by Eric Payne
I recently hosted a gathering at my home. During the festivities, I overheard two newly divorced women discussing life after marriage.
Woman Number 1: “Everything became final in November.”
Woman Number 2: “Mine was finalized in May. Doesn’t it feel good to be able to say that?”
Woman Number 1: “Yeah, girl. I feel so free now. He saw me and was like, ‘What’s going on, you’ve lost weight and everything. Why didn’t that happen when we were together?'”
Woman Number 2: “Shoot… ’cause you didn’t have to.”
Both women broke out into laughter. I moved away from the conversation as neither of them had invited me to participate.
Call me sensitive but a small part of me was saddened to hear Woman Number 2’s last comment. Not knowing the details, not knowing the potential pain and suffering received and/or caused by either of these two women, I wondered had they brought their A-game to the marriage table all the way to the end? Or did they give up somewhere along the line? Had their disintegrating relationships become such distractions for them that it caused them them to lose sight of their most precious treasure — themselves?
Lost In The Sauce
Many times in marriage we get so caught up in doing for that other person that we completely lose sight of ourselves. We get lost in the other person’s life and swirl about in a perpetual state of disappointment because our own wishes, wants, hopes and dreams are left unattended. In the end we often blame that other party — the spouse we’re on the outs with (regardless of their actual wrongs) for preventing us for being who we believe we ought to be. But barring a physically and/or emotionally abusive relationship or any other unhealthy codependent relationships, the only person preventing you from being all that you can be is you.
“Selflessness” Vs. Foolishness
Before an airplane departs the attendants insist that in the event of an emergency you place your own oxygen mask over your mouth FIRST before you attempt to help your fellow passengers. Even your own children. In theory this action goes against what we feel we are supposed to do to protect and care for the ones we love. We might even call it selfish behavior. But in practice how are you going to help anyone if you’re passed out in the aisle? Instead of trying to be superman or superwoman thinking you can defy biology and being of no use to anyone, take care of yourself FIRST so that you can help others. Think about it, other than in movies, how often do firefighters rush into burning buildings without their protective equipment to save someone and live to tell about it or actually save anyone?
Your Best You
Regardless of where one is in a relationship, no one should have the power to prevent you from being your best you. Pursue that degree. Stick to that pledge to lose weight. Run that marathon. Take baby steps if you have to, but just do it.
Whatever it is, your perspective on what is wrong in your love life will be much clearer when you make sure to do right by yourself first. Your life in general will be much better when you opt to do right by you — not at the expense of others but for the sake of them as well as yourself. Will you challenge yourself in 2011 to do right by you?
Eric is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook). He talks about being a man, dad and husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband and his Facebook Page. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.