Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I read something that you wrote on BMWK and I just felt so compelled to reach out for advice! I have been married to the man I felt was the one from the first time we met at the age of 14-15. We stayed together for a few years, we both were young and did some cheating in the relationship. My cheating landed me a baby at 17 and my husband who was my boyfriend at the time not being the father! We remained friends even though that was a hard blow. He went to jail off and on, and our relationship was the same off and on.
Somewhere down the line we decided to get married. Still very young, and not understanding really what marriage was, we did it anyway. Unfortunately, he landed himself in jail again and I was alone. I also learned about an affair that he had been having. Needless to say, the relationship ended with little to no communication and with him being in jail for about 6 years.
To speed this long story up, he has been in jail off and on most of his adult life and unfortunately I had another child while he was in jail. We got back together in 2011 after he was released from jail. We got married again and had our first child together. Unfortunately, he went back to jail for 22 months. Now, he is back home and is working 2 jobs. I see a change in him. However, he is no longer feeling the relationship. A few months ago, another woman’s husband informed me that my husband was having an affair with his wife. I found nude pictures and I love you messages between them. From what I found, the affair has been going on for 7 to 8 months.
He admitted to cheating because I caught him, but told me that he is not in love with the woman. We entered into marriage counseling and tried to repair our marriage. I wasn’t totally over the whole thing but I was working on me and us. As we were moving forward, I went through his emails and phone and found some more I love you messages between them. Now I feel like we are back at square one. He says he only lied to protect me and didn’t want to hurt me. He says that he doesn’t love this woman and was only saying that to keep her around to make her feel good. I’m lost and confused. I am not sure if he will ever be honest. I want to work it out and keep my family together but I am not sure if it’s worth it now because he continues to lie about the details. I can’t be sure if he really loved her or not. Can My Cheating Husband Change?
Read Dr. Buckingham’s response on the next page
Dear My Cheating Husband,
I do not like to pass judgment on individuals without knowing their personal stories. Behind all behavior, there is a psychological reason. Besides being a cheater, your husband has some other character flaws. I have no idea as to why he has spent the majority of his adult life in jail, but his history is not good. It is difficult to answer your question because I do not know what motivates your husband. Some people cheat for the thrill. Some people cheat because they are selfish and self-centered. Some people cheat because they have low self-esteem. Some people cheat because they believe that they can get away with. Some people cheat because they were exposed to and/or raised by unfaithful role models. Some people cheat to get revenge.
You stated that you cheated earlier in your relationship, so your husband might feel justified in his behavior. Nevertheless, in order to predict behavior, one must understand the psyche that influences the behavior.
Cheaters are typically dishonest and their past behavior in a strong indicator of their future behavior. However, I do believe that people can change if they desire to. Change is an internal process and cannot be forced. If your husband perceives the reward for cheating to be greater than the consequence, he will not change.
What does this mean? As human beings we learn behavior primarily through behavioral conditioning. If we do something and get praised, we are more likely to continue the behavior. If we do something and get reprimanded, we are more likely to discontinue the behavior. Cheaters typically struggle with understanding how to put others needs before their own, because the consequences are typically not sufficient. The need to engage in self-gratification behavior blocks their ability to demonstrate compassion.
If you choose to move forward with your marriage, you have to decide if you can forgive and trust your husband. Be mindful that there is a high possibility that your husband’s cheating behavior will not change without some professional counseling. A professional like myself can assess your husband’s underlying psychological issues and help you understand the severity of his cheating behavior and motivation for change. Also, counseling can help you work through your emotional distress. Unfortunately, you and your husband built a relationship based on infidelity and mistrust. Cheating is a psychological vice that warrants thorough understanding and professional counseling.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.