Remember the Brady Bunch? When the show came on it played that much too familiar song that went something like… “Here’s a story of a lovely lady… and a man named Brady … and that’s the way they ALL became the Brady Bunch… ” In that perfect square with that perfect house and all six kids coming together in harmony.
Every episode ended in a resolution to whatever problem went on for that day. No matter what, the Brady’s worked it out didn’t they?
And so my fantasy perception of the blended family began. Little did I know that REAL blended families come with problems and issues, and other parents, and extended family and non biological kids, etc. After all, the Brady’s never seemed to worry about finances, custody, child support or bitter ex’s did they? I never saw Marsha, Jan and Cindy’s real father. They rarely even spoke of him or Peter, Greg and Bobby’s mother. Were they dead? Who knows. What we know now is that blended families are a lot more complex than we ever imagined.
Almost 2,100 blended families form in the United States every day and 68% of re-marriages involve children from prior marriages according to TheBondedFamily.com
Blended families come with a lot of layers and its not gonna be a “Brady” experience for everyone. One of the main things that I think that should be the focus when families connect themselves together through marriage are the kids. The children are going to be the only people in the whole situation who have no choice. They don’t get to choose who their mom or dad marries. They don’t get to choose the children that come along with that marriage.
When my husband and I chose to blend our families we were hoping it would be a piece of cake, but realized that we had to put in work. All we were certain of is that we loved each other and that we wanted it to work. My youngest son adapted pretty quickly to my new marriage and our new life in a different state and was comfortable from the beginning, but my oldest son…not so much. For him it took awhile. What we understand now is that younger children do adapt better in these situations. Here are 3 of the steps that we took for our blended family.
Decide on what the child should call the new parent
I don’t think you should force a kid to call another man/woman by mom/dad. If everyone is cool with it, then by all means make it happen. We gave ours a choice. One son calls my husband dad sometimes. The other refers to him as dad, but calls him by his nickname that we all use. Not a big issue for us.
Have a conversation with the child’s other parent
My husband and my sons father get along great. I believe that is because they had a necessary conversation about discipline, respect and expectations for our son in the beginning. They were on the same page so there was never any drama. Allow the other parent to have some say so. Discuss it and work it out no matter what.
Make your child understand that the new parent has authority
Sometimes as single parents we may tend to be a little more lenient on our kids. Or maybe you are more strict. When a new parent comes in some kids may think of them more as a friend/enemy but not as an authority figure. Younger children adapt easier than older ones but if you let them know upfront the adjustment will be easier.
I was a stepmother for 16 years (since she was 4 months old) and still consider myself so, she is now 19 years old. I am a divorced from her father and we have maintained our relationship. I struggled while married with being in a blended family. Mainly because it seemed that my stepdaughter could do no wrong in everyone’s eyes but I was always accused of being mean and treating her bad which was FAR from the truth. Truthfully she was a typical child, however after about 10 years deep, I realized that it was my relationship with my husband that was “off” and “terrible” that caused us so much struggle. These tips are very useful and I’m glad that I figured it out…eventually. I now know what I need for my future relationship with my own kids in a Blended Family. We need to be on the same page as a couple. I wrote a fiction novel (“Reality Check:Stepmother Chronicles”) based off of my experience (and of other women I know) and it was so therapeutic for me. I was blessed with a beautiful daughter and we interchangeably refer to each other as stepmom/stepdaughter and mom/daughter. I never made her call me mom, it was her choice. Its a choice to love each other in a blended family. It takes a conscious effort and prayer. I’m thankful for the experience and with the rate families are growing today, I am praying that blended families become stronger and remain forever families.
Why is it so terrible to refer to your spouses child as your “stepchild”?
He had a child before we married and we had two children together. It is obvious I am not her mother and she doesn’t consider me her mother. I am always there to pray and give advice but that’s about all. I grew up with step parents and the worse part was my biological parents trying to force the relationship.