certain of is that we loved each other and that we wanted it to work. My youngest son adapted pretty quickly to my new marriage and our new life in a different state and was comfortable from the beginning, but my oldest son…not so much. For him it took awhile. What we understand now is that younger children do adapt better in these situations. Here are 3 of the steps that we took for our blended family.
Decide on what the child should call the new parent
I don’t think you should force a kid to call another man/woman by mom/dad. If everyone is cool with it, then by all means make it happen. We gave ours a choice. One son calls my husband dad sometimes. The other refers to him as dad, but calls him by his nickname that we all use. Not a big issue for us.
Have a conversation with the child’s other parent
My husband and my sons father get along great. I believe that is because they had a necessary conversation about discipline, respect and expectations for our son in the beginning. They were on the same page so there was never any drama. Allow the other parent to have some say so. Discuss it and work it out no matter what.
Make your child understand that the new parent has authority
Sometimes as single parents we may tend to be a little more lenient on our kids. Or maybe you are more strict. When a new parent comes in some kids may think of them more as a friend/enemy but not as an authority figure. Younger children adapt easier than older ones but if you let them know upfront the adjustment will be easier.
On the flipside of this blended family puzzle, after 10 years of marriage my husband’s 15 year old son came to live with us and that was another tricky situation, because he was definitely an older child. When I agreed that he could come, I didn’t know how it would work out, but what I did know is that I love my husband and that I was going to do my best to make him feel comfortable and at home. Here are 7 more suggestions that we chose to do that helped him and could help you to make it through the transition into a blended family.
We never made him call me mom.
I never tried to be his mom. I took care of him and exacted discipline as if he was my own yes, but never tried to take his mother’s place. I think that’s a touchy issue for most kids and other parents as stated earlier. Sometimes he called me mom and sometimes he called me Stacey and I was ok with whatever made him comfortable.
Give them their own space.
We did not make him share a room when he got here. If you can, give them their own space. It has got to be hard to move from everything you know into a new place with different people. A private space like their own room will give them a safe place to relax and adjust.
Lay down the rules on day one
When kids come from other households they are really coming from another culture or another way of doing things. Make sure they understand what is acceptable and unacceptable in your household and do that from the start.
Allow them the time they need to adjust
Simple. Give them time to adjust. Don’t expect complete and total assimilation during those 1st few weeks/months. Rome was not built in a day. Time is essential.
Be patient
Nothing in life is perfect. Expecting children to NEVER act out sometimes is delusional. I don’t mean out of control behavior, but being allowed to express themselves emotionally. Be patient and choose your battles. Don’t make a big deal out of everything.
Never bad mouth the other parent
NEVER! This will only breed resentment and hatred. Also remember that no matter how you feel about the other parent the child loves that person. Dont hurt them by allowing your mouth to spill out things that the child really has nothing to do with.
While trying to write this post, my stepson (only referring to him as that for the sake of this article. He is my son) who is grown now and lives on his own, came over just to talk as he often does and I love that. It lets me know that through everything that he appreciates and respects me. I believe that in the end its all good. My biological sons also love and show respect to my husband. They also are grown now and all of them are respectable, well rounded young men. I think we did good. Either way if it can work out for me, then it can also work out for you. If you can figure out what is going to work best for you and your family and keep everything in the best interest of your kids, you can’t go wrong. All blended families differ much like a fingerprints, no two are exactly alike. Remember that when taking anyone’s advice. The important thing is to be a team and work together to eventually make the transition into a blended family a smoother one.
BMWK: What has your blended family experience been like?