Hi Dr. Buckingham,
My husband spends more time with his female friend than he does with me. We live together and have been married for four years now. He says that he is not going anywhere, but he continues to lie about his interactions with his friend.
I love my husband and take my marriage vows seriously, but I am wondering if my husband feels the same. At times, I think that she is his mistress. I am having trouble dealing with this.
How can I determine if my husband has a true friend or a side chick?
Nicole,
Dear Nicole,
Unfortunately, this is a common problem these days. There are so many women who are choosing to be side chicks because of the perceived benefits. They commit to married men because they do not have to deal with all of the challenges that come with marriage, but they reap sexual and financial benefits.
Because of this growing phenomenon, faithful women like you struggle with trusting your spouse.
While there are no full-proof methods for distinguishing side-chicks from true friends, here are three strategies that might help.
- Inquire about the nature of their relationship.
Ask how and where they met. True friendships typically develop over an extended period or as a result of meaningful experiences within a short time frame. There is an emotional connection that appears to stem from genuine care for each other.In contrast, side-chick friendships typically develop based on short-term needs and appear to be intellectually and physically stimulating. Men are likely to connect with side-chicks because they make them feel good and are okay with not being seen. On the other hand, true friends are more concerned about overall well-being, not just feelings. A true friend will encourage a married man to turn to his wife for comfort, not her.
- Listen to how he talks about his friend.
Generally speaking, men do not speak highly of their side chicks. They argue that they are just friends, but do not praise them in the same manner as a true friend. True friends typically have a place in a man’s heart.In comparison, side chicks typically have a place in a man’s mind and bed. Also, if she is a true friend, your husband should feel comfortable talking about her with you. Nervousness or being cautious is a sign that he is probably hiding something or doing something that is not right.Does he describe her like a playmate?
Does he turn to her for fun and not substance?
If he answers, “yes” to either question, she might be his side-chick. - Speak with your husband’s friend and assess her behavior.
If she is a friend of his, she should not have a problem with being a friend of yours. Pay attention to how she responds to you. Also, ask yourself the following questions:
Does she appear to be uninterested in making friends with you?
Does she feel uncomfortable around you even when you are friendly?
Does she try to outshine you physically and flirts with your husband?
And lastly, does she request or demand financial support from your husband?Many side-chicks enter into these kinds of relationships for selfish reasons that often center around finances and lack of self-worth. A woman who does not value herself will probably not value you. Her behavior toward you will help you determine if she is a true friend or side-chick.
I wish you well and pray that you find peace in your marriage. If you find that your husband is cheating, do not blame yourself. Relationships work best when two people can relate (connect and have sympathy for each other). Seek professional counseling to improve in this area.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.